Season 5 Episode 10

Cold Turkey First Aired: 12/Dec/2010

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Kevin: It's Santa. Hey, hey, it's Santa. Scotty: Oh, yeah. Apparently he has a fondness for a shot of cognac in his cappuccino. Kevin: Would one of you take a picture of me with him? Scotty: Oh, no, no, no, no. Rein it in, Rudolph. He's working at the Christmas fair down the street. Let him get drunk in peace. Oh, look, it's a Christmas card from Joan and Jesse. Saul: Let me see. Scotty: Oh, my gosh. You know, that could be us next year? Our very own little Christmas card family. Jonathan: Saul? Saul: Jonathan? Jonathan: Oh, my God. How are you? Squl: Jonathan, hi. How are you? It's been a long time. Jonathan: Yeah, yeah. You're looking good. Saul: Thanks. Thank you. So are you. Jonathan: I wish I could stay and talk, but I'm late for the "messiah" at Disney hall. Uh, will you call me? Saul: Y.. yeah, I will. Jonathan: Great. Well, merry Christmas. Saul: Merry Christmas. Jonathan: Hope to hear from you soon. Scotty, Kevin: Hallelujah hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah hallelujah Sarah: I spoke to human resources a week ago about that list. Could somebody please just e-mail it to me? Thank you. Kevin: Kiss me. I'm under the mistletoe. Sarah: Oh, well, look up, frosty. There ain't no mistletoe. Kitty: And there's no swagging on the banister and no pinecone wreath. Justin: And the Christmas tree is just standing there, naked. Kevin: What? What about the village and the train? Justin: Not even unpacked yet. Kevin: What?! Nora: Good, good, good. You're all here. Justin: What's going on, mom? Kevin: Yeah, you're cutting it a little close. Nora: Oh, you have no idea. I can't believe we got a flight out tonight. I hope we make it. Kitty: Oh, no. We're not all flying to the north pole, are we? All: Aw. Nora: No. This isn't easy. Um... well, you know how busy I've been, and Karl and I have not been able to spend as much time together as we would like, and we all like Karl, don't we? I'll take that as a yes. So I... Sarah: Mom, just spit it out. Justin: Seriously. Kitty: Yeah. Nora: I'm not having Christmas this year. I'm going to Santa Fe with Karl. Kevin: W... Nora: I know. It just seems rash and... and impulsive, but I've always dreamed of spending Christmas there, with the snow and the little candles in the paper bags on the rooftops. I know it sounds like a fire hazard, but it looks so beautiful in the magazines, and I'm sure you will all have a much better time without me around being all me. There he is. I have to go. So... the decorations are all stacked in the living room. Take whatever you want, and if you have a problem, one single problem, then call me. I will have my cell phone with me every second. Okay. Here I go. I love you all. Merry Christmas. Kevin: Hmm. I... Justin: Did she just... Kitty: Cancel Christmas? Sarah: Oh, frankly, I'm relieved. Kevin: What kind of mother would do that? Sarah: I'm gonna get back to the office. You guys figure out what you want to do, and I'll be there. Justin: Talk about coal in your stocking. Kitty: Wait a minute. Maybe this is a good thing, guys. Maybe it's time for us to start building our own traditions. I mean, maybe you guys should all come over to my house. Yeah! I'm gonna get a tree. I'm gonna make a turkey. I... Kevin: You know what, Kitty? You don't have to go to all that trouble. Kitty: Oh, no, no, no, no, it's no trouble at all. Kevin: Yeah, you know, your house... I don't know. It's kind of... modern. Our place is perfect. Justin: Okay, let's figure this out, guys. I have a lot riding on it. Kitty: No, Kevin, I really wanna have it at my house. Kevin: Why? You always make fun of the way mom does Christmas. Kitty: I do not. Kevin: You do. Look, let's just do it at mine. It'll be bigger, better, brighter... Kitty: Better? Justin: Well, look, Kevin: I mean... Kitty: Wow. Kevin: No. Kitty: Okay, no. I'm going home. Kevin: No, Kit, I didn't mean "better," like mine would be better... Kitty: We'll talk about it tomorrow, Kevin. Kevin: Kit. Kitty: No. "Better," Kevin? Wow. Justin: I don't care who does it. Please have some figgy freakin' pudding there. Kevin: Kitty, I'm sorry. I didn't mean better. I just meant different. But I still think we should all come here. Kitty: Well, it's too late, Kevin. I already got a tree. Kevin: You know what? We just bought two. Kitty: Oh. Ah! Kevin: Oh. What was that? Kitty: Uh, nothing. Nothing. And guess what else. I found a caterer who works on Christmas. Kevin: I have one word for you... Scotty. Kitty: Okay, fine. So we're at an impasse. We're gonna let Sarah decide because she's the oldest. Kevin: Sarah isn't exactly the grand master of the Christmas parade this year. Kitty: Oh. Um, I gotta go. Well... Kevin: What do you think? I mean, we're still waiting for the Kris Kringle cocoa cups, but so far, pretty good, right? Justin: Um, yeah, well, you know, to... to be honest, I think we could probably use a little more sugar plum and a... a little less... fairy. Kevin: What, I... is it the golden girls tree toppers? Justin: No, Kevin, it's everything, all right? Where... where's... where's the... the toy soldiers? Where's the... the nutcracker? Where's the figgy pudding? Kevin: What? Justin: I'm sorry, but I, I need this Christmas to be like, you know, like the old Christmas movies with... with Jimmy Stewart, where he's... where he's crying. Crying? Because he's happy. You know, like hap-happy tears, Kevin. Kevin: And little miss yule log cabin republican, how is it at her place? Justin: It's a little sad. I'm not gonna lie to you. Yeah. Look, Kevin, I really like this girl, okay? And I promised her a Christmas like, uh... I don't know, like... like mom's. Kevin: Wait. Justin: What? Kevin: I know just what we need, without which no Walker Christmas is a Walker Christmas. Your hot nurse is gonna love this. Hold on to your sleigh bells, Bucko. I'm gonna be right back. Ho, ho, ho! Toy: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Kitty: "Christmas tree topper, garland, lights." Where's the train? Where's the train? Oh, my God. There is so much stuff. "Decorations, gift wrapping, "Christmas lights. Bows." "Santa's village." Oh, yes, yes, yes. Oh, my... Oh, my God, Kevin. Kevin, you scared me. Kevin: What's going on, Kit? Kitty: Nothing. I just popped by to... to get some tinsel. Kevin: Tinsel? Kitty: Tinsel. You know, for the tree. Kevin: I know what tinsel's for. Kitty: Good. So now I have my tinsel. So I'm going to go. Kevin: Why does it say "Santa's village" on your box? Kitty: It does? Kevin: Mm-hmm. You think you're real crafty, don't you? Only you forgot one thing. Mom puts Santa's village in the "Santa's village" box, but she puts his train... in "candles and icicles." Whoops. Kitty: Really, Kevin, is this what it's come to? Kevin: Why don't you give me the village? Because we all know it doesn't mean anything without the train. Kitty: But the train doesn't mean anything without the village, so... Kevin: I set it up every year. I know where the general store goes, the post office, the little town square gazebo. It would be useless in your hands. Just give me the village. Kitty: This isn't about the village, is it, Kevin? You know, in fact, this is about who's going to carry the Walker torch after mom isn't here anymore. Kevin: Your words, not mine. Kitty: Always the lawyer, aren't you? Kevin: It's so typical of a politician to blame a lawyer. Right from the beginning, you just assumed it was your right. Kitty: So did you. Kevin: No, I'm fighting for my right because I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking that Scotty and I aren't a real family. Kitty: Oh, my God. Did you just play the gay card? Because you come from the most loving, liberal family known to man. Mom couldn't be more gay friendly if she twirled a Baton up Santa Monica boulevard in a Cher costume. Kevin: If you're so tolerant, let me do Christmas. Kitty: Did it ever occur to you that I need to show my son that we are still a family after everything that we've been through? Kevin: I'm not allowed to use the gay card, but you're allowed to pull the widow card? Kitty: I cannot believe that you just said that. Kevin: I'm sorry you're being so intractable. Kitty: I'm not the one foaming at the mouth like some Christmas crackhead. Kevin: Well, maybe we shouldn't do it together this year. Kitty: Fine by me. Go ahead, Kevin. Go have your 2-tree'd, L.G.B.T.'D, politically correct, "don me now my gay apparel" holiday extravaganza without me. Enjoy the train. Kevin: Enjoy the village.

Nora: They would've been a hell of a lot better off without me. Better off without me, without me, without me. Sarah: I told you I would take care of it. Listen, I'll have the money back in the bank account by the end of the month. I didn't think you would make it. Kevin: Little meltdown on the domestic front, but I'm here. Nora: Kevin? Karl: They can't hear you, Nora. Sarah: Nice vest. Kevin: Mm. Karl: You're not here. Kevin's wife: Sorry we're late. The little angels decided their Christmas dresses were too scratchy till their daddy told his princesses how pretty they look. Nora: Kevin's married? To a woman? Kevin's daughters: Merry Christmas, auntie Sarah. Sarah: No sticky fingers. It's lacroix. Nora: With kids? Karl: He always did want children. Kevin's daughter: Let's go look at the presents. Kevin's wife: No peeking. Sarah: Are you ready for this? Kevin: No. But nothing a couple of shots of bourbon won't fix. Nora: Karl, what's happening? Karl: You always thought your kids would've been better off if you'd run away years ago. Well, now you can see for yourself. Nora: Where did I run away to? Karl: A condo in Boca. Nora: Boca? That's impossible. My mother lives there. Karl: Come. There's more to see. Nora: Oh, Oh, my God. Who decorated this place, the tooth fairy? Justin: Hey, Kev, Sarah, this is, uh, angel. Which is perfect for Christmas. Nora: Oh, my God. He's drunk. Karl: Yes, he's always drunk now. You see, there was no one there to rally the troops for his intervention. Justin: She's on the top of the tree. She flies 'cause she's got wings. Kitty: Who's he gonna bring over for Easter... Bunny? Nora: Kitty. Well, why is she mumbling like that? Karl: Without you there to rebel against, she never found her voice. Nora: Oh.. Kevin's daughter: Who's this one from, daddy? Kevin: Well, let's see, shall we? Justin: She's got wings. Kevin: "With love, from grandma Nora." Wow. Kevin's daughter: Who's grandma Nora? Justin: "Who's grandma Nora?" All: hahahahaha Kevin's wife: Oh, you girls are too young to remember. But guess what. She'll be here tonight, so you'll get to see her. Kitty: Yeah, briefly. Holly: Hello, my darlings. Kevin's daughter: Nana! Nana! Kitty: "Nana. Nana." Nora: What is Holly doing here? Karl: You didn't really expect William to remain alone, did you? Nora: Oh! William married Holly? This is her house? Oh, God, Karl. I can't see anymore. Please take me back to Santa Fe. Karl: Oh, Nora, Nora, it's... it's only just begun. Holly: It's so wonderful to see you all here. Kitty: She said with a big fake smile on her face. Holly: Do you think you could try to make yourself presentable for the occasion? Kitty: Oh, yeah. The occasion. Christmas with Eva Braun. Holly: No one is forcing you to live here, Kitty. I'm your meal ticket, not your jailer. Hey, you two little angels, how would you like to watch one of Nana's movies before dinner? Kevin's daughter: Yeah! Holly: How about the one with the chimpanzee? Kevin's daughter: Yeah! Holly: Yes? Okay, let's go. Bye. Kitty: Six months in the jungle with her? No wonder the monkey fired his agent. Sarah: Stay cool, little sister. We stick to the plan, you'll be free of her forever. Nora: Plan? What are they talking about? What plan? Scotty: Excuse me, everybody. Nora: Oh, Scotty! Oh, please tell me he's not as bad as the rest. Scotty: Uh, this is a cheese puff filled with mango peach salsa to keep you busy, and dinner is on its merry way. Kitty: Thank you. Justin: Yeah, great. Kevin: I'm just gonna run to the kitchen and grab some more ice. Kitty: Oh, is that what they're calling it nowadays... ice? Karl: Nora, this way. Scotty: Oh, would you stop? Kevin: Donner can't keep his hands off blitzen. Scotty: Oh, Kevin. Your wife is in the other room. Kevin: Well, then we could steal away to my old bedroom. I kept all my old toys. You could pin your tail on my donkey. Scotty: Ee-aw. Kevin: Yeah. Oh. Nora: Why is he still in the closet? Karl: You weren't there to tell him it was okay to step out of it. Scotty: No, no, no, no, no. This is wrong. We can't keep doing this, Kevin. I... Kevin: Shh. Isn't that better? Scotty: Mm. Sarah: Really, Kevin? Kevin: Thank God I learned the Heimlich Maneuver in the scouts. Are you okay, young man? Scotty: I'm fine. I should really take this. Canape's out. Kevin: Good. Sarah: You're already being blackmailed by one service provider. You trying to make it a matched set? Kevin: Oh, you're one to talk. Philandry isn't nearly as expensive a hobby as embezzlement. Sarah: Well, we're both about to solve our problems, aren't we? Kevin: How did my older sister become so cold-hearted? Sarah: It's just another termination as far as I'm concerned. Nora: Termination? Who... who's she terminating? Oh, Karl, is something terrible about to happen? Karl: Oh, beyond your imagining. Justin: Hey-o. Whoa. Hey, hey, this is... This is my type of Christmas, huh? Ay-yi-yi-yi. Ooh, that's sweet. Sarah: I'm not surprised. It's powdered sugar for the futzenfassen. Kevin: Pfeffernussen. Sarah: Shut up, Kevin. Justin, pull yourself together. You're pathetic. We've got a job to do. ♪ Carol of the Bells ♪ by This Ascension♪ Listen Justin: Look, Sarah, I don't think this is a good idea. Sarah: Think of it this way, little brother... One-fifth of the money dad left her can be yours. A lifetime supply of Peruvian pleasure powder. Come on, boys. It's showtime. Nora: I didn't raise them to be like this. Karl: Exactly, Nora. You didn't raise them at all. Follow me. Kevin: Holly, dinner's gonna be a little delayed. Could you go check on the kids, make sure they're snug as a bug upstairs? Holly: I would love to. They're probably at the part where the chimp proposes. Kevin: Yeah. Nora: Oh, my God. They're going to kill holly, aren't they? Sarah: There's no turning back now. This is for the warm and personal checks you sent us every birthday. Kitty: For all those postcards from exotic places. Kevin: For the college trip that you almost took us on. Justin: For being there when I pitched my perfect game, in spirit, anyway. Sarah: And one for Tommy. Justin: Oh. Sarah: We all know how that worked out. Nora: What happened to Tommy? Karl: Believe me, Nora, you... you don't wanna know. Holly: Ah, the girls are all cozy in the den. You should see them. They're in stitches. Nora: Holly... Don't drink the eggnog. They're trying to kill you. Sarah: Any final words, holly? Holly: For you, Nora, for bringing us all together as one big, happy family. Kevin: Welcome home, mother. Nora: It's not holly they're going to kill. It's me! No! Nora: Oh, God, Karl, it was... it was awful. I mean, my children were... were monsters. They were ruthless and... and conniving. This cold turkey is not working for me, not on... on Christmas. What was I thinking? I wanna go home. Karl: Oh, Nora. Nora: No. No, no, no. I'm not gonna go home and then call them all and drag them over to my house. I won't take over. It won't be all about me. I'll just sit there quietly and... and... and enjoy them. I mean, I... I have a right to enjoy them. They're extraordinary people, and I love them. And that's a good thing. Karl: Yes. It's beautiful.

Jonathan: Come in. Hey! Come in. Come in. I'm so glad you called. Uh, sit, please. God, it's been a long time. I guess I was still anchoring back then. Loaded half the time. Were you watching the night I confused Gorbachev with Baryshnikov? Saul: No, I, I don't think so. Jonathan: Yes. Saul: Listen, Jonathan, this is a little difficult for me... Jonathan: Difficult? What is it, Saul? Saul: Last year, I found out that I'm H.I.V. Positive. Oh. I'm fine. I mean, I... I'm... I'm good. My... my... my numbers are good. But you can imagine what a shock it was for me. Jonathan: Well, actually, I can. When I found out I was, it was.... Like the world stopped. But that was a long time ago. They know much more about it now. Squl: I was infected a long time ago, too, Jonathan. Jonathan: And... you just found out? Saul: I didn't think there was any reason to be tested. Why didn't you call me, Jonathan? Jonathan: Call you? Saul: Wow... You know, last year, I thought that I'd get all modern and I put myself on Facebook, and there you were, writing about your experience with the disease on your homepage. Jonathan: Yeah, well, it's part of my job now. I use my own story as a way of educating. Saul: Do you? With all this education, how come you didn't see fit to let me know? Isn't that one of the basic tenants of this organization, to... to... to inform your sexual partners? Isn't that it? Why... why didn't you call me? Jonathan: Oh, my God. Oh, Saul. Saul: You don't remember sleeping with me. Jonathan: No. Saul: I thought that I was falling in love with you. Jonathan: Why didn't you say something? Saul: I did, the night we slept together. I remember exactly what I said. I said, "I could fall in love with someone like you." Jonathan: Oh, my God. Saul: You... You really don't remember the bad Chinese food we ate that night? You don't remember watching Lena Horne fill her coupe de ville at the gas station... On the corner of vine... You don't remember. Okay. I'll... I'll fill you in. We ended up in your bed. And obviously, it didn't mean anything to you at all. Jonathan: Saul, if I gave this to you... Well, there's nothing I can say. ♪ Deck the Halls ♪ by Urban Nation Choir♪ Listen Frank: Oh. I'm sorry. We'll try and keep it down. ♪ The Christmas Song ♪ by Ella Fitzgerald♪ Listen Scotty: Okay. Somebody has to be the first to blink. Will you call her? Please. Kevin: Kitty? Kitty: What are you doing? Kevin: Just watching this stupid train go round and round like a dog trying to bite off its own tail. How about you? Kitty: Oh, I'm just sitting here staring at this dumb village. It's like there was a chemical disaster and all the little people had to move away. Kevin: So what are we gonna do? Kitty: Ugh. I don't know. I don't know. Should we call mom? Kevin: No, let's not do that. She wants to be alone with Karl. And we have to figure out how we can do this on our own. Kitty: Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Sarah. You know she's always been the tiebreaker. Hang on. Hi, Sarah. Sarah: Hey. Kitty: I'm on with Kevin. I'm gonna put you on conference. Sarah: Listen, whoever's having Christmas, just count me out. Kitty: Why? Sarah: I fired an old lady and her wooden dummy yesterday. Kevin: You fired a wooden dummy? Sarah: Yes. I'm evil. Kitty: No, Sarah. You're not evil. Kevin: She did fire a wooden dummy, Kitty. Kitty: Well, that doesn't make her evil, Kevin. I mean, don't you remember what mom always used to say? That bad people are not really bad, they're... they're just afraid. Sarah: She also said that the shark in "jaws" only killed people because it was afraid that a boat might run over its young. Kevin: Well, maybe she's right. You know, that's why I bit your head off last night, Kit, because I was afraid. You know, laugh all you want, but growing up in this family, where it's all about family... I was always scared that I was gonna be the only one never to have that. Kitty: Yeah, well, you're not the only one who's scared. I've been so concerned with making it on my own and proving to myself that I don't need anybody that I forgot that I'm not on my own, and to make it even worse, I actually like the guy that I'm not on my own with. Kevin: So what about you, Sarah? Come on. We're all baring our souls here. What are you scared of? Sarah: Maybe I am scared that... I'm gonna shipwreck the company. Kevin: Yeah, maybe. Maybe all our fears can come true. So what? Walkers aren't grinches. They're Whos. And when the Grinch did steal Christmas, and all the trees and presents and decorations were gone, what did the Whos do? Sarah: You went boogie boarding on Christmas Eve? Oh, and Santa speaks Spanish. Wow. Well, honey, you call me first thing when you wake up, okay? Okay, baby. Bye. Mom, you're back. Nora: Yeah. Sarah: Oh, my... Hey, everyone, guess what. Mom's back. I'm not kidding. Kitty: Mom. Sarah: She's back. Mom. Nora: Hi. Sarah: You're the last person we were expecting. Kevin: Mom! Kitty: Mom! Justin: Oh, my God! Sarah: Merry Christmas. What happened? Kevin: What happened? Kitty: What are you doing? Justin: Hey. Norah: Well, it's a long story. Kivin: Whatever the story is, please, please don't ever do that again. Kitty: Yeah. That's not okay. Justin: Come here, mom. Oh, thank God you're home. Kevin: Let's drink. Mom, eggnog? Nora:Yes, I'd... I'd love some eggnog. Sarah: I would love some eggnog. Kitty: Yeah. Kevin: Coming up. I think we all need some eggnog. Seth: Hi. Kitty: Hi. Hi. Seth: Hi. Kitty: Oh, my gosh. Hi. Hi. Sarah: Seth. The grad student. Kevin: Oh. Kitty: Hey, okay, everyone. This is Seth. Nora: Hi, Seth. Kevin: Hi, Seth. Sarah: Hi, Seth. Justin: Hi, Seth. ♪ Jingle Bells ♪ by Dean Martin ♪ Listen Seth: Wow. Uh, there are... There's so many of you, and so few of me. Sarah: Welcome to Walker-ville. Have some eggnog. Kitty: Yeah, have some eggnog. Sarah: Merry Christmas! Louise: "And scrooge was better than his word. "And to tiny Tim, he was a second father." That's the least he could do. " And so tiny Tim observed, 'God bless us, everyone." Kevin: What's going on with you? You've been so quiet all night. Saul: I just didn't feel like talking to anyone. I called that guy I met at the restaurant. Kevin: Oh, and? Saul: And, uh, I'll... I'll talk about it some other time. Right now I just need a hug from my nephew. Kevin: Oh. Come on. Uh-oh. Look out. Watch your backs. Coming through. Justin: What is that? Scotty: Figgy pudding. Nora: It's on fire. Angel: Oh, that's figgy pudding? Scotty: That's the point. It's... it's a traditional Victorian recipe, although, I did throw in a little saffron and candied ginger. Kitty: Of course you did. Angel: Thank you. Kitty: Wow. Scotty: Here you go. For you. Nora: Okay. Scotty: Don't mind the mess. Nora: Whoa. It's just right. Justin: Thanks, mom. Sarah: It's such a treat, having you with us tonight. I wanted to thank you for coming. Louise: Well, thank you for taking the ax out of my neck. Sarah: It was easy once I realized that the world will still turn with an hour less news on a Sunday morning. Louise: Well, then you've learned a lot. Seth: Well, this makes going home for the holidays not seem all that bad. Kitty: Oh, yeah. Home. You know, I shut you up the other day. You were about to say something about home. What... what is it that you wanted to tell me? Seth: I don't think you want to hear that now. Kitty: No, I do. I do. I really do. I am finished with mystery and I want full disclosure. Seth: Okay, um, Well, uh... Kitty: Oh, my God. Do you have a girlfriend? Are you dating somebody else? Seth: You know Dean Whitley? Kitty: You're dating Dean Whitley? Seth: No. Uhhhh, no, no. uh... She... she's my mom. Kitty: Sh, sh, she's my boss. She's your mother? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Seth, why didn't you tell me this before? Seth: I tried. Kitty: Why didn't you try harder? Oh, my God. Seth: Because I was afraid. I... I was afraid that I was gonna lose you. Kitty: Ah.... Seth: Have I lost you? Saul: So amidst all this abundance of holly and Ivy, I... I just wanted to remind my beloved family of our Jewish blood that flows through all of our veins. And I know Hanukkah has passed, and we've lit all the candles, and, uh, I just wanted to share a little blessing that's offered in celebration of new beginnings. [Jewish blessing] ♪ River ♪ by Angus Stone ♪ Listen Saul: Which is to say, "blessed art thou, king of the universe, who has given us life, who has sustained us, who has enabled us to reach this day." Kitty: Amen. Scotty: Amen. Nora: Amen.