Season 3 Episode 8

Going Once...Going Twice First Aired: 16/Nov/2008

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Scotty: Sorry, I was trying to be quiet, but there's not enough room in here to swing a cat. Kevin: Did you just say "swing a cat"? Scotty: Where I come from, cats sometimes get swung. But now that you're up, can I tell you about my day? Kevin: No, you can't, because I have a little something for you. Just for being one of L.A.'S top and up-and-coming chefs. Scotty: Oh, my god. Thank you. I have the perfect place to put it, too. Kevin: Where? Scotty: My office. Kevin: The kitchen? Scotty: I mean my office. I've been promoted to head chef. On probation, of course. I still have a lot to prove. But, Kevin, head chef. Kevin: Oh, my god. That is so amazing. Wait! Saturday's "yay, Scotty made it into the artic" dinner is now a "yay, Scotty got promoted" dinner. Scotty: God, have I told you how much I love your family recently? I, I can't imagine my parents throwing me a "yay, Scotty" dinner. Although, they did once throw me a "we're so disappointed" brunch. Kevin: Considering Sarah never throws dinner parties, I actually think she likes you more than me. Scotty: God, do you know how long I've worked for this? Kevin: Yeah. I am so proud of you. Scotty: And the best part... it comes with a pay raise. So I get to do what I love and bring home a real paycheck. Maybe we can talk about getting a bigger place? Kevin: Wow, with cat swinging room? Scotty: And maybe a deck? Kevin: And a jacuzzi. Scotty: Hardwood floors. Vicki: Hey, uh, you need another? Kevin: Oh, no, I'm fine. Thanks. I'm just waiting for Scotty. Vicki: Ah! You must be Kevin, the husband. Kevin: Yeah, yeah. That's... Ah, it's me. Vicki: Oh, I'm Vicki. Kevin: Hi, Vicki. Nice to meet you. Vicki: Nice to meet you. So, uh, how proud are you? Kevin: You know, pretty... pretty darn proud. Vicki: He's taking off like a rocket ship. Kevin: Yeah. Vicki: You can lie around on the couch all day eating bonbons. Kevin: Yeah, you know, I'm... I'm not a big fan of the bonbon, plus, I do have a job. Vicki: By the way, you guys are the cutest couple ever. Kevin: Oh, thank you. Vicki: I always tell Scotty that if he wasn't gay, I'd be all over his action. Ah, here he is. Holler at me if you need anything. Kevin: Thanks, Vicki. We'll be sure to holler. Scotty: Hey, handsome. Kevin: Hey. Scotty: Sorry about that. Friends of the mayor wanted to pay their compliments. Kevin: Oh, well, as long as it's friends of the mayor and not just ordinary rich and powerful people, that's fine. Scotty: Oh, so you're bonding with Vicki. Kevin: Yeah, I'm pretty sure we could have her over for a threesome if you're interested. Scotty: Yeah, I know, but don't worry. I told her our apartment wasn't big enough for group sex. Kevin: Very clever. Scotty: You're not in a very good mood. Kevin: Huh? What? No, I'm fine. You know... Scotty: What's the matter? Kevin: Nothing. Just a minor financial hiccup. Scotty: Hmm. Define "hiccup. Kevin: We'll be fine. Scotty: Kevin, I'm your spouse, your spouse who just got a pay raise and would very much like to contribute. Kevin: Great. So can you contribute some food? I haven't eaten since is morning. Scotty: As a matter of fact, I know the head chef. I'll see what I can scrounge up. But this conversation is not over. Sarah: Hi there. Come in. Mwah. Hey. Rebecca: What Sarah: Hey. Scotty: Hey. Sarah: Congratulations, honey. Oh. oh, so well-deserved. Scotty: Thank you for having me. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Sarah: Well, it is my pleasure, really. Hors d'oeuvres? Would you like a drink? Scotty: Yeah. Sarah: Everybody's on the way. Paul, however, is, um, already here. Rebecca: Well, at least he's punctual. Sarah: Uh, no, no, no, not punctual. Early. Very, very early. You and I will be having words. Paul: Justin. Justin: Paul. There he is. Paul: Hey. Justin: Good to see you, man. How are you doing? Paul: All right. Justin: Welcome. Scotty: Who's paul? Sarah: Friend of justin's. He thought it would be a good idea to set Paul up with Saul. Scotty: Really? Justin: Becca, this is, uh, Paul. This is my girlfriend Rebecca. Rebecca: Nice to meet you. Paul: Oh, nice to meet you. Justin: And here's the, uh, the man of the hour, Scotty. Paul: Oh, congratulations on your promotion. Scotty: Thank you. Paul: I'll be honest with you. I've never eaten in your restaurant. I'm afraid the food's probably a bit too rich for me. I know it's too rich for my bank balance. Scotty: Oh, sorry. Paul: No. Tommy: Hey, guys. Hey, Paul, you gotta tell Scotty that story about you and your first boyfriend. Paul: Oh, my god. You'll love that. Come on. Come on. Sarah: Oh, hey, mom. Nora: Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. I saw uncle Saul is driving up. Sarah: Uh-huh. Kevin: Hey. Sarah: Hey. Kevin: Is Scotty here? Sarah: He's in the living room. Kevin: Great. Kevin: I have got the best surprise in the history of surprises. Scotty: Is it a puppy? Kevin: Mnh-mnh. It's a little better than a puppy. Scotty: So... Kevin: Wow. Sarah: Uh, before we all start, I would like to propose a toast to our guest of honor, Scotty. So if you'd raise your glasses... to Scotty, who we love and who we wish only the best with all the success that is coming his way. Scotty: Thank you. And thank you all. I am so proud to be a member of this family. Tommy: Oh, please. All: Aww. Sarah: To Scotty. All: Cheers. Kevin: I also have an announcement to make. Scotty, I love you so much and want nothing more than to make you happy and to provide you with... the life you deserve. And so to that end... I went out and... bought you a little something today. I bought us a house... this house. Kitty: Oh, my god. Justin: Wow. Kevin: Are, are you gonna say something? Scotty: Um... Will you excuse me? Kevin: Scotty, to... Kevin: I think he's a little... overwhelmed. Nora: Over, no. No, Kevin. He feels bulldozed. Kevin: I'm sorry. What are you talking about? Because you know what? I was just trying to make him happy. Nora: No, no. Y.. you just don't believe anyone can succeed without your help. Kevin: Hey. Scotty: Kevin, we gotta talk. Kevin: Oh, what, storming out of Sarah's house in the middle of dinner wasn't communicative enough for you? Scotty: I didn't feel like making a scene. Kevin: Well, you did. You just didn't stick around to see it. I, on the other hand, had to sit there while my mother screamed at me for being, oh, what did she say? Too controlling. Scotty: Well, you're definitely in control of our finances. I mean, look at these... gas, electric, even the magazine subscriptions... they're all in your name. Kevin: Transfer them into your name. You think I like paying for them? Scotty: I'm starting to think you do. I'm starting to think you're only comfortable in this relationship being the provider. Kevin: Oh! Here we go again. Scotty: What is that supposed to mean? Kevin: Just because my father surprised my mother with a new house, and I catastrophically did the same thing, it doesn't make us the same person. Scotty: I never said you were. Kevin: Yeah? Well, my mother sure as hell did. Scotty: Well, that's her problem with your dad. My problem is with you. Kevin: Oh, wow. For a second, I was actually relieved. Scotty: Kevin, d.. do you not want me to succeed? Kevin: How can you even ask me that when all I've done is support you? Scotty: When I was down, yes, you did. Kevin: Well, is there some accusation lurking in there? Because maybe you'd like to tell me what's wrong with supporting someone you love... Scotty: Nothing, but this feels competitive. Kevin: What's competit... You. You and me? Scotty: Why else, in the middle of a party celebrating my success, would you decide to announce, in front of everybody, that you bought me a house? Kevin: Us. I bought us a house to prove how proud I was of you. Scotty: No, you bought a house to make yourself feel better. You wanted to change the headline. Kevin: You're crazy. Scotty: Am I? Kevin: Yeah. Scotty: Kevin, when I was living in my car, you were more than willing to come to my rescue because you love being the big, successful man. But guess what? Things have changed. Kevin: Do you honestly think I want you to fail? Scotty: I think it threatens you to feel like I'm your equal. Kevin: Oh, man. Okay. You wanna know what my financial hiccup yesterday was? I am now officially... making a quarter of what I used to. A month ago, I was about to become partner. Now I am a low-paid government employee. Scotty: You wanna make changes in people's lives. Kevin: What if can't even make a change to ours? Scotty, you did keep saying you wanted to move. Scotty: I didn't mean now. I meant in a year or two when I've saved money and we can buy a house together. Kevin: Uh.... You know what? I'm... I'm sorry. I just... I guess I wanted to still prove that I could do that, that I could take care of you, and if I couldn't, then... why would you even love me? Scotty: Kevin, I don't love you because of how much money you make or because you can take care of me. I love you because your heart is bigger than your very annoying brain. And if even if you do want to be competitive with me, it wouldn't make sense... Because you're the reason I am who I am now. Kevin: Wow. I didn't realize how amazing I was. Scotty: That's exactly right. Kevin: I really did wanna surprise you. Scotty: You did. but, um, next time, make it something that we can both enjoy. ♪ Love Love Love ♪ by Tristan Prettyman ♪ Listen Scotty: Okay, we didn't drive far enough for it to be Casa Del Mar. Ooh, I'm guessing the standard, right? Kevin: Keep guessing. Scotty: I feel like we should have a safe word. Kevin: Oh, funny you should mention the word "safe. Ready? Scotty: Mm-hmm. Kevin: Ta da Scotty: We're at a bank? In pasadena? Kevin: Yeah, I drove a real big loop on the freeway to fool you, because now we have an appointment with Brett, our personal banker, who's gonna help us open our joint accounts. Scotty: You are so cute. Kevin: Then we go to Casa Del Mar. Scotty: Ooh, scratch cute. You are drop-dead sexy. Kevin: Did I do good? Scotty: Very good. Kevin: I love you. Scotty: I love you.