Season 2 Episode 3

History Repeating First Aired: 14/Oct/2007

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Lisa: Kevin, your 4 :00 with Mr. Balanchine is here. Kevin: Send him waltzing on in, Lisa. Wow. Scotty. Why... Why the subterfuge? Scotty: I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd take the meeting given how weird things were last time we met. Kevin: You know, I'm... Look. I'm sorry. I should never have slept with you that night. It was... It was really wrong. Scotty: Well, it's not like you drugged me. You look good. Kevin: Thank you. I'm, I'm okay. It's nice to see you. So, is everything okay? Scotty: No. Kevin. I need a lawyer. Preferably one who might be flexible about payment. Kevin: Okay. What happened? Did you get nabbed shoplifting mascara and a thong? Scotty: I got a DUI. I had a glass of pinot gris, but it's impossible I was drunk. Kevin: Did they do a Breathalyzer? What was your blood alcohol? Scotty: .08. Barely anything. Kevin: Right over the legal limit. Scotty: Kev, this cop was weird. He took one look at me, and he was totally homophobic. I was wearing pink shorts and an old Queen T-shirt, and he smirked and put on gloves when he took my license, and then, and then he made this face like I had some disease. Kevin: Did he? Do you have the notice to appear? He stopped you for a broken tail light? Scotty: I wasn't even driving wonky. If I lose my license, I'll get fired. I need to be able to drive the catering van. This is such bad timing. I've been trying to be a grown-up. Kevin: Yeah, it's hard work, isn't it? Look, Scotty, I may be able to get an iffy ticket thrown out. But next time will you please take a cab? You know, the thought of you in jail is pretty terrible. If someone hurt, that's worse. Scotty: Does this mean you'll help? Kevin: Of course. Officer Phipps: I stopped Mr. Wandell, who was in a rusted orange 1972 Ranchero missing a tail light. Kevin: And you stopped him for the tail light? Officer Phipps: And felt that because of his demeanor and his breath, alcohol had been imbibed recently. Kevin: What was his demeanor? Officer Phipps: A lot of catty back talk. Kevin: And you gave him a Breathalyzer test? Officer Phipps: His blood alcohol level was.08, which is just over the legal limit. It also appeared he was living in his vehicle. Scotty: It's like an extra closet is all. Kevin: I don't think that's relevant, Officer. And the Breathalyzer machine is accurate enough to be used as evidence in a court of law in the state of California? Officer Phipps: Yeah. Standard. Kevin: Standard except when said Breathalyzer hasn't been calibrated every month. Your Honor, I wish to introduce into evidence, with the court's permission, the maintenance records for the instrument in question, serial number 4564702. Oh, officer, if you'd like to have a look at it, we'll happily wait for you to put your gloves on. Seeing as how you needed them to inspect my client's license. Your Honor, we take this charge very seriously. However, it is not my expectation, when I ask, as a formality, to inspect the maintenance records of the instrument in question, that two regularly scheduled inspections were missed. Judge: Officer Phipps. Officer Phipps: Yes, Your Honor. Kevin: Your Honor, this invalidates the basis of the case and seeing as my client's blood alcohol was barely above the legal limit... Judge: Enough. Case dismissed. Kevin: Thank you, Your Honor. Judge: You got bubkes, son. Officer Phipps: He also called me "Little Miss Officer," Your Honor. Scotty: Sue him for defamation. Next case. Scotty: You're my hero. Kevin: I got to get back to the office, pro bono circus hour is over. Scotty: Look, I'm, I know I can't pay you, but at least let me take you to dinner? I can get us into San Estephe. Kevin: San Estephe? Are you kidding? It takes months to get a reservation there. And I know you can't afford it. And you know what? I'm not going to dine and ditch with you, Scotty. Scotty: Yeah. Trust me, please. Just like a little bit of faith. Scotty: Come on in. It's all right. Don't be afraid. Kevin: Are.. are we allowed to be in here? 'Cause usually five-star restaurants don't like the patrons entering through the alleyway. Scotty: Actually the restaurant is closed for another hour. Please have a seat. And a nice white Burgundy for you while I work. Kevin: You work here? Scotty: I'm still a cater waiter. I'm still dirt poor. But I've been putting myself through chef school in Pasadena. I came in top of my class and won an internship here as apprentice sous-chef. Lobster ravioli in a Meyer lemon and butter emulsion on a bed of sautd baby watercress and fried capers. Kevin: You made this? Scotty: Kevin, in less than an hour, people will pour through those doors and this place will be a madhouse until midnight. And then the staff, totally wired and really beat, we have some wine. See, I wasn't drunk. It was the end of my first month here and I was really happy because... I was changing my life. So... Thank you. Kevin: To changing our lives. Kevin: I am so impressed at how you've pulled your life together. Does this mean I can't tease you anymore? Scotty: No. Please never stop teasing me. Kevin: It is going to take a lot of meals like this for you to pay your legal bill, sir. Scotty: Well, that's fine by me. Kevin: You know what? I'm just... Scotty: Oh, oh, God, no. No. I'm sorry. Kevin: No, No, No, No ! No. Scotty. Scotty. I'm in a relationship. Scotty: Oh ! Oh, I guess I'm not the only one who's changed. Who? Kevin: Ah... He's... He's the brother of my sister's fianc, and it's... You know, it's... It's... Scotty: The minister? Kevin: Yup. Scotty: Oh, God. Wow. Where's his church? Kevin: Ah, Malaysia. Scotty: Excuse me? Artesia? Kevin: Malaysia. On an island called Tioman. Which you might recognize from the movie South Pacific. Scotty: So he's really available. Kevin: You know, Tioman is famous for the red flying squirrels. And the slow loris and the walking catfish. Scotty: Well, I'm really happy for you. All of you. Including the catfish. Kevin: I'm sorry. Scotty: Yeah. Me, too. I should probably get back to work. It's about to get busy and I need some time to poach my fool head in vermouth. Kevin: You know, it's... It's just timing. Thank you. Scotty: You're welcome. Kevin: Scotty. Wait. Wait. Scotty: I'm so working right now. I can't talk. I'm sorry I made assumptions... Kevin: Stop! Okay? Listen. I'm... We were never friends. We just went straight to being lovers and fighters. And seeing as the only gay friends I have are my sisters, maybe we could try that. Scotty: Kevin. If I don't get this perfectly cooked piece of Copper River salmon to David Beckham at table three, you'll have to hire me as your personal chef. Kevin: He's here? Scotty: Yes. Kevin: Wow. Scotty: I'll call you later. Now go. Yeah. Kevin: Okay.