Season 5 Episode 11

Scandalized First Aired: 02/Jan/2011

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Jill: It's important to be... Audience: Realistic. Jill: Realistic, that's right. The foster system isn't perfect. It's important to be honest about what types of cases you're willing to take on. Now today, I'd like to get started with everyone's favorite... role-playing. Any volunteers? Kevin: Oh. No, I don't want to. Jill: Um, Scotty, Kevin, come on up. Kevin: Great. Why do you always do this to us? I'm still traumatized from the diaper Olympics. Jill: Okay, now have a seat in our living room. And this is your son. Scotty: Oh, great. We'll call him Vinny. Kevin: Vinny? Scotty: There was a, uh, "Jersey Shore" marathon on last night. Jill: Vinny's a nice name. Okay. I'm gonna be playing myself. Ready? Knock, knock. Scotty: Oh, hello, Jill. Jill: Mr. and Mr. Walker, I regret to inform you that Vinny's mom has decided to reclaim her parental rights to her son. Scotty: Well, that's ridiculous. We've had Vinny for over a month now, and she just wants him back? Kevin: Scotty, the law clearly states, the birth mother has days to change her mind, so we have no choice. Scotty: Kevin, he's our son. Kevin: I think what Jill wants to see here is our ability to handle whatever comes our way, including this. So why don't you give Vinny to me? Scotty: No, I'm sorry. This is wrong. Kevin: It's a doll, Scotty. Come on. Jill: Oh, Kevin, please, stay in character. Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: Okay. Jill: Would you guys like to say your good-byes now? Scotty: Isn't there anything else we can do? Jill: I'm afraid there isn't. Scotty: Okay, Mr. Practical, you handle it. Kevin: I'm, um... I'm sorry it didn't work out, Vinny. Good-bye. Scotty: Oh... Kevin: Oh, okay. All right, you little monkey, papa Scotty and I, we... we love you very much, but your mom has changed her mind and wants you back. So... as much as it breaks our hearts to say this, we have to let you go. You'll never know how much we wanted to keep you. Make sure she's good to him. Wow. Does everyone cry or just the gay dads? Kitty: Oh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is Kevin. He's texting me. "The skinny minnie web site... picked up the story, and there's a picture." Seth: What? Kitty: Oh, no. Seth: What? Kitty: You look like you're 16 in that picture. Seth: Uh, that's because I am 16 in that picture. This is my high school yearbook photo. Kitty: Shut up. Nora: Why doesn't she call? Kevin: Because she's probably too busy reading this. "Kitty Walker McCallister and son of Dean in sex scandal." Nora: Where are you reading this crap? Kevin: The online political rags. They're calling Seth her "Boy toy barista." Nora: Oh, my God. It's completely absurd. I mean, Kitty is... is not even a politician anymore. Kevin: I know. I can't believe the attention she's getting either. She's even trending on Twitter. It's like the good ol' days. Oh, wow. Look at this picture of him. He looks like the sixth member of 'Nsync. Nora: Aw. Kevin: Oh, crap-o. "After robbing the Dean's cradle, Kitty M... or should I say Cougar Walker McCallister, has been teaching at Wexley University for the past month"... Nora: Stop. Stop. You're practically salivating, reading all this trash. Kevin: Sorry. Guess I didn't realize how much I miss political scandal. Nora: Oh, I have something for you. Here. This is your letter of recommendation. Kevin: Oh. Nora: Give it to your social worker. I hope you're a better father than you are a brother. Kevin: Ouch. Nora: Yeah. Is that Kitty? Kevin: "O.M.G. O.M.G. Paparazzi at my house." Nora: Paparazzi? My God. The world has gone mad. Kevin: "Have you talked to mom yet?" Nora: Give me the phone. Kevin: No, it takes you, like, five minutes to type "hello." I'm with mom right now. Sending all our support and love... and acne cream. Nora: Kevin. What did she say? Kevin: "Screw you, Kevin." Nora: A-ha. Tell her this is completely ridiculous. She is allowed to date whomever she wants. Type it. Go. Type it. Kevin: Okay. Nora: And besides that, you know, Seth is really a nice boy..... Man. What? What does she say? Kevin: "Can I come to mom's tonight? Safer there." Nora: Yes. Tell her yes, yes. Karl is coming, too, but he's just gonna have to deal with it. Tell her to bring Seth. Kevin: Well, now I want to come, too. Nora: No. Kevin: Why? Nora: Absolutely not. You'll spend the whole evening making fun of her. Kevin: I won't. Nora: What does she say? Kevin: "Ask mom if you can come, too." Nora: Oh, all right. Everybody can come. Kevin: Great. Um... Karl does like us, right? Nora: Yes. Yes. He likes you very much. Kevin: Good. Nora: In moderation. Kevin: Oh. Uh-oh. Nora: Look, would you do me a favor and please be on your best behavior tonight? He... he never had a family before. Kevin: So you're gonna start him off on ours? Nora: It's the only one I've got. Kevin: Well, tell him to drink more. Nora: Look, Karl is a wonderful, highly intelligent man. All right. Okay. He... he's a little stiff. But he... h... he wants to try to change. Kevin: Well, then tonight should be fun. Nora: Yeah. Kevin: Ooh. "Later. I'm off to see the Dean." Nora: What are you writing? Kevin: Have fun in detention. Jill: Everything seems to be in order. Excellent letters of recommendation. You indicated here in your preferences that you'd be willing to consider any case, regardless of gender, race, or age? Kevin: That's right. When we started this, we were working with a surrogate, and, um... I don't know if it's because that didn't work out, but we're more interested in being parents rather than passing on our genes. Jill: You're doing a great thing. Okay, I know this is quick, but there's an adoption fair tomorrow, if you guys are interested. Scotty: Uh, what's that? Jill: It's an event where potential parents can meet and interact with children who are looking to be placed into families. There are 30,000 kids in foster care here in L.A. I'll give you two a minute to talk. Just let me know. Kevin: Thank you. Scotty: What?You... you look nervous. Kevin: No, no, no, no. I'm excited. It's just, I... I don't know. I thought... I guess I expected we'd be getting a phone call and a placement. But n... now, what, we have to meet a bunch of kids and figure it out? Scotty: Well, I mean, you heard what Jill said. 30,000 kids. Kevin: Exactly, so how do we choose the right one? Nora: Karl had the most wonderful book signing today. It was like Robert Redford came to town. Seth: Oh, which one's Robert Redford? Karl: Oh, Butch Cassidy, Sundance Kid. Kevin: "The Way We Were," Barbra Streisand. Don't tell me you don't know who Barbra Streisand is. Kitty: Uh, news flash. He's straight, Kevin. Seth: No, no, no, um, "The Way We Were," right. My mom, uh, my mom loves Barbra Streisand. Kevin: Oh. How's she doing, your mother? Seth: Oh, she's not happy. Kitty: Oh, she was actually quite lovely. Kevin: Which one is it? Nora: Karl, you like Barbra Streisand, too, don't you? Karl: Yes. Scotty: Karl, what's your book called? Karl: "The Empowered Unconscious." Nora: Oh. It's about using your past to really guide you... Karl: I'm sure they're not interested in my little self-help book, Nora. Nora: Self-help? No, I would write a self-help book. But it's quite brilliant, and filled with these wonderful little... Karl: Uh, this chicken is delicious. Nora: Thank you. Kitty: Mom can make roast chicken like peanut butter and jelly. She can do it in her sleep. Seth: Well, uh, I've been having a lot of pb&js these days, and let me tell you, this is a lot better. Kitty: Well, Seth, you can come over anytime. Nora: I would be delighted to make you... Kitty: No, no, mom. Mom, he's just... he's just joking. He doesn't have that many pb&js. He eats a lot of food. He likes a lot of food. He likes, um, you like sushi, right? Seth: Um, yeah, yeah. I... I like sushi. Um, it's expensive, so I can't, uh... Kitty: How is the adoption going, guys? Kevin: Fine. Scotty: It's great. Well, actually, we are thinking about going to an adoption fair tomorrow. Nora: What's an adoption fair? Kevin: Why don't you tell 'em, Scotty? Scotty: Well, uh, it's a fair where prospective parents get to meet with kids that need homes. Kevin: Yeah, about 20, descending on you at the same time, because that makes it so much easier to bond with... Scotty: Stop being so dramatic. Kevin: I'm not. I'm sorry. I just find the whole thing weird. And I can't imagine how it feels for them. They must feel like they're being sold, like puppies in a window. Nora: Kevin, there's no need to shout. Kevin: I'm not shouting. Nora: Karl, have you ever done any studies about foster adoptions? Karl: Mnh-mnh. Kevin: Well, maybe you could do one on the children who don't get picked. I'm sure that would be a happy ending. Scotty: Kevin, it's a way for people like us to get introduced to kids that are stuck in the system. Come on. Nora: Let's... let's just talk about something else. Would anyone like some more chicken? Kitty: Oh, God, no. Kevin: No, thanks. Seth: Yeah. I'd love some. Nora: Finally. Someone with an appetite. Kevin: Well, he has been living on pb&js, mom. Kitty: He has not been living on pb&js, Kevin. Seth: Well, you know, that and ramen noodles, right? Uh, I'm... I'm kidding. Scotty: My parents live near Phoenix. Seth: Hmm? Scotty: Your... Seth: Oh. Uh, no. It's, um, it's a band. Kitty didn't know either. Kitty: No, Kitty didn't know either. Nora: Well, you both have very different cultural references. Kitty: Mom, he's not in high school. Kevin: Not according to the bloggers. Kitty: All right. You know what, Kevin? Fine. You've been waiting all night. Let the jokes begin. Kevin: Seth, I swear, she invited me tonight. Nora: Kevin. Kevin: What? Karl: You know, this has been a lovely dinner. But it's getting late, so... Nora: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't leave. I made a pie. Kitty: Pie. Kevin: Great. Karl: Right. Well, I should probably stay for some pie, then. Nora: So would anyone like some more pie? Karl: Mnh-mnh. Kitty: Oh, mnh-mnh. Scotty: No, thanks. Seth: I'd love some. Kevin: Well, good. You know, we could put some in tupperware and you could take it home if you want. Kitty: You know, Kevin, just because you always have to diet doesn't mean that you should make fun of people who have a higher metabolism than you do. Nora: Children. Kitty, Kevin: Children? Scotty: Karl, do you have any children? Karl: No. Nora: So, Seth... How is school? Kitty: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, he's not just in school, mom. He... he's a writer. Seth: Yeah, I'm working on a novel, uh, right now. Kitty: And he's also working on some short stories. Karl: Oh, have you been published, Seth? Seth: No, I... Kitty: Well, no, no, he hasn't been published. I mean, let's talk about it. How hard is it to get published in this day and age? Seth: Well, you did it, Karl did it, so... Kitty: Well, yes, Karl, but he's... Seth: He's older and more established. You know, you don't have to make excuses for me. Kitty: I'm not making excuses for you. Seth: You've been answering questions for me all night long. A... are you afraid that I'm gonna embarrass you or... Kitty: Well, not until now. Seth: Have you ever even read the short story that I gave you weeks ago, huh? Kitty: No. Seth: That's what I thought. Unbelievable. Karl: Well, as I said before, I think it's time for me to go. Nora: No, no, no, Karl, sit down. Sit down. Sit down. We have talked enough about other people's problems. Let's... let's talk about your book. I know sometimes you have to shout to be heard around here. Karl: Well, you know, the problem is, is I don't want to shout. Frankly, this entire meal feels like a group therapy session to me, and usually those come in 50-minute increments. Nora: You said you wanted to get to know my children. You said you were a control freak... Karl: Oh, for God sake, Nora. I told you that in confidence, not so you could broadcast it to an entire room full of... Nora: A room of... of what, strangers? Karl, these are not strangers. Karl: I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now, so... good night. Kevin: They're all so cute. Why are they so cute? Scotty: Kevin, you said if you came, you would just try to be... Kevin: I... I know. Okay, okay. But it's just... I don't know where to begin. Scotty: Well, we'll just be ourselves. Remember what Jill said. See who we connect with. Kevin: Connect with? What, is this speed dating? I'm sorry, Scotty. I don't think I can do this. Scotty: Kev... Olivia: Hey, are you guys here for the fair? Scotty: Yeah. Olivia: Cool. I'm Olivia. And I can show you around if you want. Scotty: Oh, that would... that'd be great. Um, I'm Scotty, and this is my husband Kevin. Olivia: No way. You guys are gay? Kidding. So here's the deal... a couple of the younger kids, they're really shy when it comes to these events. So, like, I was thinking, maybe it would be okay if I introduce you to them. Scotty: That'd be great. Kevin: Yeah. That would be great. Olivia: Nice. Come on. Scotty: Oh. Kevin: Oh, wow. Jill: Well, if there's somebody that you made a connection with, you can fill out the child's name on this list. It's a preferential. You rank the kids in order of the top five that you're interested in, and we have them do the same, and if there's a match, then we'll take it from there. Scotty: Wow. It's... it's like a fraternity rush. Jill: Take your time. Kevin: Thank you. Scotty: Thanks. Kevin: So this is it? Scotty: I don't know how we're supposed to choose. Olivia: Are you guys leaving? Kevin: Yeah. Olivia: Cool. I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you guys. Kevin: Oh, thank you. That's so sweet. Olivia: Okay. Bye. Kevin: Bye. Scotty: Bye. Kevin: I think she just chose us.