Season 5 Episode 13

Safe at Home First Aired: 16/Jan/2011

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Kevin: Ta da! Is the wall color okay? We weren't sure if yellow was gonna be too bright. Scotty: Yeah, and we didn't want to do pink, 'cause we thought it might be too girlie. Kevin: Not that there's anything wrong with being pink or girlie. Scotty: No, of course not. Kevin: You know, we... green, purple... we can do any color of the rainbow. Olivia: Yellow's cool. I'm just here for the weekend anyway. Kevin: Yes, you are, but eventually, you'll be living here, so... Scotty: And we want you to be comfortable. Kevin: Yeah, you know what? Live with it for this visit. If you think yellow isn't you, we can totally repaint it by the time you... Scotty: Totally. Olivia: I think I'm just gonna draw if that's cool. Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: Absolutely. Scotty: Of course. Kevin: Um, before you do that, there's something we would like to give you. And you can change this, too, if you don't like it. Olivia: Is it yellow? Scotty: I'm not sure. I... Kevin: Uh, is it? Scotty: Uh... Olivia: I'm kidding. You guys don't need to buy me anything, you know? Kevin: Ooh. S... Ugh. It's my mom. Sorry. Go ahead. Scotty: Sorry. It's his mom. She can wait. Believe me. Open your present. Kevin: Yeah. Olivia: I like the wrapping. Kevin: Good. Olivia: The box is ringing. I think I know what it is. Kevin: Yeah. Sorry. Let me just, um... see. Oh, yeah. Can you hold that? Mom, what are you doing? Nora: Well, I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. I just wanted to find out... Does she like my gift? Kevin: No, you couldn't resist talking to her. What if she'd picked up? You're gonna meet her, okay? Can you just calm down? Olivia: Can I draw now? Scotty: Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go find out if we have everything we need for dinner. Kevin: Could you, uh, grab her some paper? Scotty: Oh. Olivia: I have a notebook. Scotty: Okay. Nora: Kevin. Kevin, listen, give her some space. Don't push. Kevin: Hi, pot. This is kettle. You're black. Nora: All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But tell me, does she like it? Kevin: I don't know. Why don't we let her try it before we run out of minutes? Nora: Well, I got her an unlimited plan. Kevin: Of course you did. Nora: Look, I know you guys can't come tonight. Kevin: I'm meeting Tommy for coffee. Nora: Well, good, good. Did he happen to tell you anything about a big surprise? Kevin: No. Bye, mom. Nora: Oh, all right. Good-bye. Kevin: I am so sorry my mom ruined your surprise. But she just wanted you to be able to reach us anytime. But pretty cool, huh? You can text me anytime you want. I'm a huge texter. I might even tweet you. Olive: Who's Tommy? Kevin: Uh, he's my brother, and I'm just gonna grab a quick coffee with him. Scotty: And while he does that, I thought you and I could go shopping. Kevin: We stocked up, but I'm sure we've missed a couple of things. Scotty: So why don't you just write down some stuff you think you might need on that list? Olivia: If you want to go hang out with Tommy... Kevin: No, no. Are you kidding me? I want to hang with you. Olivia: Uh, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna draw. Kevin: Okay. Scotty: Okay. Kevin & Scotty: Okay. Scotty: You ready to go? What's this? Olivia: Just the list of stuff that I want. Scotty: Oh, you drew it. Okay, so this is a hat, uh, pajamas, an electric toothbrush, and... Olivia: That's a gecko. Scotty: I can see that. Olivia: You don't really need to get me one. I just think they're really cool. Scotty: Olivia, you are very talented. Olivia: Thanks. Come on. Let's go. Scotty: Okay. Tommy: Here, look. That's Rose. Justin: All right. Let me see. Oh, wow. She's beautiful. I thought blondes are more your type. Kevin: No. Tommy's always been an equal-opportunity Lothario. Tommy: Coming from the man who dated three guys at once? Kevin: Technically, I didn't date any of them. Besides, I'm married now, starting a family as we speak. Justin: Oh, let me see. Let me see. Is this... Olivia's adorable. Kevin: Right? Tommy: Let me see. Oh, man. She's beautiful. Kevin: Right? Justin: All right, while we're doing it, take a look at Annie. Kevin: Give me mine back. I need to text Olivia. Tommy: Wow. That's Annie. So is she, uh, is she the real deal? Justin: Yeah, we'll find out after the softball game. Kevin: Oh, yeah. So is the ex a pitcher or a catcher? Justin: Seriously, Kevin? Kevin: It's a legitimate sports question. Tommy: It's true. That is. Justin: Well, I don't know, but I know he's definitely still into her. Kevin: Yeah, but the question is, is Annie still into Dr. Rick? Justin: Well, she says she's not. Kevin: That's a hot name, by the way. Justin: Thanks, Kev. All right? He's a cardiology resident also. Tommy: So? You're a 3-time war vet, all right? He's just trying to rattle you. Go to the game, you hit a couple of home runs, and then rush back to mom's, all right? I'm gonna need your help. Justin: Why? What's going on? Tommy: Mom had that look earlier, like when you were dating Fawn. Kevin: Ooh. Justin: Ooh. That's not good. Tommy: No, and Sarah kept narrowing her eyes every time we were talking. Kevin: Yeah. She thinks she's weird. Tommy: What? What did she... did she call you? Kevin: No, I got a text. Tommy: What did she say? Kevin: "She's weird." Tommy: Ugh.. Justin: Sarah's always the last one to be won over. You know that. Tommy: Which is why I need you guys to back me up. She's not weird. She's great. She's not what you might expect. But she's funny and smart and kind, and, yeah, she's not afraid of saying anything. Justin: Okay. Then she'll fit in fine. Kevin: Yeah. You're getting a text from her. "1-4-3." What does that mean? Tommy: Mmmm Justin: What? Tommy: Uh, all right, fine. It's this thing we do. It means "I love you." You know, the "I" is a 1-letter word, and "love" is a 4-letter... Justin: Nerd alert. Tommy: Anyway, she's amazing. I gotta get to Sarah's. Kevin: Why isn't Olivia texting me back? Justin: Because she's still shopping with Scotty. Kevin: Yeah, I know, but I thought she'd be like Paige... thumbs permanently cramped at right angles. Tommy: You ready for your big game? Justin: Dr. Rick doesn't know what's coming. Tommy: All right. Justin: All right. 1-4-3, bro. Tommy: Yeah. See you, guys. Justin: Later. Kevin: Later. Scotty: Okay, Swiss chard, Swiss chard, Swiss chard. Hi. Okay. Okay. I have one thing left on my list. How about you? Olivia: I'm done. Scotty: You're done? Seriously? But I always win supermarket sweep. But you didn't get anything from the list. That's the whole point of the game. Olivia: I got the stuff I like. Scotty: I can see that. Olivia: I don't understand why we're shopping anyway. What's the point of living above a restaurant if you can't even eat there? Scotty: Well, because the restaurant is our business. We're going to eat where we live. Do you still have the list? Okay. All right, let's make a deal. We'll get the rest of the things we need from this list, and you can keep a couple of the things you want in your basket. Olivia: Do we have to play that game again? Scotty: Was it lame? Olivia: Kind of. Scotty: Sorry. I'm so old. Okay, vodka. Kevin: She's probably pissed you made her play that stupid sweep game. Scotty: Does everybody hate that game? Kevin: Well, your version doesn't actually have cash prizes at the register. Scotty: Well, there could've been. I mean, she completely ignored my list. We can't let her eat like that. Kevin: Okay, slow down, Julia Child. We all ate candy as a kid. We'll talk to her. Hi. We... Oh, you have your phone. I was afraid you lost it. Olivia: Why? Kevin: Oh, no biggie. Uh, I... I sent you a couple of texts, and you didn't text me back. Olivia: I was with Scotty. Why would I text you? Kevin: Sit down with me for a sec, would you? We, uh, we want to talk to you about expectations. Olivia: So you want me to do chores or something? Scotty: No, I think what Kevin is trying to say is, when we try to reach you, it would be great if you, you know, wrote us back. Kevin: Yeah. Or like with the groceries. Because Scotty's such a good chef, he will make you think green beans are French fries. I swear. Olivia: Okay. Scotty: We have a responsibility to make sure you're healthy. It's really important to us. Kevin: Yeah. Olivia: I've never even heard of most of the stuff that's on your list. Can I go to my room? Kevin: We're... we're not angry with you. We just wanted to have a little talk. Olivia: That's all. I really want to go to my room. Kevin: So admit it. You really liked Scotty's homemade Mac and cheese. Scotty: Um, Olivia, there's something that, uh, Kevin and I want you to hear. We have thought long and hard about how to have a family. Kevin: And we truly believe that this is the one we're supposed to have, but it's a big responsibility. Which is why sometimes you may get really mad at us when we need you to do things. Scotty: And we thought maybe you would understand things better if you had something to take care of on your own. Kevin: So... Olivia: Is that a gecko? Kevin: Mm-hmm. Olivia: Is it for me? Kevin: Yep. Olivia: Thank you. Kevin: Now you'll have to feed it. Olivia: It eats live crickets. Scotty: Wow. I wish we knew that before we got it. Kevin: Yeah, and you'll have to make sure it gets plenty of light. Olivia: I will. I promise. And I'll eat whatever you guys want. Scotty: Oh, no, no, this isn't a bribe. Kevin: No, because now we're a family... you, me, Scotty, and... Olivia: Zemulon. That's his name. Kevin: Perfect... Because I actually have something for his terrarium. Scotty: Ahh. Olivia: What's that for? Kevin: Well, what does it say? Olivia: Can I go play with Zemulon now? Kevin: Of course you can. I mean, nametags for geckos? That's stupid. I think I just picked that up at a legal conference. Olivia: Can I show him our room? Kevin: Sure. Scotty: The shopping list. Kevin: The text. Scotty: She... Kevin: She can't read. Saul: Yeah. Come on. Nora: Hey. Where is she? Saul: She's getting ready. I think she wants to impress us. Nora: Impress us? My God. I'm a nervous wreck. I could hardly sleep last night. Midnight is a young man's game. Saul: You know, he's in the phone book. Nora: Who? Saul: Brody. Brody's in the phone book. I remembered, Brody is his last name. His name is Nick Brody. Nora: Saul, would you just please stop it? You're obsessed. Saul: Nora, I think that you should call him. Yeah, yeah, you were very close to him. Much closer than any of us ever knew. Nora: Stop it. Honestly. I'd just like to concentrate on... on today. I'm about to meet my new little granddaughter for the very first time, and I want to concentrate on that. Saul: Okay. Nora: Hi. Kevin: She's almost ready. Nora: Don't be mad at me if I cry. Kevin: Please tell me there aren't any leftovers in there. Saul: No, they're not leftovers. I, I brought a, a bunch of your favorite books from when you were a kid. Kevin: That's great. Thank you. Saul: So did you talk to the social worker? Kevin: Yeah, I did. A lot of kids fall through the cracks. So we've made an appointment to get her tested, and now we're just looking for tutors. Saul: Great. Nora: Kevin... you sound just like a dad. Kevin: Oh, stop it. You're gonna make me cry. Scotty: Olivia, this is Kevin's mom, Nora. Nora: Hi, Olivia. Scotty: And this is Uncle Saul. Saul: Hi, sweetheart. I'm so happy to meet you. Olivia: Thank you for my phone, Nora. Nora: Oh, absolutely. I mean, if you're gonna be in this family, you gotta have a phone. And you have to learn that whole 3-way calling thing. Olivia: I know how to do it. Nora: Ooh. Olivia: Do you want to meet my gecko? Nora: Y... your gecko? Oh, wow. Look at that. Saul: Wow. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Nora: Oh... my goodness. And what's his name? Olivia: Zemulon. Nora: Zemulon? Wow. Saul: Look at that tail. Amazing.