Kevin & Scotty: January 2009

A Father Dream

First Aired: 04/Jan/2009

==
Kevin: Hello? Hello?
Justin: Oh, you're here.
Nora: Great.
Robert: What's for dinner?
Nora: I told you, liver.
Justin: Oh, sweet.
Julia: My favorite.
Kevin: Guys, did you hear that? The baby?
==
Scotty: Hey, sleepyhead. How are you feeling?
Kevin: A little hot.
Scotty: Well, you look great, all shiny and mussy, like a wounded World War II soldier in a bombed-out French cathedral. Male nurse, wounded soldier. It's always kind of been a fantasy of mine.
Nora: Good. He's up.
Scotty: Yep, he sure is.
Nora: Look at you, sweetie. My goodness. You're drenched in sweat. Honey. Let me take your temperature. Does he know where he is?
Kevin: Yeah. I'm in my childhood bedroom with my mother and husband talking about me as if I weren't here.
Nora: Yeah, good. It's normal. Kev.
Kevin: Yeah.
Nora: Here we go. Let's do this again. All right? Why are you here?
Kevin: Oh, no. Please, please. Not the questions...
Scotty: The doctor said with liver donors, you have to look out for mental disoriention...
Kevin: Fine. I am here because I gave part of my liver to Elizabeth.
Nora: Who's Elizabeth?
Kevin: She's my niece. And... Well, technically, she's my daughter because I gave sperm to Tommy and Julia. Do we have to do this now?
Nora: All right, all right. Okay.
Scotty: Yes, seems like fine.
Nora: Yes. Fine, fine, fine. But look at this. My God, Scotty. You have every blanket in the house on him.
Scotty: Yeah, well, I just thought we should try and keep him as warm as pos...
Nora: And now we have to change the sheets because they're soaked. But that's okay. It's fine. For goodness sakes. We have to get him hydrated. We need to get more fluids into him.
Scotty: I'll get him a drink.
Nora: Freeze. I'd like you to go to the linen cupboard and get a fresh set of sheets. I want the cream ones, not the striped ones. And I'll get him something to drink because I have to get his pills anyway.
Scotty: Whatever works.
Nora: And if you want anything, just speak out, because I put the baby monitor in last night. I can hear everything you say. French cathedral, huh? Yeah.

Kitty: Didn't you hear us? We've been screaming into the monitor. Kevin wants an orange popsicle.
Saul: I'm sorry, I turned it off because I couldn't stand the sound of the static.
Nora: Oh, for God sakes.
Saul: I'm sorry.
Robert: Then who's on point in Espinoza's office?
Nora: Espinoza?
Kitty: Yes. He's the chair of the appropriations committee. My husband is unbelievable.
Kevin: I really don't appreciate you hitting me up for intel when I'm on bed rest.
Saul: What am I to do about the appointment today?
Nora: Cancel it.
Robert: So we have no idea what Espinoza's provisions are?
Kevin: His office dodged my calls...
Kitty: Hey. No, no, no. No, no more of that.
Robert: No, I was just having...
Kitty: I know what you were doing. The place is bugged, remember?
Robert: I just need some info on this immigration bill.
Kitty: Robert, please. Can you please move away from the patient? Kevin is off the clock.
Robert: I'm not suggesting he suit up and come into the office, but maybe a call so I know what I'm voting on.
Kitty: Look, you know what? You're...
Kevin: Could I get a napkin, please?
Kitty: Yeah. You're not gonna get what you need from Espinoza. You know what you should do? You should, you should call Dan Bicks.
Kevin: Dan Bicks.
Robert: Dan Bicks is an imbecile.
Kitty: Oh yeah, he's an imbecile, but he has an assistant named Yelena who has a sister named Lauren who is dating Espinoza's legislative correspondent. I don't even know, maybe... Maybe for a year or something. You know, that is definitely what you need to do. You should call Yelena, and I bet you she can get you what you need. You know what? I'll do it.
Robert: Good, because the vote's in two days, and I need to be briefed.
Kitty: Okay, I'll brief you. Until he recovers, I will be Kevin.
Robert: Okay. Do you have time? Because you're starting your book promotion and you're gonna be on The View.
Kitty: No, I can be Kevin for a week.
Robert: Good.
Kevin: Hey, Kev. Do you mind?
Kitty: Oh, sorry.

==
Kevin: Hello?
Scotty: Bordeaux?
Nora: No. He's not allowed to drink that.
Scotty: You said he needed fluids.
Nora: He's not allowed to drink that.
Scotty: You told me he needed fluids.
==

Kevin: Ow!
Scotty: Shhh! Your mother will think I'm hurting you.
Kevin: You are. And don't worry. I yanked the plug on that monitor like an hour ago. Remind me why we're here and not in our nice apartment.
Scotty: Because your mother offered and you accepted.
Kevin: I did?
Scotty: Yes.
Kevin: You have to admit, she does have the Ph. D. In tending to us kids.
Scotty: She won't let me forget. I bet you 20 bucks she comments on how I dress your wound.
Nora: Scotty, I didn't know you were gonna change the bandage.
Scotty: Hmm hm
Nora: Oh, you've got so much ointment on there. Look, the tape is never gonna stick.
Scotty: Well, it seems pretty secure to me. Cha-ching.
Nora: You know what? It doesn't really matter, because we're gonna have to redo it all anyway after the shower.
Kevin: What shower?
Nora: Doctor says you get to take a shower today. Let's get him up.
Kevin: I don't feel like taking a shower.
Nora: Make you feel clean.
Kevin: Yeah, I know what a shower is. I just don't feel like taking one.
Nora: Just take his shirt off.
Scotty: I'll get it, Nora.
Kevin: No, no, no.
Nora: Don't lift his arm up like that, Scotty.
Scotty: Okay, I'm sorry.
Nora: You have to put your hand... Like that.
Scotty: Forgot for a second.
Kevin: Please.
Nora: Lift your butt up. I'll take your pants off. Lift your butt up. Lift it up. Come on. Come on.
Scotty: Did you know what? Why don't you start the shower? I'll get the pants.
Nora: Scotty, don't be silly. It's nothing I haven't seen before.
Scotty: Well, hopefully something you haven't seen in a long time. I mean...
Nora: I'll close my eyes. I'Il...
Kevin: Stop, stop. Both of you.
Nora: The doctor wants you to take a shower.
Kevin: I don't care what the doctor said. I just want the two of you to leave me alone right now.
Scotty: Okay...
Kevin: Right now.
Nora: Pain pills make him so grumpy.
Scotty: Yeah, it's the pain pills.

==
Kevin: Is it hot in here?
Julia: Not really. But it could be.
==
Kevin: Oh!
Julia: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I was just coming to see how you were doing. Were you having a bad dream about me?
Kevin: No. No. No. Why? Why? Why?
Julia: You said my name.
Kevin: No, I didn't. What? Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did, because I, I, I saw, I saw you because you, you were here.
Julia: You're lying.
Scotty: I heard a scream.
Julia: Kevin had a bad dream.
Kevin: No, I didn't.
Scotty: It's still nap time. What are you doing up?
Kevin: You know what? I'm gonna take that shower now.
Scotty: I thought you didn't want a shower.
Kevin: I didn't. Now I do.
Julia: Here, let me help.
Kevin: No, I'm fine. Thank you so much, both of you. I'm just gonna take a...
Scotty: Are you...? You're okay?
Kevin: I'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry about me. Hoo, I'll be fi...

Nora: I have a son upstairs who needs his lunch.
Scotty: I'd put a hold on that. Kevin's decided to take a shower after all. Hi, I'm Scotty.
Roger: Roger Grant. Nice to meet you.
Scotty: Nice to meet you. Here, I'll take that to the kitchen for you.
Roger: Looks like you're available to join us.

Kevin: Justin. Justin. Jus... Justin. Ju... Open the door.
Justin: Does Mom know you're wandering around like an escaped mental patient?
Kevin: Are you coming or going?
Justin: I'm going nowhere, dude.
Kevin: Good. You can give me a ride.
Justin: Aren't you supposed to be in bed?
Kevin: I cannot take it anymore, okay? I have to get out of here.
Justin: What about your nurses up there?
Kevin: They think I'm taking a shower. Let's go.
Justin: That's your plan? Turn on the water and take off?
Kevin: I didn't turn it on.
Justin: Well, please tell me you locked the bathroom door. Oh my gosh, Kevin, this is like amateur hour. No wonder you didn't have a life in school.
Kevin: Can you just shut up and drive?
Justin: Kevin, I can't. You just had surgery. In good conscience, I can't...
Kevin: Spare me the Hippocratic oath. If your sperm got there first, this would've been you. Let's go.
Justin: Well, you have your pills, right?
Kevin: Umm
Justin: You don't have your... I hate you. At least I'm good for something.
Kevin: Ah!

==
All: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
==

Justin: Okay. Bathroom. I'm gonna kill him. Pills...
Scotty: Hey.
Justin: Hey. I was checking on our boy in there.
Scotty: Yeah. Still grumpy?
Justin: Yeah. He's the worst. I mean... But don't... don't take it personally. He's always been sort of a terrible patient, you know? He had chicken pox, and it was like code red in this house. I can take these. Just... Yeah, don't worry.
Scotty: Are you looking for something?
Justin: Yeah. Yeah. My trumpet. Here it is.
Scotty: Oh, you play?
Justin: No.
Scotty: But you played growing up?
Justin: No. You know, I wouldn't go in there. I mean, he... You know, he needs some space. He's in his mood, you know? Good to see you.
Scotty: Bye.

Saul: Nora, come on.
Nora: Yeah, I am listening. I am listening. I'm going to go in here now. I just have to heat up my son's lunch. I will be back. For God sakes, I don't know

Nora: Saul wants a boyfriend.

Justin: Mom, I have something to tell you. It's gossip. I just need you to make sure Saul's not coming in here. It's about him.
Nora: What? What? What?
Justin: Ah.. Saul's got a boyfriend. He told me a couple weeks ago.
Nora: Well, why didn't he tell me?
Justin: I don't know. I don't have any details. Listen, you cannot tell Saul.
Nora: I won't.
Justin: Told me on the Q.T.
Nora: I won't.
Justin: We're gonna keep it on the down low.
Nora: I promise.
Justin: All right. I love you. I love you.
Nora: Okay. Love you. Yeah.

♪ Run (I'm A Natural Disaster) ♪ by Gnarls Barkley ♪ Listen
Kevin: Take longer next time.
Justin: You can't ask me to be your getaway driver and then bitch about it. Here.
Kevin: Where's the other one? There's two.
Justin: Just saw one in the kitchen.
Kevin: This is the antibiotic. I need painkillers.
Justin: All right, you know what? This one will keep you from going septic. Unless you want to go back in the house, then man up.
Kevin: Uh.
Justin: I'm not going back in there.
Kevin: Ow. What's your problem?
Justin: What's not?

Scotty: Kevin escaped. He left a note, but it doesn't say where he went.

Kevin: Hope you enjoy those $20 nuts.
Justin: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who checked into the nicest room on the beach. So much for crying poor these days.
Kevin: Know what? I gave up part of my liver. I think I've earned it. Hi, yeah. I just wanted to know if I have a refill left or whether or not I have to call my doctor. Walker, Kevin.
Justin: Kev, I can't pick up your pills, not today.
Kevin: I'm not asking you to. Yeah, great. And what time do you close? Okay, thank you.
Justin: If that's Mom again, just tell her we're okay. She's not gonna come after you.
Kevin: I think I can handle this. Hey.
Sarah: There you are. Are you with Justin?
Kevin: Maybe. Why? What's up?
Sarah: Mom said you fled the premises, and given your recent surgery, I figured you must have had some help.
Kevin: Aren't you a regular Nancy Drew?
Sarah: Well, does he seem okay to you?
Kevin: Yeah. A little crabby, maybe. Why?
Sarah: He had a disastrous morning. He was painted a total loser by a class of first graders.
Kevin: I wish that seemed weirder.
Sarah: So where are you guys?
Kevin: That's top secret. But don't worry. I am fi... Actually, I'm in excruciating pain. But you could help me.
Sarah: This is about Justin. We have to talk to him. He's been humiliated. He's vulnerable. This is a perfect moment for us to put our collective foot in his ass about getting his act together.
Kevin: Great. I'm in. I think that's a brilliant idea. But before I tell you where we are, do you know that new pharmacy on Colorado?
Sarah: What do you want?

Justin: You don't suppose that's Mom, do you?
Kevin: No. It's probably housekeeping. Go check.
TV: coconut open, I have taken a hammer...
Justin: Yes, ma'am.
Kevin: Tommy.
Sarah: I brought reinforcements.
Tommy: Nice five-star retreat.
Kevin: Thanks. How's Elizabeth?
Tommy: She's uh... she's good.
Kevin: Good. So have I been disowned?
Sarah: Yeah, by me. Thanks for letting me be the one to tell Mom that she was suffocating you. Appreciate that.
Justin: Wow, Mom sent the cavalry. You must be in deep trouble.

Scotty: Saul said you talked to Sarah?
Nora: Kevin is with Justin. I don't know where.
Scotty: Oh, he's okay?
Nora: So she said.
Scotty: I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?
Nora: No. No, you were just trying to help.
Scotty: But not actually helping.
Nora: All I know is, according to Sarah, Kevin felt suffocated...
Scotty: Okay, you know what? I am sorry I put too many blankets on his bed, that I use too much ointment on his wound, that I don't know how to take his shirt off properly. But he's my husband. I should be the one taking care of him.
Nora: Then someone should have made that clear to me. I just naturally assumed when you came to this house you wanted me to take care of him. God, sometimes it's so impossible for me to understand what people actually want from me.
Scotty: Okay, you know what? I'm sorry I got in your hair. I'll get out of it.
Nora: Fine.

Kevin: Oh, my God. Scotty, look, I can explain everything.
Scotty: Great. How about explaining to me what part of "in sickness and in health" means leaving me at home with your mother?
Kevin: I really had no choice.
Scotty: You had plenty of choices. You just made the wrong ones. I mean, the least you could have done was told us we're being overbearing.
Kevin: No, it's not you.
Scotty: Fine. Your mother was overbearing.
Kevin: Look, neither of you are overbearing, okay? It was me and these stupid dreams.
Scotty: What dreams? I mean, what dreams could be so bad that you flee without explanation?
Kevin: They're about Elizabeth, okay? I'm really sorry. I'm just trying to figure a few things out.
Tommy: What's to figure out?
Kevin: Well, I know we're all meant to pretend like it never happened...
Tommy: Excuse me? What...?
Kevin: But I am her biological father, Tommy.
Tommy: Uhh. Oh, my God. I'm out of here, man.
Kevin: What? Don't. Come...
Sarah: Yeah, actually, we've gotta,
Justin: Yeah, I think...
Sarah: You know, look at the rental list and...
Justin: It's a great room.

Nora: I don't know. Sometimes it's just hard for Mama Bear to be on the sidelines.
Saul: Nora?
Nora: In the pantry. I don't know where you and Kevin are, but I want you to know that if you ever need a roomy house, I promise that I will let you be the one to undress your husband.
Saul: What are you doing, Nora?
Nora: Don't talk to me like our mother. Grab a glass and park yourself. Anyway, Scotty, I'm just sorry, and I love you. Okay. Bye.

==
Elizabeth: Daddy, Sarah was so mean. They were all so mean.
Kevin: Well, I'm sorry, Lizzie.
Elizabeth: Can we just go home?
Kevin: Sure. How about we get some ice cream first?
==
Scotty: Okay, I just got a three-sheets-to-the-wind apology from your mother that I will be making a CD of and putting in everybody's stocking come Christmas. Oh, did you nod off? Have another dream?
Kevin: Mm. But it was okay.
Scotty: I'll get that. Hey.
Tommy: Hey, man. Hey, Kev, we need to talk.
Kevin: Yeah, I know.

Kevin: "I agree that I will under no circumstance advise Elizabeth Walker as to her true parentage"? You, you really want me to sign this?
Tommy: Look, Julia's been asking how this is gonna go. This was always the plan.
Kevin: Plan? Tommy, there was never a plan. You and I jumped into this with blinders on. For there to have been a plan, we would have to have talked about it, which we've never done.
Tommy: Kev, what's, what's to discuss? I'm trying to do what's best for Elizabeth.
Kevin: Yeah, but this is as if I, I don't exist.
Tommy: What do you expect? Do you wanna be her father?
Kevin: No, that's not what I'm saying. Come on.
Tommy: That's not gonna happen.
Kevin: Doesn't have to be like this.
Tommy: Kevin, I'm her father. Whatever dreams or feelings you're having, deal with them. That's it.

Kevin: Wow, these robes are like wearing heaven.
Scotty: Hmmm.
Kevin: How much do you think they'd charge if we stole one?
Scotty: We already did last time we were here. How do you think I found you?
Kevin: I was wondering about that.
Scotty: Yeah.
Kevin: Was that when that kid peed in the planter by the pool?
Scotty: Oh, my God. Sammy the Sprinkler. You complained to his dad, and somehow you became the bad guy.
Kevin: I was the bad guy. He was just being a kid. Come on. If he was mine, I'd do exactly the same. Do you think we'll ever have kids of our own?
Scotty: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I...
♪ Can't Go Back Now ♪ by The Weepies ♪ Listen
Scotty: I'd love kids someday.
Kevin: It's weird. I grew up thinking I'd never be a dad.
Scotty: Well, it's not that weird. I mean, you're gay.
Kevin: No, no, no, it's not that. It's just, I wasn't sure if I'd be any good at it, you know, putting somebody else's needs first all the time. It's these dreams... In the last one, she was crying, and I knew she really needed me and that I had to be there. But the weird thing is, it didn't feel like a burden anymore. It just felt amazing. It's like that famous line: "In dreams begin... "
Scotty: "Begin responsibility. "
Kevin: Yeah.
Scotty: Yeah.
Kevin: Whenever we decide, I'm ready.
Scotty: I think you would make an incredible father.

Tommy: Okay. Let's put this on you. There you go, honey.
Julia: Elizabeth, you have a visitor.
Tommy: Look. It's Uncle Kev.
Kevin: Oh, wow. Don't let Uncle Scotty see you in that princess nightgown. He'll want that for himself.
Julia: I'm gonna go make Elizabeth a bottle.
Kevin: Okay.
Tommy: I'm just gonna put on her diaper a little bit better. Lie down, honey.
Kevin: You want a hand with that?
Tommy: No, no. I got it.
Kevin: Good, because I'd have no idea what to do. Look, with everything going on right now, the one thing I am sure of is that you're her father. So... I'll defer to you.
Tommy: You'll always be a part of her life.
Kevin: Good. As long as I can be the crazy uncle who buys her tons of presents, gives her a place to crash when Mom and Dad fight.
Tommy: All right. Look, I'm gonna go help Mommy. You stay with Uncle Kevin, okay? Careful.
Kevin: Got her. Hey. Hey, pretty lady. Hey, pretty lady. How are you doing? I've been thinking a lot about you recently. Ooo.. What's with all this drooling? You gotta quit that by the time you get into boys. Or girls. One never knows.

Pages

Tuesday 6 January 2009

I think you would make an incredible father (S3E11)

Monday 5 January 2009

Season 3 Episode 11 - music

Season 3 Episode 11 - music

Sunday 4 January 2009

Season 3 Episode 11