Season 5 Episode 18

Never Say Never First Aired: 10/Apr/2011

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Kevin: Sarah, quick question. How long do you think it'll be until the auto industry introduces a flying car? Sarah: Kevin, I do not have time to listen to you have a psychotic episode this morning. Kevin: Now that we officially have custody of Olivia, I'm perfectly healthy, thank you. I've just been reading the "30 things to do by 30" list that Justin wrote when he was 15, and number four... "have sex in a flying car." Sarah: I can't believe our little brother is turning 30. Kevin: Yeah, I don't think he can either. I'm at his place right now hoping this list will help. You know he canceled his trip to Mammoth with Dan and his friends? Sarah: I'm sure the ski bunnies in hot tubs will be devastated. Kevin: Yeah, I know, but we can't let Justin blow off his 30th birthday. Luc: Justin is blowing off his birthday? Sarah: Mm-hmm. Kevin: Oh, hey, Luc. Yeah. Sarah: I feel so old. I-I can barely remember my 30th. Kevin: You don't remember your 30th 'cause you were ripping Tequila shots and then you threw up on Joe. Sarah: Okay, Kevin, it was my last hurrah before babies and breast-feeding. Kevin: Number 14... "jump into the chocolate river at Hershey Park." I'm guessing somebody wasn't sober when he wrote that. Sarah: I'm gonna call mom. She'll know what to do. Hold on. Nora: What? Sarah: Wow. You sound like you're in a good mood, mom. Nora: I'm in a fine mood. What do you want? Sarah: Justin canceled his ski trip, and we've been left holding the birthday bag. Any ideas? Nora: I don't know. How about a dinner at my house? Kevin: What, another dinner party? Come on, mom. Start thinking outside the wine box. Nora: And hello to you, too, Kevin. Since when is dinner at my house not good enough? Luc: What about a dance party? Kevin: Oh, yeah. Perfect. Scotty could shut the restaurant, and we can get a deejay. Luc: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about a disco ball? You must get a disco ball. Sarah: You're out of control. Nora: Stop right there. Justin hates dancing. Look, honestly, I-I'll just do a fabulous dinner at my house. Brody: Where are the towels? Sarah: Is somebody there? Nora: No. Brody: Never mind. I found 'em. Kevin: Is Brody back? Nora: Yes. Sarah: How long's he staying? Nora: Oh, I don't know. Not long. Sarah: That's it? You're just another doggy day care to him? Nora: That and a laundromat. Sarah: Oh, please, tell me you're not doing his... Nora: Not doing his what, Sarah, his laundry? Don't be silly. Why would I do his laundry? Kevin: I gotta go. Bye. Justin: Kevin. Kevin: Hey. Justin: Hey. Who were you just talking to? Kevin: No one. We were just planning your birthday party. Justin: No. I told you, I don't want a birthday party. That's why I canceled the ski trip. Kevin: Oh, come on. You're just saying that now. Justin: No, I'm not just saying that. All right? Turning 30 is gonna suck. And you know what? Kitty skipped her 40th, so I'm skipping this one. Kevin: Look, 30 freaks everyone out. I developed a crippling self-tanning obsession just to cope with mine. It was a sad orange time. Justin: Look, I'm sure it was really sad. But you know what? I just worked a night shift, and I'm going to bed. And please don't break in to my home. It's creepy. Kevin: Wait. Look, I have coffee and something I think will make you very happy. Justin: What are you talking about? Kevin: Ta-da. Justin: Oh, my God. I gave this to you? Kevin: Isn't it amazing? We're gonna do every item on this list. Justin: You know someone with a flying car? Kevin: Every item that doesn't require time travel. Justin: "Tell mom what I really think of her"? Kevin: Oh, yeah, remember? She confiscated your discman. Justin: Oh, yeah. Wait. Why... You're doing this with me because? Kevin: Because you're my brother and I love you. Justin: You're lying to my face. Kevin: Okay. Scotty's mom is coming to stay. Justin: Oh. Kevin: And I have to be around her as little as humanly possible. So what about... a little "street fighter", old-school style? Justin: Wait. That's on the list? Kevin: Yeah. "Beat 'street fighter' in one session." You in? Justin: Uh, yes. Let's do it. Jonathan: I have a proposition. Saul: No, I am not taking ballroom classes with you, Jonathan. I had a horrendously humiliating experience with the waltz in junior high, so... Speaking of junior high. It's my mother. Mom, I'll talk to you later. Jonathan: I swear, I will never make you dance in public. This is about a house. Saul: A house? Jonathan: Now don't worry, Saul. I'm not asking you to move in with me. I'm buying a house in Palm Springs. It's beautiful, mid-century, great views. It needs a lot of work, but, um... Saul: So you want to restore a house in Palm Springs? Jonathan: Yeah. I thought we could do it together. You know, go there on weekends whenever you want, uh, holidays. You could even invite your family. Saul: You know what? Things are going along so well here with us. I-I just... I just don't want to tempt fate. You know, like my mother used to say, "kein ayin hara." Beware the envious evil eye. Scotty: Well, if you're worried about the evil eye, I'm giving you guys fair warning. My mother's coming in a matter of hours. Saul: Well, maybe I have to call Ida back so the two of them can entertain each other. Scotty: How about that? She called this morning and said she's "popping by" from Arizona. Jonathan: You seem a little, uh, anxious. Scotty: Oh, no, this isn't anxiety. It's dread. There's a big difference. She's meeting Olivia for the first time. Saul: And where's Kevin? Scotty: Hiding. Saul: What's with the tablecloth? Scotty: Oh, well, last time she was here, she said our dining room table was too modern. I didn't want to spend the next couple of days discussing it. Not that we ever discuss anything. I open my mouth to say something, and she goes completely deaf. Jonathan: Well, just don't take the bait. Scotty: You know, I used to think it was all about me being gay, but I realized, she doesn't approve of anything I've done, ever. I can't wait to hear what she has to say about my parenting. Saul: All right, wait a minute. So she's judgmental. What's the big deal? If you had grown up with my mother, you would've learned very quickly that the only way to survive is to be proud of who you are. Scotty: That's easier said than done, Saul. You still haven't told your mother you're gay. Jonathan: Your mother doesn't know you're gay? Saul: Yeah, well... Why would I tell her something like that? Jonathan: Because that's who you are. Saul: No, it's nothing like that. Anyway, it's too late now. She's just... she's not all there. Jonathan: Well, neither are you... If you're carrying around a secret like that. Brody: Oh, thanks. That shower felt good. Nora: Well, you clean up nicely. Hopefully your clothes will do the same. What do you do, play in the dirt? Brody: Actually, I do. That's my job. Nora: Oh. Brody: Whatcha doin'? Nora: Well, I-I'm planning a 30th birthday for Justin, and then Sarah is getting married, so... Brody: How about dinner and a movie? It's the least I can do after you took care of... Nora: Oh. It's my mother. I was supposed to visit her and I didn't. Brody: That's Ida? Don't tell her I'm here. She always hated me. Nora: I know. Hi, mom. Oh. I see. Could I call you back? No, I just need to call you back. Good. Thank you. Bye. Brody: Is everything all right? Nora: She died... This morning. Brody: She died? Nora: My mother died. I guess I have to plan a funeral now, too. Kevin: This is delicious. You should definitely go with the lemon. Luc: I don't know, Kevin. Kevin: Wait. Is that marzipan? Luc: Yeah. Sarah: Oh, good. You're all here. Justin: Yeah, we, uh, we came as soon as we heard. Sarah: Okay, this won't take long. I gotta get back for a conference call. Luc: You okay? Sarah: Yeah... Oh, my God. Please tell me that's dead. Kevin: No, it's synthetic. Feel the feathers... unbelievable. Luc: Yeah, it's an inspirational piece. We will have live ones at the wedding. Sarah: You're kidding. Luc: Okay, Benoit got a little carried away. Sarah: You think? Luc: Bad timing. Sarah: Kevin, what are you eating? Kevin: Cake samples. This one's marzipan. Sarah: Would you please stop? I doubt that's appropriate at this time. Kevin: What? I'm drowning my grief. Sarah: In what, icing? Justin: Okay, guys. Can we please talk about this? How's, uh, how's mom? Sarah: I can't really tell. I mean, she's thrown herself into organizing the funeral. Kevin: Don't worry. It won't be on your birthday. Justin: Uh, I wasn't worried, Kevin. Kevin: You know what? You should get mom to call Benoit. He could hook her up with this baker. What? People eat cakes at funerals. Sarah: Okay, listen, we've got some things to discuss and to decide. Firstly, Tommy and Kitty won't be making the funeral. Kevin & Justin: What? Kevin: How did they get out of it? Sarah: Uh, Kitty's in Boston with Seth. Kevin: That's lame. Sarah: Agreed. And Tommy can't get leave from his new job. Justin: Well, that... that's not right. Sarah: It is what it is. Anyway, mom would like the rest of us to say something at the service. Kevin: No way. Justin: Are you kidding me? Kevin: No, Justin. I'm not kidding you, okay? Ida hated me. In fact, she went out of her way to tell me what a disappointment I was. Justin: Kevin, stop it, all right? She was our grandmother and she died. Show some respect. Luc: Justin is right. You guys have to put your differences aside now. Kevin: You know what? She didn't. Sarah: Okay, listen, whoever wants to say something, say something. If you don't, please explain to mom yourself. Kevin: Fine. Sarah: All right, next... Somebody's gonna have to go to the nursing home and clean out Ida's stuff. I'm sorry. I do not have time in the next... Justin: I'll do it. Sarah: Thank you. Luc: Justin, you want me to come with you? Justin: Yeah, sure. That'd be great. Sarah: Okay, good. That's it. I gotta get back. Um, do you think we could get Benoit to get rid of all this stuff? Luc: Okay, Sarah, I get it. You don't want swans. Kevin: But you should definitely go with one of these cakes. They're delicious. Scotty: Hi, mom. Good to see you. Bertha: Hi, honey. Scotty: Ah. Bertha: Oh. It is much nicer up here than I expected. I can't believe you live above the restaurant. It must get noisy. How does Olivia sleep? Scotty: Well... well, it's a... it's a caffee. It's not a nightclub. Bertha: I am just so grateful it hasn't closed yet. Restaurants are such notoriously bad investments. Scotty: Actually, we've doubled our profits in the last six months. Bertha: Well, that's good. Scotty: Mm. Bertha: Especially with Kevin doing the pro bono. He must have a lot of time on his hands. But that's nice. He can be the stay-at-home mom. Scotty: Actually, it... it... it's stay-at-home dad. And, you know, second, we share the parenting, so... what... what is this? Bertha: Oh, that's a gift for Olivia. All the Mexican kids love piñatas. Scotty: Oh... wow. Y-you know, we just had a piñatas at Evan's birthday party. Maybe we should save this for later. We wouldn't want to spoil her. Bertha: Oh. Well, when is she gonna be home? I have so many things planned for us to do. Scotty: In a few hours. Look, um, I should give you a heads-up. It's a bit of a weird time right now. Kevin's grandmother just died. Bertha: Well, thank goodness I came. You boys are gonna need all the help you can get. Scotty: Well, actually, we're doing fine. Bertha: Not to worry. I'm here now. Scotty: I wasn't worried. Until now. Brody: Who are you calling now? Nora: Saul. I've been trying him for two hours. He doesn't pick up. Brody: Nora, why don't you sit down for a second, okay? You've been running around like a housewife on meth. Nora: I can't sit down. I have too many things to do. Brody: Nora, stop. Your mom just died. It's okay to stop. Nora: I know that. Brody: Okay, good. So then talk to me. How are you feeling? Nora: I feel fine. Brody: Really? Nora: Look, it's tragic. But it was her time. The circle of life... Oh, God. Did I just quote "The lion king"? Brody: I don't know. I never saw it. Saul: Nora. Nora. Nora: Oh, this is gonna be hard. Saul: Nora, where is he? Saul: Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Nora: Saul, I need to talk to you. Saul: Brody, I can't believe I recognize you. Nora: Saul... Saul: I know. You were calling me... Nora: Yes, Saul: ... because you wanted to tell me Brody was here. He's here. Nora: No, I need to talk to you. Saul: Actually, Scotty's so crazy... Nora: Saul! Saul: What? Nora: Saul, mother died. Mother died. 6.30 this morning, a heart attack. Saul: No. Bertha: Isn't this one beautiful? Scotty: It's... ooh. It's really lacey. Kevin: I'm... I'm just not sure if it's Olivia, though. Bertha: Nonsense. You boys have no idea how to dress girls. They want dresses and pretty shoes. Show 'em your new shoes, honey. Scotty: Ooh. Kevin: Oh, w-wow. Scotty: Okay, well, you know what? Lunch is ready. Let's eat. Bertha: Great. Well, Liv and gamma want to sit next to each other, right, honey bunny? Scotty: Mm. Bertha: Oh, you know what would be so pretty? A French braid. I could teach you. Scotty: Oh... well, maybe after lunch. Bertha: Actually, I was thinking Olivia and I could go to Griffith Park after lunch. Maybe ride a pony? Olivia: Um, I don't like ponies. Bertha: Every little girl likes ponies. Kevin: Uh, well, maybe not every little girl. Scotty: You know what? Olivia has a lot of homework. Right, O.? Olivia: Yeah. I have a huge math test to study for. Kevin: Yeah, that's a... that's a big test. Olivia: Yeah. May I please be excused from the table? Kevin & Scotty: Of course. Bertha: You know, I got all A's in math. Maybe I should go and help... Kevin: Bertha, go to the movies. You know, spend time with Scotty. Enjoy your vacation. Scotty: I think what Kevin means is... You need to stop trying so hard. You're overwhelming her. Bertha: Well, excuse me for trying to spend time with my only grandchild, who lives a million miles away. Scotty: That's not what I mean. Bertha: I had to invite myself to even come and meet her. You know how that makes me feel? Scotty: We were gonna invite you once the adoption was finalized. Bertha: When did Nora meet her? I'm sorry. I think I've lost my appetite.

Kevin: Wow. I barely even recognize her looking like that... happy. Justin: Well, by the time we met her, she really didn't have much to be happy about. Kevin: No. Justin: Here. Kevin: Oh, come on. Seriously? We're... we're not even religious. Justin: Grandma was, so everyone here is gonna wear one. Kevin: I gave that letter to Saul. I think he's scared to open it. You find anything else in that room? Justin: No, not much. Just a, uh, an old picture of grandpa. Kevin: Grandpa Bernie? I didn't think they were exactly the perfect couple. Justin: Well, they weren't, but she never found anyone else. Kevin: She had plenty of time to find someone else. Justin: You know what, Kevin? Not everyone's as lucky as you are. I mean, if you hadn't met Scotty, you'd probably still be some corporate lawyer, hooking up with a different guy every night. Kevin: Wow. Is that what you think of me? Justin: Look, all I'm saying is, I know what she went through. All right? When my marriage ended, it felt like my life stopped. Kevin: You're nothing like Ida. Justin: How do you know? I'm about to be 30 years old, and I'm a single divorceé, Kevin. Kevin: Yeah, and look what you've achieved. You served your country three times, you beat addiction, you save lives for a living. Justin: Kevin, I don't care what I've achieved. I'm alone, just like grandma. And she ended up in a-a sad empty room with an old photograph. Not everyone gets the life they want. Scotty: Saul. I think they're ready to start. Saul: Thanks, Scotty. Scotty: What's the letter say? Saul: I don't know. Scotty: Well, don't you want to read it? Saul: No, Scotty. I don't want to read it. My mother told me a while ago that she wanted to write me about... She couldn't even say it out loud. Neither of us could. So she finally gets to say... What she wanted to say... That she's ashamed of me for being gay. And I don't want to read it. Come on. Let's go inside. Rabbi: Today, of course, is a celebration of the life of Ida Holden, beloved mother and grandmother. Her family would like to share some of their memories now. Please. Nora: Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for coming. I'm Nora Walker. Ida Holden was my mother. My mother... My mother was... The truth is... I can accept the things that she was. It's the things... It's the things she wasn't that breaks my heart. I, uh... I can't do this. I have nothing to say. I can't do this. I can't do this. Brody: Nora, come on. Let's go home. It's okay. Nora: I'm sorry. I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say. Scotty: Hi, mom. How's Olivia? Bertha: Sleeping like an angel. Kevin: Oh, great. Oh, thank you so much for watching her. I don't think she was quite ready for the Walker grief parade, and she never met the woman. Bertha: Seems like there's a lot of family - you've kept away from her. Scotty: That's enough. I told you, we just got custody. I can't listen to this. I'm going downstairs. Bertha: Well... I think I'll probably be leaving tomorrow. Kevin: No, you don't have to do that. Bertha: It's pretty clear I do. Kevin: No, you just need to learn to zip it. Bertha: Excuse me? Kevin: Bertha, Olivia is our child, and we're gonna make mistakes, but you have to let us make them. Bertha: Y-you know, Scotty and I, it has never worked with us. It's like everything I say comes out wrong. Kevin: Well, then say something else, because he wants you guys to have a good relationship as much as you do. Bertha: When I came here, I think I felt, if I could be the perfect grandmother, somehow I could heal Scotty and me. It's idiotic, I know. Kevin: Bertha... I buried my grandmother today. She doesn't have the chance to fix what was wrong with us, much less her own children. You still do. Bertha: Oh. Saul: We need another case of red. Scotty: Oh, I'm glad to see things finally getting back to normal with the Walkers. Kevin: Well the Irish drown their sorrows in whiskey. The Walkers prefer a full-bodied cab. Saul: Well, it's not just our family, you know? Those old ladies out there? They're doing just fine. Kevin: What about you, Saul? How many sheets to the wind do you need to be before you read that letter? Saul: I don't know. At least a few. Scotty: You know, the longer you wait, the harder it gets. Kevin: Why don't you just rip it off, like a band-aid? Saul: Okay. Here we go. Read it, Scotty. Scotty: Me? Saul: Yeah. I don't have my glasses. Just read it, please. Scotty: Okay. Scotty: "My dear Saul, Scotty: "it breaks my heart to write this letter. Scotty: "I've known since you were a young man that you've been keeping a secret." Saul: Okay. Okay. All right. Give it to me. I'll read it. I don't need my glasses. Maybe. Okay. Saul: "...Keeping a secret. Saul: "But I know there was a reason. Saul: "At first, you probably didn't even want to admit it to yourself." Saul: Good, mom. Saul: "And I never thought that I could be the one to ask you. Saul: "So now I cnn only hope that you've had a beautiful life Saul: "and someone to share it with even if you didn't share that part of it with me. Saul: "You deserve... Saul: "All the happiness in the world... Saul: "My Saul. Saul: "I trust you found it. Love... mother." Saul: I told you I shouldn't read it. Kevin: That was beautiful, Saul. Saul: What was beautiful? Nothing she wanted for me happened. I have spent all of my life alone. It's funny. The only thing I was able to hide from my mother was my loneliness. Scotty: But you're not. You're not alone. I'm sorry it's too late for you to tell her that, but it's not too late for you and Jonathan. Justin: Hey. Kevin: Are you coming inside? Justin: Uh, yeah, yeah. In a... in a minute. Kevin: Do you really think I got here because of luck? Justin: No, I do not. And I apologize for saying that. Kevin: Thank you, because I've worked very hard to be good enough for someone like Scotty. And you know who gave me the hope to do that? Justin: Oh, God, Kevin. Please, please do not say me. All right? You guys do this all the time. It's insulting. It's, "Justin was such a screw-up." "Look how far he was able"... Kevin: Okay, let me put it like this. You're right. Life isn't fair. Sometimes good people live sad lives. You're not gonna be one of them, okay? Because any kid who writes a list like this isn't gonna... Justin: Give me that list. Kevin: No. No. Justin: Kevin, give me the list. It's my list. Kevin: No, no, listen. Listen. Justin: Kevin, it's my l... it's my list. Kevin: I know. Listen to this. "Ride a wave on bells beach. Go streaking. Have a threesome." Justin: Well, you can check one of those off the list. Kevin: How big was the wave? Justin: Not big enough. Kevin: You're a dreamer, Justin. And you still are. Yeah, most of this list is impossible, but... You have more determination than anyone I know. And luck didn't get you here. You did. So write another list. Come on. Justin: "Dye my hair"? What was I thinking? Kevin: It was the '90s. Bleached blonde was in. Nora: We did what? What? Saul: You told him so many incredible things about her... Nora: Oh, no, no. Well, I just... I can't believe that everyone else is gone but us. Brody: Who? Who are you talking about? Sarah: Oh, come on, mom. They're all pretty old. I think they had to get home to the retirement village before lockdown. Brody: Is the wedding still on? Luc: Oh, yes, yes. Sarah: Oh, yeah. Luc: It's gonna be quite a party. Sarah: Mm-hmm. But no swans. Luc: No, no swans. Brody: Great. Kevin: Oh, what are you gonna do about the cake? You going with the marzipan? Sarah: Listen to him. Kevin, you should plan our wedding. Kevin: I'd love to. Sarah: Are you serious? Kevin: Yeah. Luc: You're on. Kevin: Great. Nora: You know what? I happen to know a-a florist who is available. Sarah: Is she short? Nora: She's short and older, but she works hard. Justin: Wait, wait, whoa, whoa. Who's doing the bachelor party? Kevin & Scotty: We are. Saul: No, excuse me. We are. Jonathan: Us? Saul: Yeah, we are, in Palm Springs. Jonathan: What? Saul: Yes, we're gonna buy a house there. Jonathan: We are? Scotty: That would be incredible. That would be brilliant. Brody could drive you all down in his R.V. Kevin: Oh, really? Sarah: I mean, if... if he's around. Are you gonna be around, Brody? Brody: I might be. That could happen. Actually, I'd like to make a toast, uh, if I could. Um, Ida never really liked me very much. Nora: I'll say. Hey. Oh. Sorry. Brody: She didn't think I was good enough for her daughter. She was probably right, but, uh, I have to say this... people do change. Hmm? I-I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be sitting around this family's table... a family that Ida helped create. So, uh... Come on. Here's to Ida. All: To Ida. Saul: Hmm. Actually, now it's my turn. Mother... Mother, I'd like you to meet the love of my life... Jonathan: What? Saul: Jonathan. Sarah: Aww. Jonathan: Sweetheart. Nora: Oh. Never say never. Justin: Okay, wait, wait. It's my turn. Guys, I'm turning 30... Nora: Oh, my God! Justin: ...in less than 45 minutes. Nora: Your birthday! Sarah: Oh, my God! I completely forgot. Justin: Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. I don't want anything from anyone, but there is something that I have to do by the time it's 12:00, which is soon. My lovely brother Kevin, um, informed me that I had made a list many, many years ago of things that I wanted to accomplish by now, and... at the top of the list is, "Tell mom what I really think of her." The first thing I want to say is, I'm really pissed you took my discman. Nora: What? Justin: Mom... I love you. And we all do, and you did a great job today. And that's all I wanted to say. Kevin: To mom. Saul: To my sister. Sarah: You're awesome. Luc: Nora. Brody: Hear, hear. Nora: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. To Ida. All: Hear, hear. To Ida.