Kevin & Scotty: May 2008

Prior Commitments

First Aired: 11/May/2008

Nora: The only person we should be thinking about right now is...
Kevin: God!
Nora: Kevin!
Kevin: What? Did Scotty tell you or did Justin bug my apartment with his junior spy kit?
Justin: What?
Tommy: What are you talking about?
Kevin: Nice try. Okay. Mom, we would love to have it here. Scotty obviously will cook. Tommy, if you could bring some wine, that'd be great. Justin, stay sober. Sarah, you got the toast. Kitty, since you write speeches for a living, we would love it if you could officiate the ceremony.
Kitty: Officiate? Are you engaged to Scotty?
Kevin: No, I met some guy last night. Yeah, of course, to Scotty. Wow. I realize it may be a shock to some of you, but congratulations might be nice.
Nora: Oh, honey! This is so great!
Kevin: Thank you.
Nora: You and Scotty, it's just perfect.
Kitty: Wow. You're getting married?
Kevin: No, not married. Committed. No comments from the peanut gallery.
Justin: Uh.
Tommy: Oh, it would be so easy, man. I'm happy for you.
Nora: It's just what we need right now. When?
Kevin: Saturday.
Nora: Saturday?
Tommy: Why the rush?
Kevin: We felt it was time, and since both of us have zero desire to throw some kind of fairy-tale shindig, yes, I am looking at you, we figured, why not?
Sarah: Congratulations.
Kitty: Yeah, congratulations. It's great.
Tommy: Yeah.
Kevin: Thank you. You all sound so happy for me.
Sarah: No, no. God, we are. Can someone please tell Kevin what's going on?
Kevin: What do you mean? I thought you were all here talking about me.
Nora: Honey, maybe you'd like to sit down. There's been another little development.

Scotty: What?
Kevin: Yeah.
Scotty: I feel like we've been preempted by a special news bulletin. Should we change the date of our ceremony?
Kevin: Are you kidding me? The timing's perfect. Mom will be too preoccupied to be her loving-but-intrusive self.
Scotty: Well, at least she'll be there.
Kevin: You called your parents?
Scotty: Yes. And surprise, surprise, they can't make it.
Kevin: Oh, come on, they live in Arizona. They can't drive five hours to be at their son's bonding ritual?
Scotty: Is that what we're calling it now? Because that sounds kind of kinky.
Kevin: Well, commitment ceremony sounds so... It's like we're being formally institutionalized.
Scotty: Well, a lot of people would say that's an accurate description of marriage.
Kevin: Well, whatever we are calling it, your parents should be there.
Scotty: Kev, I wasn't raised in Los Angeles. I never heard my parents use the word "gay" until I told them I was.
Kevin: Well, geography doesn't justify it.
Scotty: I know. But I'm tired of banging my head against that particular wall. Our whatever-we're-calling-it will be better without them.
Kevin: Are you really that okay with it?
Scotty: There's nothing I can do about it, so, yes, I am okay. Really.

Nora: Okay. I need a guest count.
Kevin: Uh... No, Mom. It's the family, a couple of Scotty's friends, and a few people from the firm, that's it.
Nora: I need names. I need numbers. I called Christophe and he said he could do a lot of really nice flowers on a rush.
Kevin: No, no flowers.
Nora: It's really no problem.
Kevin: Mom, I don't care if you're on first-name terms with the florist. The answer is no.
Nora: Put Scotty's parents down there.
Kevin: They're not coming.
Nora: Well, you need to give people more notice.
Kevin: It's not the notice part that's the problem. It's the two grooms part.
Nora: You're not serious.
Kevin: Look, Mom, not every parent joins PFLAG when their kid comes out. It's okay. It's okay. Scotty wasn't expecting them.
Nora: No. Even if you expect the worst from your parents, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it happens. Could I call them?
Kevin: You could call them, but unless you tell them I'm a woman, I don't think you'll have much luck.
Nora: Kevin, you can't give up. You remember how long it took for your father to adjust? But he did.
Kevin: It's okay.
Nora: No, it's not.
Tommy: Hey, guys. Here, Mom. Julia said you wanted this.
Kevin: Okay, take that back to the car right now! Please, please, Mom. Scotty is in charge of cooking.
Nora: It's Scotty who asked for more chafing dishes. For goodness... Will you please get it through your thick skull? I'm going to respect your wishes. No matter how much I disagree with them, it's your wedding.
Kevin: Yeah, that's... No, it's not a wedding!
Justin: Everything's all set for tonight.
Tommy: All right!
Kevin: What?
Tommy, Justin: Yeah!
Kevin: No! No, no!
Tommy: Oh, yeah!
Kevin: No lap dances, tequila shots. I'm not interested in a bachelor party.
Justin: Yeah, whatever. You're coming.
Tommy: Here, give me a hand.
Kevin: Where are you going?
Tommy: I'm going to the car to grab some more stuff.
Kevin: How much more?
Tommy: Relax, would you?
Justin: I mean, why are you so nervous? You're only committing your life to one man (for the rest of eternity).

Justin: Time to celebrate your holy mantrimony!
Kevin: Did you spend the entire car ride over here thinking that one up?
Tommy: Yeah. So, grab your jacket, we're going to Warbucks.
Kevin: Very cute. It's just a shame Friday's lesbian night.
Tommy: I thought you researched it!
Justin: Ow! I googled "upscale gay bar, hot dudes, no nudity, off-street parking." It didn't say anything about lesbians! Ow!
Kevin: It's okay. I'm not in the mood anyway.
Justin: Bro, listen, you can't bail. It's your party.
Kevin: Well, I have a phone call I have to make, so...
Tommy: That's okay. We'll wait.
Kevin: Well, it's... It's kind of important. And private. Okay, Scotty's parents aren't coming tomorrow. Scotty says he's fine with it. I just thought maybe if I asked them...
Justin: What, over the phone?
Kevin: What am I going to do? Drive to Arizona?
Tommy: Kev, I know all about difficult in-laws. You're going to have to face them, man.
Justin: Yeah, I agree with Tommy. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Tommy: Yeah.
Tommy, Justin: Road trip.
Justin: Road trip.
Tommy: Yeah.
Kevin: No.
Tommy: Road trip!
Kevin: Are you serious?
Tommy, Justin: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
Kevin: Okay. All right. I'm driving.

Justin: Yo, this is the worst bachelor party ever.
Tommy: Well, I figured out what I'm getting you for your wedding present, Kev. And hint, it's $3.88 a gallon. Super premium.
Justin: Nice.
Kevin: You think I ought to bring a gift to the Wandells? Yeah, like, "Here's some beef jerky and some pine-scented air freshener, "and we hope you come to your gay son's wedding."
Justin: Yeah, I don't think buying them a gift is going to convince them you're not a perv.
Kevin: Well, maybe if I tell them about you, I'll look normal by comparison.
Justin: Kevin.
Kevin: Oh, tell him. It's not taboo anymore.
Justin: Kevin, I told you in confidence. Like brother-lawyer confidentiality.
Tommy: What?
Kevin: Justin had the hots for Rebecca.
Justin: I did not have the hots for Rebecca.
Tommy, Kevin: Ohhhhhh!
Kevin: Oh, what? She's not related. It's fine.
Tommy: How did I miss this one?
Kevin: Oh, it's Scotty. Don't say anything.
Tommy, Justin: Hi, Scotty.
Kevin: Shut up! Hey, hon, how are you?
Scotty: How are you? Better yet, where are you?
Kevin: Oh, we ended up crashing at Tommy's.
Scotty: Did you smoke a bong and listen to Led Zeppelin, too?
Kevin: Okay, so you're angry.
Scotty: No. I was just worried the Gods in charge of crushing my hopes and dreams gave you cold feet. Now that I know you're okay, I am profoundly happy. I'll see you at the altar?
Kevin: It's not an altar. And I'll see you at eight sharp. I'll be the one with warm feet. Bye.
Nora: Everything okay?
Scotty: Yes. Except I should've finished these canap ages ago.
Nora: You should not have to work so hard on your big day. I wish there was more I could do to... Do you know what I could do? I could go outside and snip some fresh rosemary for garnish.
Scotty: That sounds lovely.
Nora: Okay. And while I'm out there, I do have some beautiful hydrangeas in pots. I could put some in the living room.
Scotty: Oh! Kevin specifically said he didn't want a big floral thing, so you don't...
Nora: Well, maybe just one or two little short ones.
Scotty: Okay.
Nora: Okay! Good. I'll get my shears.
Scotty: Nora, thank you for everything.
Nora: No, I should be thanking you for making Kevin so happy. And I get another son.

♪ I'm Not Drowning ♪ by Steve Winwood ♪ Listen
Justin: You know what? I think we passed it.
Tommy: No, that was Red Cedar Mall. We're looking for Red Cedar Terrace.
Kevin: Not only am I getting hitched tonight, I pick today to meet the in-laws who already hate me. What is wrong with me?
Jsutin: Who are you texting?
Kevin: No one. I'm using my GPS.
Tommy: You have GPS and you let us drive around in circles this whole time?
Kevin: Well, I was having second thoughts. Okay, we need to turn around.
Mr. Wandell: Can I help you?
Kevin: Hi, I'm Kevin Walker.
Mr. Wandell: Scotty's friend?
Kevin: Yeah. Could I speak with you?
Mr. Wandell: Come on in.
Kevin: Thank you.
Justin: I don't envy him.
Tommy: So you like Rebecca?
Justin: It was a fleeting moment, okay? Besides, it doesn't matter. She lied to me.
Tommy: Listen, Justin, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that you two have always connected. So maybe it's something worth salvaging.
Mrs. Wandell: I have imagined his wedding day since he was a little boy. But what you two are doing, it's not a wedding. It's not a union recognized by the church or the state.
Kevin: Actually, it is. In the state of California, it is. But you're right. It's different. And we're doing this because we want to be a family, and we cherish family as much as you do.
Mrs. Wandell: Scott is who he is. We've accepted that and we love him. But don't ask us to celebrate this contrived event. We don't want to hurt our son. But we can't sit there and have you rub our noses in this pretend wedding. It is too painful and too insulting.
Kevin: Thank you for your time. I'll let myself out.
Mr. Wandell: Uh... Kevin. I have something I'd like you to give to Scott. Would you mind? The cufflinks I wore at my wedding. I don't know if Scott will remember, but I told him that he could wear them at his.
Kevin: Mr. Wandell, you can give these to him yourself.
Mr. Wandell: Try to understand, we're not bad people. It's just...
Kevin: I'll give them to him.
Mr. Wandell: Thanks.
Kevin: Thank you.

Kevin: Hey.
Scotty: Go away. We're not supposed to see each other before the ceremony.
Kevin: I have something important I have to tell you.
Scotty: What is it? Did something happen in the living room?
Kevin: No idea. I've been banned from going in. I have a confession to make. I didn't sleep at Tommy's last night, and I didn't have a bachelor party, because we drove to Arizona to see your parents.
Scotty: You what?
Kevin: I thought I could convince them to come. I'm so sorry.
Scotty: Kevin, what did you do? Just show up at their doorstep...
Kevin: Here. They're your father's.
Scotty: I know. I made this box for him in shop class. He told me he was gonna put these in there for safekeeping so that one day, when... When I got married, he'd... Oh, God, we're looking at each other.
Kevin: Who cares?

Nora: I know, I got carried away.
Kevin: Yes, you did.
Nora: Damn it, Kevin. You deserve this night to be beautiful. All right, yes, I got carried away. I don't regret it. Because tonight, Kevin, you don't get to be guarded or cynical. You and Scotty deserve this night to be as romantic and memorable as anyone else's.
Kevin: Thank you. You gave us a wedding.

Kitty: I thought that, in true Walker style, that I would share with all of you.. A secret. This isn't the first time that Kevin's been married. See, when we were kids, we used to play "wedding," and Mr. McBear officiated. And I would wear Mom's white nightgown. Now, you remember the satiny number with ruffles that just screamed "bride" to me at the time and to Kevin, who wanted to wear it more than I did. Right afterwards we were the proud parents of five kids. And I was the mom. Kevin was the dad. Well, because that's what our family looked like, so that's all we knew. And, now, here we are at Kevin's second wedding, and the rules are different, and things that we thought to be true turned out not to be. And it seems that when we give up on what was, well, that's when things that we thought improbable, or.. or impossible even, happen right before your eyes. Well, as Mr. McBear would say, it's time to exchange the rings.
Scotty: Oh!
Kitty: What's wrong?
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Kitty: Kevin? You didn't bring any rings?
Man: Oh, for God's sakes.
Tommy: Here we go.
Kitty: Okay, Scotty, please place Tommy's ring on Kevin's finger.
Scotty: Kevin, please accept this ring as a symbol of my deepest love and affection.
Scotty: Kevin, please place my husband's ring on Scotty's finger.
Kevin: Scotty, please take this ring as a symbol of my love and devotion.
Kitty: And so, by the authority that they have bestowed onto me, I now pronounce them... Um... Officially...
Kevin: Married.

Scotty: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Kevin: What?
Scotty: Who's going to carry who across the threshold?
Kevin: We don't have to do that, do we?
Scotty: Oh, if that's the way you feel about it.
Kevin: No, no, no.
Scotty: Oh, God, you're heavy.
Kevin: Well... You're not going to take me all the way to the bedroom?
Scotty: It's funny. It's our first time home as a married couple, and suddenly, I'm not in the mood.
Kevin: Yeah, Tommy warned me that would happen.
Scotty: I'm glad your mom made such a fuss.
Kevin: Me, too. Come here.
Scotty: Kevin, thank you. Even though my dad couldn't be there, I felt like he was, in spirit. I'll meet you in the bedroom. I'd like to call him.
Kevin: You should.

Moral Hazard

First Aired: 4/May/2008

<< S2E14

S2E16 >>

Kevom: Mom, just send a messenger. Okay, fine, send Justin. Yeah, he's cheaper. Okay, just tell him one o'clock. Bye.
Scotty: Hey, I thought we were having lunch today.
Kevin: Yes, we were. It's... Okay, look, Sarah's made a really bad deal, Mom is freaking out. I really need to get into it, okay? I'm so sorry. I know we had a plan.
Scotty: Kevin, it's lunch. Not my bar mitzvah.
Kevin: Yeah, no. I just don't want you to think that I don't respect your time, because I do. And I will totally make this up to you.
Scotty: Good. How about changing our light bulbs for those eco ones I got?
Kevin: As soon as I get home, I'm on it. And you know what? Not just that, but from now on, no more plastic bottles, no more blasting the AC, and what else?
Scotty: Using the canvas bags when you go grocery shopping?
Kevin: The canvas bag. I love that bag.
Scotty: Okay, Kevin? There is no way you care this much about the carbon footprint of this loft. I wish you did, but you don't. I know why you've been acting guilty lately, and I've been letting you go on in this over-apologizing, please-Scotty mode, but it's too much.
Kevin: What do you mean?
Scotty: Kevin, just because I didn't like the incredibly lame way you pseudo-proposed to me over a hospital bill, doesn't mean I'm not happy with our relationship exactly as it is now.
Kevin: You are?
Scotty: Of course. We don't need to rush anything. I love how things have been going. So stop acting so guilty and go to work.
Kevin: Okay, look, I'll get home early, we'll get our green on, anything you want.
Scotty: You're doing it again.
Kevin: Sorry.

♪ Warm Whispers ♪ by Missy Higgins ♪ Listen
Kevin: Scotty?
Scotty: Wait, wait, wait! Allow me.
Kevin: You changed the light bulbs.
Scotty: Don't sound so disappointed.
Kevin: No, I'm not. It's just, you know, I was supposed to do that.
Scotty: Well, you seemed a little stressed, so I've given you a break.
Kevin: Really? I can't think why.
Scotty: That bad?
Kevin: Well, let me see. First, I was dealing with the family business being obliterated, when Justin announced he has on occasion been attracted to Rebecca, our sister.
Scotty: What?
Kevin: Believe me, it goes on. Then Sarah calls me over because she's agonizing over dating the guy whose deal obliterated the family business. But, thank you, the pièce de réistance? Saul, who signed off on the deal that got the business obliterated, after being arrested for a DUI for plowing his car into a tree, because apparently he's lost the will to live, finally came out to me.
Scotty: Oh, my God. Is he okay?
Kevin: He will be. I think. But, you know, it's like, all these crazy people in my family are in this insane free-fall and completely incapable of being happy. And then I look at Saul, who has missed his life entirely. And I realize how lucky I am because I get to come home to someone who is kind and caring, and who changes the light bulbs, and... Marry me.
Scotty: What?
Kevin: I mean it. I don't want to wait. I don't want... I want to make this official.
Scotty: Because I changed the light bulbs?
Kevin: No. No. Well, yeah, kind of. Because, Scotty, that's who you are. I am completely, completely in love with you. I even love the things about you that I hate. Because you make me feel like I don't have to be anyone other than who I am. And to me, that feels like family. And that's what I want us to be. I want us to be a family because that never ends. I'm doing this all wrong. Scotty, I am asking you, will you please marry me?
Scotty: Yes. Yes, Kevin. I'll marry you.

Pages

Monday 12 May 2008

Season 2 Episode 16 - music

Sunday 11 May 2008

Season 2 Episode 16

Tuesday 6 May 2008

Will you please marry me? (S2E15)

Monday 5 May 2008

Season 2 Episode 15 - music

Sunday 4 May 2008

Season 2 Episode 15