Season 1 Episode 5

Date Night First Aired: 22/Oct/2006

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Scotty: That's it? I'm done? I'm not going on the stage? Kevin: It's a witness stand. And no, they settled ten minutes ago. But, uh, you can take comfort in the thought it was your impending testimony that put the fear of god in them. Scotty: I'm crushed. I feel like an understudy. Who never got to go on. Kevin: Sorry. Scotty: No, um, I'm sorry for the other night. Kevin: What other night? Scotty: The movies? "Two for the road"? Although, in our case,it was four, if you count your mother and my friend. Kevin: Your friend? You were holding hands,so unless he was a blind friend, I would assume he's your boyfriend. Scotty: I know you were hurt. Kevin: No, that would imply I cared. Scotty: When can we go out again? Kevin: I don't ask guys out twice who are currently involved. I'd imagine you'd understand that, being the poster boy for monogamy. Scotty: There is no harm in dating around. When I'm exclusive, I'm exclusive. Kevin: So are you? Exclusive? Scotty: Well, we're not registered, if that's what you mean. And P.S., you were the one who canceled on me to hang out with your mom. I'm the one who should be offended and a little weirded out. Kevin: Okay, fine. How's tomorrow night? Scotty: My boyfriend and I might have plans, but I'll check. Kevin: He can come,too. He was kinda hot. How's 7:30? Scotty: Geriatric. Let's say 9. Scotty: With me coming out was never an issue. I was so gay so quickly, there was no use in arguing with anybody about it. With you, I imagine it was more like pulling teeth. Kevin: No,I was, I was just a late bloomer, that's all. I didn't come into this world loving clothes or musical theater. I was keeping it all pretty much to myself until senior year when I hooked up with this guy Danny MacCullough in his attic. ♪ Color ♪ by Amos Lee ♪ Listen Scotty: Why are you whispering? Kevin: I'm, I'm not. Anyway, um, Danny's older sister Abigail was best friends with Kitty, and that halloween dny decided to dresup as a french chamber maid. Scotty: Nice. Kevin: Abigail, no fool, figures things out. She and Danny have a heart-to-heart. Of course, Danny tells her everything. Abigail tells Kitty. Kitty...bom-bom-bom...confronts me. Scotty: What did you do? Kevin: What could I do? I couldn't very well deny it. I made her swear a vow of secrecy, but by christmas, she told all my brothers and sisters. Anyway, when I finally told mom, she immediately joined parents and frs of lesbians and gays. Scotty: Oh... Kevin: No, no, "oh." I became her cause celebre. I was an exchange student in my own home. Scotty: How did you get so cute? Kevin: I was born this way. What's your excuse? Scotty: I love this part. When you look at someone and they don't look away. Kevin: Could you please pass the chutney? Scotty: I never know what to do after a date in L.A. People always just drive around, but that's what everyone does all day, and with the cost of gas... or you can go to an outdoor mall and walk around. I always feel like I'm in a theme park, and I get depressed I'm not in a real city like new york. Kevin: Well, it's, it's late, so I'll take you home. Scotty: I don't know what happened in there, but it was just a kiss. Kevin: I got a little anxious, that's all. And before you say anything, this has nothing to do with me being gay. I'm not, I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection. I wouldn't be if I was straight. Scotty: Well, that's impossible to know and I don't believe you anyway. Kevin: Well, unfortunately, some of us were raised in a more reserved world ,scotty. Scotty: You're not reserved. You're just tragically tangled up in your own homophobia. Kevin: "Homophobia"? Wow. You, you really don't know me. Scotty: What's not to know? Your mother is a friend to lesbian and gay people everywhere. I know you're out at work.> You probably go to benefits with lots of other gay men where you kiss each other on the cheeks, and I'm sure you get lots of phone numbers. But when you get home, more nights than not, you're alone... because the one place you don't feel comfortable and secure is in your own skin. I can read you like a comic book, Kevin Walker, two pages at a time. Kevin: Can I tell you what your problem is now? Scotty: Fire away. Kevin: You're impatient. If you really did understand me, you'd know not to kiss me in the middle of an indian restaurant while I'm still working on goat curry. All you had to do was wait until we got to the car. You should let people mature on their own terms. And no, you didn't just compare me to a comic book. Scotty: But I love comic books. Kevin: Come on, I'll drive you home. Kevin: Hi. Scotty: I... I wanted to apologize for last night. Kevin: Why? Why didn't you just call? Scotty: I felt like I should... say this in person. I assumed things about you I had no right to. I mean,I'm judging you for air kissing people at benefits I don't even get invited to. Frankly, I couldn't afford them. What I really want to say is I like you, and I feel completely and totally out of my league. Frankly, I feel like such a loser when I'm with you. Well, that's a whole other conversation. That's my homework. Kevin: Scotty... stop talking. You were right about everything. And frankly, I'm relieved you're not as wildly evolved as you seem. It can be very... intimidating. We're doing that "not look away" thing again you like so much. Hi, Mrs. Berrymen. Okay,thanks. I'm kidding. Get in here.