Season 5 Episode 9

Get a Room First Aired: 05/Dec/2010

<< S5E8 S5E10 >>

Kitty: Hi, Kevin. Kevin: When you were trying to adopt, how much weight did you gain? Kitty: Please tell me you're not emotionally eating. Kevin: Well, that depends if you think a cannoli, two bear claws, and a lindzer torte constitutes breakfast. Kitty: You guys are shoe-ins. The social worker is going to love you. Kevin: Well, what if she hates us? One bad impression is all it takes. Everything has to be perfect. Kitty: You and Scotty are a foster adoption dream team. Kevin: I'm a nervous guy, okay? Okay, for a child... What if there's a flood? Kitty: Oh, my God. This barista is totally hitting on me. Kevin: Kit, I'm in the middle of a crisis here. Kitty: Oh, no, you're not, and besides, this is gonna take your mind off of it. Kevin: Oh, okay. What does he look like? Kitty: He's very cute in a genius bar kind of way. Kevin: Oh, a brownie. Hallelujah. Kitty: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He wrote his number on my coffee cup. What do I do? Kevin: That's Sarah. I gotta go. Bye. Kitty: Wait, Kevin? Kevin? Kevin: Hi, queen of all media. Sarah: I just saw mom making out with our on-air psychiatrist in the studio. Kevin: You gonna fire her? Sarah: No, I wouldn't have just cause. But it would be fun. Kevin: I can't believe you work with mom. Scotty: I don't. She's an employee of one radio station of five that I own. She's a very small ant in my kingdom. Now why did you call earlier? Kevin: I wanted to know good preschools in L.A... Just in case the social worker asks what we're thinking in terms of education. Sarah: You know, there is such a thing as being overly prepared. Now listen, I'm trying to get outta here. Luc's off to China tomorrow, so if you don't have anything else... Kevin: Oh, right. So what are the plans for tonight? Sarah: I'm gonna surprise Luc with something special. Kevin: Like what? Sarah: Well, if I tell you, it won't be a surprise for very long, will it? Kevin: I think this brownie was a little much. I better go. Sarah: The what? Nora: What? Sarah: What? Oh, nothing. Nora: Sarah, honey, I, I hope you're not upset about the... Sarah: Mom, you can kiss anyone you want at work, okay? I never let it stop me. Kevin: No, me neither. Nora: Oh, for God sake, Sarah. Would you please warn me when there are other people in the room? Kevin: Don't worry, mom. I have to go. Say good-bye to Luc for me, Sarah. Sarah: Okay, bye. Nora: Good luck today, honey. Sarah: Oh. Kevin: Bye. Scotty: Can we enjoy this? Foster adoption is supposed to be joyful. It's about starting a family. Kevin: Okay, but we have to control the variables. You know, strangers come into this restaurant every day. Scotty: Kevin, they're customers. Kevin: All right. But is that a safe environment for a child? I mean, what if there's a flood? Scotty: We're getting a visit from the social worker, not the FBI. Kevin: Oh, we need to get fingerprinted, too. Don't worry. The FBI is coming. Staff: Scotty, have you seen my bag? Scotty: Uh, no. Kevin? Kevin: No. Staff: It was a little brown bag with a brownie in it. Kevin: Oh. Oh, yeah. I ate it. Scotty: What? I saw it. I was hungry. It all happened so fast after that. I'll buy you a new one. Scotty: You can't, actually. Staff: Uh, my prescription's up. That was the last of my stash. Thanks a lot. Kevin: Prescription for what? Scotty: Medical marijuana. It's for his back. Scotty: How are you feeling? Kevin: I am so stoned right now. You have to help me. Scotty: Okay, Kevin, why don't you go lie down in the bedroom or something? Kevin: 'Cause the social worker's gonna be here any minute. Scotty: No, I told you. She's not coming until tomorrow. Kevin: People like me do not deserve children. I should be behind bars, Scotty. I'm gonna turn myself in. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've only been stoned ever once before in my life. I thought I should try pot before I went to college, so I bought a joint from Ozzie Archibald. It was as big as a cigar. Scotty: Okay, that's called a blunt. Kevin: I, I made sure no one was home, and then I went out to the yard and I smoked it. Scotty: You smoked the whole thing? Kevin: Half. I don't know. I buried the rest in Justin's old sandbox, just in case the police found it. Then I locked myself in my room, read an old Spanish textbook, 'cause I thought if I could just focus on something, anything... Then mom came home... I'm starting to freak out again. Scotty: Okay, Kevin, breathe. Come sit down. Kevin: She needed help with the groceries, so I had to go back into the kitchen, and she just looked like a giant piñata floating above me... Scotty: Really? Kevin: And then she started speaking in Spanish. Scotty: Really? Kevin: Yeah. Scotty: There must have been something else in that joint. Kevin: Well, I don't know. I don't do drugs. I have to find Sarah. Scotty: Sarah? Kevin: Yeah. Sarah. Scotty: Wh... Sarah? Kevin: When Sarah came back, she immediately saw how baked I was, and she managed to get me from paranoid schizophrenic into groggy, stupid, and hungry. Scotty: Okay, well, wh, what did she do? Kevin: I don't know. I have to call her. Scotty: You can't call Sarah. She's got some big extravaganza with Luc tonight. Kevin: Well, you're starting to speak in Spanish, so I don't have a choice. Luc: I wasn't expecting a honeymoon until after we were married. Sarah: Call it a sneak preview. Luc: Oh! Sarah: Oh, God. I'm so... Oh... Luc: Gosh. Oh! Sarah: Luc, I'm so sorry. Luc: It's okay. It's okay. Sarah: Let me get some ice. Luc: Yeah. Sarah: Oh. I'll get you a towel. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Luc: Oh. Hello. Hey, Kev. Ow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a surprise. No, we're fine. Yeah, at hotel Velone. Kevin? Hello? Weird. Uh, Kevin just hung up on me. Sarah: Please tell me that you didn't tell him where we were. Luc: Uh, so what if I did? Sarah: Well, then it would only be a matter of time before they come over. They'll wanna see the room. Gay people love this hotel. Luc: All right. Sarah: I'm sorry, babe. Luc: Ouch. I know you want tonight to be perfect, but no one is coming over here, not even your brother. Sarah: Yes, well, even so, I think we should have all cell phones off. Complete radio silence. Luc: Oh! Sarah: Oh! Honey, I am so sorry. Oh. Oh! Luc: Oh! Ay! Ay-yi-yi! Sarah: Oh, God. Oh, no. Luc: Ay! Sarah: Ah. Oh, ow. Let me see. It's bleeding. Luc: Ah. Gosh. If this is a sneak preview, I can only imagine what a real honeymoon is gonna be like. Luc: Hello. Scotty: Luc. Hi, um, it's Scotty. We're kind of downstairs in the lobby. Kevin: They make me feel better. I wanna hold one. Scotty: He really needs to see Sarah. Yes. Thank you. Okay. We'll be up in two minutes. Bye. Okay, let's go. Sarah: Oh, my God. I gotta call mom. I just ran into Karl West downstairs checking in, ordering strawberries. Scotty: Sarah. Sarah: Scotty. What the hell are you doing here? Scotty: I'm so sorry. I know we're intruding. But I didn't know where else we could go. Sarah: "We"? Scotty: Yeah. Luc: Kevin is in the bathroom. Sarah: Oh, no. Scotty: He ate a pot brownie. Sarah: Oh, God. Kevin: It was an accident. Sarah: All right, Kevin. Come out here. Kevin: I'm so sorry. It's just, last time this happened, you somehow helped me get through it. Sarah: Are people speaking Spanish? Kevin: Si, un poquito. Sarah: Oh, God. Luc: I thought we should help. Kevin: I'm so pathetic. I'm so sorry. Look, I know you can't help me. I have to find my own way home. Sarah: No, Kevin. Lie down. Kevin: Okay. Sarah: We'll get you some coffee or something, okay? Scotty: Yeah. Oh, coffee. Is that what you did last time? Sarah: I don't remember, but his problems are way more serious than that right now. The police are outside. Kevin: No, they're not. Sarah: Yes, they are. I passed them on the way up... A whole S.W.A.T. team headed this way. Kevin: That's ridiculous. Sarah: Hotels have dogs to catch people like you, Kevin. Kevin: What am I supposed to do?! Sarah: You gotta pull it together. What's your birthday? Kevin: Uh, April 18, 1971. Sarah: Mother's maiden name? Kevin: Holden. Sarah: Last 4 of your social? Kevin: 5-3-5-2. Sarah: Is that right? Kevin: I'm not sure. Sarah: Kevin? Kevin: Yeah, it's right. Sarah: Yes? Good. You feel better now? Kevin: Yeah. A, a little. Maybe. I guess. Sarah: Good. That's what I did last time. I just scared the crap out of him. Something about the adrenaline shot. Scotty: Mm. Sarah: I gotta call mom. Luc: Hey, Sarah, don't get involved. Kevin: What's going on with mom? Sarah: Karl just checked in to the hotel for an afternoon romp. Kevin: Oh, with mom? Wait. She's here? Oh, my God. I'm freaking out again. Sarah: No, not with mom. See? That's the point. Kevin: What's the point? Sarah: Dr. Karl... That's who I should call. I should call Dr. Karl. Luc: Don't get involved with your mother's romantic relationship. Sarah: I'm not gonna let this guy break her heart. Luc: You don't even know what's going on. Sarah: You didn't see him. He was like a deer in the headlights. Kevin doesn't even look as guilty as this guy. Luc: Sarah, I'm warning you. Sarah: Why don't you two take Mr. Hemphead for a walk, sober him up? Luc: And what about our romantic evening? Sarah: It'll happen. Kevin: Stop fighting. Scotty: Okay, sweetheart. Come on. Let's go. Let's get up. Luc: I, I'll take care of them. Do what you need to do. Sarah: Don't pet the dogs, Kevin. Nora: Kitty's here, too? Kevin: I'm feel... Mom? Sarah: We're all here. Nora: Oh, God. I should just jump. What floor are we on? Sarah: Uh, eight. Nora: That ought to do it. Kevin: God, I love pizza. Kitty: Me gusta pizza, tambien. Kevin: Don't do that! Kitty: I'm kidding. Scotty: I'm sorry. I just... Kevin: That's not funny. Kitty: Oh! How the hell did this happen to you? Kevin: It was an accident. Scotty: Well, it wouldn't have happened if you weren't stuffing food down your throat this morning. Kevin: I was nervous. Scotty: Kevin, there's nothing to be nervous about. Kitty: Kevin, the state of California is not going to turn you down. Do you know how many needy kids there are... Kevin: Well, maybe that's why I'm freaking out, because this is finally going to happen. Scotty: Oh, my God. I can't win with you. You're nervous we won't get a kid. You're nervous we will get a kid. Kevin: I'm a nervous guy, okay? Scotty: Okay. Kitty: Okay, okay. Scotty: Could we order more pizza? Kitty: Oh, I didn't even order it, actually. Seth went out to get more... Pizza. Kevin: Why did you send him home anyway? Kitty: He neglected to tell me that he's a student at Wexley. Scotty: Oh, are you dating one of your students? Kitty: No. Kevin: It's not illegal to date a student so long as he's not your student. Kitty: I'm a republican. I'm a conservative. And according to Dean Whitley, I'm a living testament to family values. Kevin: You know what I think? I think you can feel whatever you want. So stop worrying about whether conservative women should sleep with 20 year olds... Kitty: 27. Kevin: Or what the dean of family values thinks of you. Live. Kitty: Wow. Kevin: Yeah. I think I'm finally sober. Scotty: Mm. It's the social worker. Hello. Yes. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Is it... is it serious? Kevin: What? Scotty: Oh, of cour... Yeah. No problem. Kevin: What? Scotty: Bye. Kevin: What? Scotty: Social worker has to reschedule. Apparently her kid's really sick. Kevin: After all that buildup? Scotty: Yeah. Guess I should go back to work. ♪ Just Breathe ♪ by Pearl Jam ♪ Listen Kevin: Wait. You know... We haven't had much time lately for just us. Scotty: That's true. Kevin: And it hasn't been the easiest couple of months. Scotty: No. Kevin: Right. So why don't you and I check into a hotel room? Scotty: No, not... Kevin: No, it could be like a little second honeymoon. Scotty: We'd have to put some serious distance between us and your family. Kevin: Is Nepal far enough? Scotty: No. But Vegas might be. I could call my sous chef and she could cover for me. If we leave now... we could be hours away before they even know we're gone. Kevin: Call her. Scotty: Really? Kevin: Yeah. Let's go. Scotty: Okay. Kevin: I have a great idea of what we're gonna do.