Season 5 Episode 15

Brody First Aired: 20/Feb/2011

Paige: Are you busy? Kevin: Yeah. No. I mean, I have, uh, time. Come... come in. Why aren't you at school? Paige: Swim meet, and my car pool's waiting for me, and I'm really late. But I have a huge favor to ask you. Uh, I have this project for health class. This is my pretend baby. Kevin: Yeah, I've heard about this. You lug a 5-pound sack of flour around like it's a baby, and after a while, it annoys you so much, you never, ever want to get knocked up before marriage. Paige: I think they're actually hoping I'll never, ever have sex. Kevin: Right. So is it a boy or a girl? Paige: Boy. Kevin: How can you tell? Paige: Uh, we all picked the genders out of a hat. Kevin: Well, then we should give him a name. Paige: Joaquin Winter Whedon. Uh, I even made a birth certificate for him and everything. Kevin: Hello, Joaquin. That's a nice name. Paige: He's from Paraguay. Kevin: How did that happen? Paige: I was in the pretend peace corps. Kevin: Romantic. Paige: Yeah, but now I'm a single mom, and it's getting really hard. Kevin: You have to get really detailed about this, huh? Paige: Yeah. I have to go. Um, mom said that maybe you could drive Joaquin over to her office. She promised to babysit, and then forgot to take him with her this morning. And now I'm late, and I don't have child care. Kevin: What do I do? Paige: Just write in this little baby journal when you change him and pretend feed him and stuff. And it's really important to keep him on a schedule, okay? Kevin: It'll be great practice for when I have to look after Olivia 24/7. Paige: Yeah. Um, I have to go. Thank you so much, Uncle Kevin. Kevin: Hmm-hmm. That's great Uncle Kevin to you. Kevin: Abuela, did you miss me? Sarah: Very cute. Now take it off. Kevin: What, why? Look, I stuffed the little arms and the hoodie with tissue. Sarah: Paige is way too invested in that baby already. Kevin: What's the point of having a fake baby around the house if you can't dress it up? Sarah: What's the point of having a fake baby that doesn't poop, spit up, or cry all night? If all these kids do is carry them around... and dress them in their little hoodies, what kind of disincentive is that? And why do I have to babysit it? Kevin: Aren't you the grumpy grandma? I think you should cut Paige a break. She worked really hard building that water treatment plant in Paraguay. So I turned on mom's show in the car on the way over. You would not believe the pervs calling in. Sarah: Don't sneeze at my pervs. They're very good for ratings. Brody: Ah, she was always a good sport. I don't think she had ever let me down. I haven't seen her over fourty years. But I think she still.... Sarah: Oh, my God. Kevin: What? ... Nora: Fourty years. So, are you sure she is still.... Sarah: Shhhhh Kevin: What? Brody: A little birdie told me she still talks about me a lot. Sarah: Oh, God. Why is he calling her? He's not supposed to be calling her. Kevin: Tell me that is not Brody... And please tell me you're not the little birdie. Sarah: I'd recognize his voice anywhere. Tommy: Sarah... Oh, Kev. Perfect timing. Rose made these. You'll eat 'em. Sarah: Eat rose's cookie, Kevin. Kevin: What, you think I'm gonna let this slide? Sarah: Kev... Kevin: Remember after her little meltdown, she said she was gonna drop the whole Brody issue? Tommy: Yeah. Kevin: She didn't. She tracked him down. Tommy: Whoa. You met him? Kevin: Yes. Sarah: Well, after my brothers blew me off, I had to go find him for myself. He's the manager of a semi-pro baseball team in Modesto. We... we talked briefly. Kevin: And? Sarah: And he confirmed that he's not my dad. That's all. It was no big deal. Kevin: Well, it's a big deal now. Dr. Milton: Are you fantasizing about fiding passion with your old lover again? Sarah: No. Brody: Passion was never our problem. Tommy: That's him? Kevin: Yeah. Sarah: How was I supposed to know he'd come sniffing around? Tommy: Does mom know that's him? Sarah: Maybe not. Brody: So what do you think? Should I call her? Or should I drop by and surprise her? Dr. Milton: How did things end with your lady? Brody: Uh, not great. She was dating me and another guy, and I kind of dropped the ball, so to speak. Kevin: Don't kid yourself. She knows. Tommy: This is perfect. Mom's gonna get mad at you and rose again, and rose is gonna freak out, she's gonna get mad at me, and then I'm gonna have to run around and try to smooth things over. Kevin: Shh. Tommy: I don't know what my job title is here, but it's starting to feel a lot like referee. Sarah: Wait. We can talk about this later. But right now, mom is going off the air in five minutes, and we need to have a plan, because I cannot get into this again with her. Tommy: I'm not sticking around for this. I can't deal with you two anymore. Kevin: No way. Don't look at me. I'm an innocent bystander here. Sarah: Exactly. Mom's not gonna yell at you. Kevin, I really need you to stay here and smooth things over. Kevin: No way. Absolutely... Sarah. Sarah. Sarah! Look, no. You forgot Joaquin. Sarah: Mom? Kevin: No, it's me. Sarah: Oh, thank God. What are you doing here? Kevin: Someone forgot Joaquin. Sarah: Thank you so much. Kevin: You really are a crappy grandmother. Sarah: No, you're being too nice. I am a crappy daughter, a crappy sister, a crappy mother, and a crappy grandmother. Kevin: Yep. I suggest you go on a global apology tour, starting with me. Sarah: Why? What did I do to you? Kevin: You left me to clean up your mess with mom. Sarah: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. Do you forgive me? Kevin: No. Sarah: Whoever it is, I'm sorry. Justin: Well, save it for mom. She just called me, shrieking that you were talking trash about her to that Brody guy. Sarah, I thought you were letting that go. Sarah: I am. I am letting it go. Okay? Let's just drop it right now. Justin: Well, mom's not dropping it. She's really upset. Sarah: She's overreact... Listen, okay. I will call her. I will calm her down, okay? Kevin: Hi, mom. Sarah: Justin, I gotta go. Justin: Sarah... Nora: Did you find her? Kevin: No, I didn't find her. Nora: Tommy's not answering his phone either. Why did he run off like that? Kevin: Well, Tommy isn't exactly ecstatic about things. Nora: What things? Kevin: Job things. Nora: You know, Sarah is being way too hard on him. That's another thing I want to talk to her about. Sarah: No! Nora: Tell her that I'm looking for her, all right? Oh, for God sakes! Kevin: What's all that honking? What's all that honking? Nora: Some horse's patoot and his hideous, gas-guzzling motor home is practically blocking my driveway. Jeez. What is wrong with people? Sarah: What'd she say? Kevin: I think she's having road rage. Nora: That anyone would just do this... You're not allowed to in this area. Aah! Kevin: Mom, is everything all right? Nora: Oh, God. There's a big dog running loose. Oh, Jeez. For God sakes. Hello! Hello! You know what? You're gonna have to move this monstrosity. Kevin: Mom, what is it? Nora: Oh, my God. Kevin: What? Nora: It's him. Kevin: Who? Nora: He's here. Kevin: Who? Nora: He's been here all along. Kevin: Brody? Uh-oh... Sarah: What? Kevin: You are so dead. Brody: Hey, slugger. Kevin: Hi. Hi. I'm Kevin. Brody: Uh, Nick Brody. Nice meeting you. Kevin: Nice to meet you. And who are you? Brody: That's Lily. Kevin: She's so sweet. How old is she? Brody: 14. Kevin: She doesn't look 14. I miss having a dog. We used to have one when we were kids... Bingo. But he got hit by a car. Brody: Ooh. Kevin: Dad refused to ever let us get another one. Nora: What? That's just not true. Your father was brokenhearted when we lost Bingo. He just didn't feel emotionally up to being able to do that again. Kevin: Well, that didn't keep him from getting a little toy poodle for Holly. Brody: Is holly one of your kids? Kevin: Ha! Nora: No. Um, no. She was an old maiden aunt of William's. He... he loved very much. Kevin: Oh, yeah. I'll say. Brody: Why do I-I feel that there's more to this story? Nora: Well, there's not. She's dead. That's the end of that. And, uh, I hate to break this up, but I have an appointment. Kevin: What do you mean? I only just got here. Brody: Well, it was great meeting you. Maybe I'll see you tonight. Nora: Don't you want to get on the road? You don't want to get stuck in rush-hour traffic. Brody: My engine's been a little balky, so I'm gonna change the plugs and tighten the belts, and... I promise not to spill any oil on your pretty Pasadena street, Nora. Come on, Lil. Kevin: See you later. Brody: Yep. Kevin: I like him. Nora: You don't like him. You just like watching me squirm. Kevin: Well, I am a little surprised with the Saint William pretense. Nora: Shhhh. It's none of his business. I don't want him standing around here, judging me. Kevin: Well, how long does it take to tighten his plugs and change his belts? Nora: If I know Brody, it takes as long as he wants it to take. Kevin: Do you really have an appointment? Nora: No, I don't have an appointment. Kevin: Look, believe me, I get it. But there has to be some alternative to moving back to Seattle, right? I mean, at least give it a chance here. Tommy: Well, Sarah called me with some great project that's supposed to turn my life around. Kevin: That's good, right? Tommy: I don't know. I guess if it keeps the peace, maybe I'll do it. Kevin: I know you don't want to hear this, but it wouldn't hurt if you went over there and allayed mom's fears a little. She's already wigging out that Brody parked his R.V. In her driveway. Tommy: I hope that's not a euphemism. Kevin: Oh, no. I don't think there's any chance of that happening. If the R.V.'s rocking, it's 'cause mom's trying to blow it up. Tommy: Well, I have to go there tomorrow and return Joaquin to Sarah. Kevin: You've met Joaquin? Tommy: Yeah. He's out in my car. Kevin: By himself? Tommy: Well... he was sleeping so soundly, I didn't want to wake him up. Paige: Mom, This isn't my baby. Sarah: Uh-oh. Paige: What is going on? I can't believe you did this. Sarah: Paige, stop shouting. Luc and Cooper are still asleep. Paige: Did you really think you could fool me with this off-brand baby? Sarah: Look, I got in late. I didn't want to wake you and have you worrying, so I just... I got that one out of the pantry. Paige: Where is Joaquin? Sarah: At grandma's, I think. Paige: Wait. You think? Sarah: I know. He is. He's fine. Paige: Did you even feed him last night? Sarah: Paige, he's fine. It's not even 7:00. He's probably still asleep. Paige: Mom, this is serious. Sarah: Sweetheart, I had the most horrible day yesterday. Everything I did was wrong. If I could write in the mirror backwards, I would scrawl, "I'm sorry" on my forehead with a sharpie just to save time. Listen, we'll... we'll go over later to grandma's and we'll feed him together, okay? Paige: I have a soccer tournament in an hour, and you're driving the car pool. Sarah: Oh, God. I completely forgot. Okay. You go upstairs, get dressed, and we'll just... We'll use this bag as joaquin's stand-in until we pick him up later. Paige: That's cheating. Sarah: Oh, come on, Paige. This baby's white, all-purpose, weighs 5 pounds. Hmm. That's all that matters. Paige: F.Y.I., mom, as if you cared, Joaquin is whole-wheat. Sarah: Okay, mom, I need you to fill in joaquin's baby book. 4:00 P.M., fed bottle, 6:00 P.M., changed diaper, 8:00 P.M., went to sleep, in your handwriting. Nora: You know what? Isn't this cheating? Sarah: No, quick, before Paige comes back. Nora: Oh, for God sakes. Justin: You know, stop. Get your own, Sarah. This... that's my plate. Make yourself one. Sarah: Oh, mom. These muffins are really good. Nora: I didn't make them. Brody did. Justin: I knew I loved that guy. Sarah: He is a really good cook. Nora: Oh, for goodness sakes. Oh, here. Paige: Mom, I really want a dog. Sarah: So was your walk nice? Brody: Very successful. Paige: Mom, I'm serious about a dog. Sarah: Considering our record with the fake baby, I'm not sure we're really ready for a live animal. Paige: Don't call him a fake baby. His name's Joaquin. Sarah: Sorry. Justin: Why do you have a fake baby named Joaquin? Paige: A school project. Justin: Oh. Nora: What happened to you making an offer... Rose: I spent all afternoon trying to talk him out of it. Tommy: S-stop. Stop. Look, I've already made up my mind. I'd really appreciate some support. Paige: Aah! Sarah: Paige, are you okay? Paige: Who did this? Sarah: Oh, God. You gave me a heart attack. Nora: The muffins. Oh, God. Brody... Brody must have... Paige: Oh, my God. I ate one. Justin: What's wrong with the muffins? Sarah: Listen, honey, you know, I can fix this thing. But we're just in the middle of something here. Paige: You can't fix this. You ruined it. Justin: Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on with the muffins? I had four of 'em. Sarah: Justin, could you just go talk to Paige? She'll explain everything. Please. Justin: She... she's gonna explain the muffins? Sarah: Yes, just... Nora: Sarah, if you hadn't stuck your nose in where it didn't belong, none of this would have happened. Sarah: Oh, my God. Here we go. It's all my fault. Except let's not forget, mom, that this whole thing happened because you lied about your wedding date to hide the fact that you were knocked up when you were 19 and unmarried. Justin: Sarah. Nora: Oh, God. Paige: Grandma, you got pregnant? Nora: Sweetheart, l-listen, listen... Sarah: Hey... Nora: Oh. Sarah: Paige. Nora: Paige, listen, things were very different back then. Paige: So do you wish you'd used birth control? Nora: Well... Um... Sarah: I can't help you there. Nora: Well, you know, that's hard to answer, because I gave birth to your mother, and I love your mother very much. So you see, it all turned out beautifully. Paige: So then you're glad you got pregnant. Sarah: Listen, Paige, I'm sure it's been a shock to find out that your grandmother was an unwed, pregnant teen. But this is just not a situation that we expect to find you in. You have so many opportunities. You're a smart girl. We've talked about this so many times. Perhaps we shouldn't dwell on any mistakes that grandma might have made. Nora: Why, thank you, Sarah. And I think Paige realizes that sometimes, people make mistakes. Paige: Well, just so you guys know, I'm not even gonna think about having a family until I've finished with college and graduate school... Mm-hmm. And... and I have a career. Nora: Well, honey, you don't want to wait too long. Sometimes, as you get older, fertility problems can creep... Sarah: Mom. Mnh-mnh. Nora: You know what? Paige is going to do whatever is right for her. Paige: Great. Then can I go finish my homework now? Sarah: Sure, honey. Take your tea. Paige: Okay. Bye. Love you, grandma. Nora: Love you. Sarah: I am sorry, mom. I-I never meant for her to hear all that. I just... I blurted it out. I was so mad at you. Nora: It's all right, Sarah. Sarah: Is there anyone else I'm supposed to apologize to? Nora: Joaquin, maybe. Sarah: Oh, yeah. I feel bad about him. Justin: Yeah, we're gonna drive down all the time for games. And we should get one of those big land yacht things that Brody has, and we can park it out in front of mom's when we're not using it. Kevin: Say good-bye to her yet? Tommy: Yeah. She's, uh, still pretty miffed, but she tried to put on a good face. Kevin: Where'd you get these muffins? They're amazing. Justin: Uh, Brody made 'em. I got, like, a dozen of 'em. Tommy: Yeah, nobody else wanted any when they found out the main ingredient was powdered Joaquin. Kevin: This is Joaquin? Justin: Uh, yeah. What's the big deal? Kevin: You had to know him, I guess. Justin: Uh, fine. More for me. Tommy: Yeah, and me. Can you put a few in a bag? Justin: Mm-hmm. Tommy: Hey, look, we're gonna go say good-bye to Sarah. You want to come with? Justin: Uh, no. No, actually, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so I'm gonna crash out for a few hours. Kevin: All for a good cause. Justin: Seems like a lost cause. Justin: All right. I'm gonna pack this up for you, and I'll walk you out. All right. Hey, you know, uh, Brody's leaving today, too. I hate to say it, it's sad, but I'm gonna miss him. Kevin: Justin. Justin: Yep. Zach. Oh, my God. Come in, come in. These are my brothers. This is Tommy. This is Kevin. This is Zach. Kevin: Hey. Zack: Hey. Is this a bad time? Justin: No, no, not at all. Come on in. Uh, you're just in time for chow. Tommy: Hey, look, we're gonna go, man. Justin: Yeah. Sure. All right. Kevin: Good to see you. Tommy: All right. Justin: Tommy. Here you go.