Season 4 Episode 8

The Wine Festival First Aired: 15/Nov/2009

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Scotty: I can't believe we're picking the mother of our child online. I've never even hooked up with anyone online. Kevin: Really? No, me neither. Scotty: Hmmm. Kevin: Once. Scotty: Right. Okay, ready to meet her? Kevin: Ready. Three, two, one. Scotty: Oh, my God. Kevin: Oh, wow. There's so many. Scotty: Hundred and thirty-eight women vying for our sperm. Kevin: They're gonna be menopausal by the time we get through them. Oh, look, we can whittle it down by checking some of those boxes. Try ethnicity. Scotty: Oh, I thought we didn't care. Kevin: We don't. Uh, eye color? Blue. Scotty: Wait, you just said you didn't care about ethnicity. Kevin: Good point. Scotty: But if you feel passionately about... Kevin: No, no... I just thought we would, you know... It doesn't matter. Let's do height. It's well-documented that tall people have an easier time of it in life. Scotty: Great, 5'5" or taller. Here we go. Kevin: Wow. One hundred and seven. That's all right. We'll get through it. Scotty: How? Kevin: By going through each and every one of them. Scotty: Yeah, but what exactly are we looking for? I'm sure they all have their pros or cons. Kevin: The best one, Scotty. Scotty: Right. Scotty: What do we do with Diane? Five-foot-seven, 116 pounds, mixed race. Kevin: Oh, put her on the short list. Scotty: She's 5'7". Kevin: No, not short in height. Like, you know, top five. Top ten. Scotty: I, I, I know what you meant. Kevin: Could you pass the mint chip, please? Scotty: Uh... We finished it. Okay, we need to stop eating. We need to get out of this apartment. Kevin: We can't. We have another 76 to go. Oh, whoa, whoa, wait, look. Diane's never been on a team before. Scotty: So? Kevin: So, what if she's a genius with social issues? What good is it being the smartest kid on the playground if you have no friends? What are you doing? Scotty: I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I mean, this is weird. Most couples, they just do it and they get what they get. Kevin: Yeah, after marrying someone they've considered carefully. Scotty: You know what? In different circumstances, I would happily marry any one of these women. Kevin: I'm just trying to give our kid the most advantages possible. Scotty: Is this what it's gonna be like? Kevin: What? Scotty: When we have a child? When is good gonna be good enough? Kevin: Aww. Scotty: How many hours are you gonna make them practice piano? Do their multiplication tables? Kevin: What about you? They're gonna have a hard time writing their college essay. Are you just gonna say, "Oh, forget it. It's too hard. Let it go"? Scotty: Yeah, I'm getting some fresh air. Kevin: That's my point! You just walk away! Oh, can you at least bring back some mint chocolate chip? ♪ Painting By Chagall ♪ by The Weepies ♪ Listen Kevin: Oh, Mom. Nora: Yeah. Hi. Kevin: So, ahem, Scotty and I? We've narrowed our egg choices to a top 20. All of which are unbelievably strong contenders. Nora: Wait, you make it sound like a reality show. Kevin: Yeah, I don't wanna trivialize it or make a mistake. And Scotty seems to have washed his hands of the whole thing. So I would like you to meet Kimberly. Kimberly: Hi, I'm Kimberly. Kevin&Kimberly:I like to travel and exercise. Kevin: "I like to travel and exercise." Cute, right? Nora: Yeah. Kevin: "I'm very driven. And in the next five years, I hope to complete my JD-MBA, after which I'd like to open my own storefront legal-aid clinic." Nora: You've memorized her? Kevin: I've memorized all of them. My only problem with Kimberly is her grandfather had a stroke when he was 40. But she is 21, so strong selling point. Nora: You know, some people think women are like wine. They get better with age. Kevin: Not the fertility clinics. They tell you not to even consider anyone over 25. Nora: All right. I know that. Look, Kevin, I just don't feel like I wanna make an important decision like this over wine. Kevin: Why not? It's never stopped our family before. Nora: You know, get yourself a glass, Kevin. You look naked. Kevin: All right, now that you're officially the greatest judge in the world, take a look at these. Tell us which one should be our donor. Saul: Who am I looking at? Kevin: Caitlin. Strong grades, but more of an athlete. Runs marathons. Wins marathons. Probably not going to give us Einstein, but more of a socialized, popular kid. Saul: Health okay? Kevin: Absolutely. They're don't make it on the list unless it's okay. Saul: Look, Kevin, I know there's a lot of pressure on you guys. I certainly understand as well as anyone that there was a day in your life when it hit you that you would probably never raise a family. Right? Kevin: Right. Saul: And now you're both gonna be dads. And you want it to be right. You want it to be perfect. Kevin: Well, close would be fine. Saul: Yes. You know that wine of ours that just won? Kevin: Of course. Saul: It shouldn't have been that good. Those grapes were nothing special. But it is fantastic. And that's what I love so much about making wine. The surprise. When you get much more than you put in. They tell me that parenting is very much like that. Seeing your child turn into something that you would never have predicted. And now if you'll excuse me, I am going to taste a Cabernet Sauvignon that I hear great things about. Scotty: What are you doing? Kevin: I'm sorry! Look, I'm sorry. I... Look, I put all the finalists up. I thought maybe we could throw darts at them. Scotty: I don't think throwing darts at women's faces is a good idea. Kevin: You were right. You're absolutely right. Any one of them would be great, so please pick a dart. Scotty: Wait, is this a joke or does your OCD actually run on some sort of fuel that you're out of? Kevin: No, I just realized the way I've been approaching this. It's as if Caitlin here wins marathons because she has long legs, where it's really at mile when everyone else is dropping, she digs deeper because someone in her life taught her never to give up. Set an example. Made her that way. Caitlin, any of those girls, they'll give us a healthy baby. Who that child turns out to be is up to us. That's what I'm excited about. Because I can't wait to see the result of us being dads. Scotty: Me neither. Kevin: On three. Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: One, two, three. Scotty: Maybe we should roll dice. Kevin: Yeah.