Valentine's Day Massacre
First Aired: 11/Feb/2007
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Kevin: Nothing is more important than this. I slept with him. Kitty: Who? Chad? Kevin: No, it's not Chad. Already we've been sleeping with Chad. Kitty: What? Something more surprising than you having a closetted affair with a soap star? Kevin: Scotty. I slept with Scotty. Kitty: Oh, well, that's great! I like Scotty. Kevin: It's not great. He's my ex. Don't you know what that means? Kitty: Can you just hold on one second? I'm on the other line with Sarah. Hey Sarah, you're never gonna believe this. Kevin slept with Scotty last night. Hello? Kevin: And just like that, you were gonna betray my trust. Kitty: Oh please, you know what? You're like the CNN of our family. Just hold on. Hey, Sarah, sorry. So Kevin slept with Scotty last night. Sarah: Shut up! Get the details. I'll hold. I wouldn't go telling him about Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, if you know what I mean. Kitty: OK. Kevin, spill it quickly. I have a crisis to abort over here. Kevin: What crisis? It's 8:00 in the morning. Did something happen last night? Did we get? Oh, my God, you and McCallister? Kitty: No, I didn't. We didn't. We didn't. Kevin: How does he look naked? He looks good? Was it hot in that morally reprehensible kind of way? Justin's calling. Hold on. Guess what? Justin: I messed up, bro. Kevin: OK. Well, at least you're still alive. Justin: I didn't do drugs, moron. Just... just Tyler. Kevin: Oh, you ass. Justin: Seriously bro, I'm not supposed to have sex yet. I'll replace my addiction. Kevin: Oh, it's what after rehab you're sworn to celibacy? Justin: Yeah. Kind of. Look, I gotta go. Kevin: OK, whatever. Justin got back with Tyler last night. Kitty: Oh, you're kidding. Did you tell him? Kevin: We're both having sexes with exes? No, but I can't wait to. Mom's calling. Look, I'm gonna hang up so it'll go to voice mail or she'll know I'm avoiding her call. Kitty: All right, all right. Bye. Michelle: Isn't that your friend? Chad: Yeah. Michelle: What's his name again? Chad: Uh... Kev... in. Michelle: Kevin! Come stretch with us. Come on! Don't be shy. Chad: Hey. Michelle: Look at those glutes. I can't believe you're single. You are single, right? Kevin: Yeah. Michelle: I can see it. In those sad blue eyes. Chad: Michelle. Michelle: What? He's a big boy. Let me hook you up with friends. Kevin: Do they look like you? Michelle: Yes, they do. Kevin: Then no. Michelle: What? You like big boobs? Kevin: Ah, I've retired from the boob business. Michelle: Holy crap! You're, like, gay. Kevin: Not "like" gay. I'm the real thing. Michelle: "I'm the real thing. " I love the way you talk. Funny guy. And you make six figures. If you were straight, you would have the hottest girlfriend. What kind of guys do you go for? Come on, Chad. What's his type? Chad: Um... He's hard to please. Michelle: What? Business men? Kevin: No. Michelle: Ivy Leaguers? Big beefy gym bunnies? Kevin: I prefer them slightly waifish. Michelle: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! The best guy for you ever! Chad: Michelle, I'm not sure Kevin's so desperate to meet somebody. He's a busy guy. Kevin: No, I'm interested. Michelle: I can't believe I didn't think about this before. You guys will love each other. He's well put together, he's gorgeous. What are you doing for Valentine's? Kevin: Nothing. Michelle: Then it's offic. You're coming to my sister's Valentine's Day party. Don't worry. I'm hooking you up huge. You're gonna thank me. I swear, all the best guys I meet are gay. Except you, of course, babe. ♪ Soul So Sweet ♪ by by Hector On Stilts ♪ Listen Kevin: Who is this guy, the guy Michelle's trying to set me up with? Am I gonna like him? Chad: No. You've already fallen for somebody else. Kevin: This whole affair is giving my ulcer an anxiety attack. Chad: It's my career, Kev. We've been over this. Kevin: I know. It's just taking its toll on me, that's all. You're never gonna want anything more than what we have, what I'm always going to. There's an inevitable outcome, Chad. Chad: You're not my prisoner. I'm not making you stay in this. Kevin: No, we're both your prisoner. Chad: I'm sorry. I don't know what else to do. Here. It's a... valentine. To make up for dragging you into the closet with me for this long. Kevin: This is way too much. Chad: No, it's not. Please come tonight. I know we can't be together for Valentine's Day, but it doesn't mean I don't wanna see you. Chad: How's it going? Kevin: Good. I'll get you a drink. Chad: So I can end up the lead story on Defamer tomorrow? No thanks. Kevin: It'll make you more comfortable. Which will make me more confortable. Chad: Yeah, well... Michelle: There you are. I need you. And I need you. You, for dancing. And you, for meeting the man of your dreams. Kevin: You should really have us trade. Michelle: Kevin, this is Scotty. Scotty: Kevin, nice to meet you. Kevin: Nice to meet you. Scotty: Aren't you a little risk taker. Look at you. You're making a statement, dressed to take the "singles" out of the "party. " Kevin: Look, I know I can't stop you from hating me, but could you pull back just a little on the mocking? Scotty: Maybe. That is quite the masculine watch. Kevin: I guess not. That's quite the masculine haircut. Scotty: Leave the mocking to the professionals. Chad: You OK? Scott, right? Scotty: "Tee. " Close enough. Chad: You good, Kev? Kevin: Yeah. Great. Scotty: My gaydar just red-lined. How do you know Michelle again? Kevin: I do boot camp with her. Scotty: No, you do boot camp with him. Kevin: To being friends of friends. Scotty: I should've known, honestly. What were the odds? How many gay-lawyer Kevins do you think are in this town? Kevin: I'll tell you this much, you couldn't come more highly recommended. Scotty: Neither could you. Kevin "the hot teddy-bear of an attorney". Tell me, did I live up to the hype? kevin: Beyond my wildest expectations. What about me? Scotty: Better than advertised. Kevin: You better watch out. I'm a little drunk. You might take advantage of me. Scotty: Is that a premature excuse? Kevin: I miss you sometimes. Scotty: Me too. Sometimes. Scotty: Good morning, mister. Kevin: Morning. Do you want some? I'm sorry. I have to take this. Hey, how was the rest of the party? Chad: You went home with that guy, didn't you? Kevin: Uh, is that fair? Chad: Did you sleep with him? That's all I wanna know. Kevin: Uh, you don't actually wanna know. Chad: I was gonna talk to Michelle. I was gonna... You know what? Forget it. Kevin: What? Chad! Don't... Chad: Don't call me, all right? Scotty: Oh. So last night was about making someone else jealous. Kevin: I don't know. Scotty: Well, it obviously worked. You know, you almost have to love the irony. You're right where I was with you a few months ago. Kevin: You know, you ended things with me, Scotty. Scotty: Now you know how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love himself. I feel sorry for you. Good luck, Kevin. |
Sunday, 11 February 2007
Season 1 Episode 14
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