All I wanted was a hug (S3E5)

Season 3 Episode 5

You Get What You Need First Aired: 26/Oct/2008

<< S3E3 S3E8 >>

Kevin: What happened to my transcripts? Scotty: Did you know the Queen Mary is docked in Long Beach? It says here it never fails to impress. Kevin: They're in a blue folder. Scotty: What about Venice Beach? Do you think my parents would like Venice Beach? Kevin, I'm talking to you. Kevin: Yeah. Yes. I'm listening. The Queen Mary, Venice. You're not impressed. Scotty: Not even close. Kevin, they're coming tomorrow. Focus. Kevin: The kitchen. Scotty: Kevin, my parents. The same parents who boycotted our commitment ceremony are coming. It's the equivalent of the Berlin Wall coming down, and I know you're crazed with work, but it would be nice if we could have an actual conversation when you're in the same room. Kevin: I'm so sorry. I'm all yours. Really. What's the plan? Scotty: Okay, first I need to... I need to book them a hotel room. Kevin: Let me do that. The firm gets a great rate at the W. What's your dad's drink? Scotty: Bourbon. Kevin: Great. I'll pick up a bottle. Scotty: Oh, and would you mind getting a signed photo of Kitty for my mom? She used to be obsessed with her radio show. Kevin: Just her? How about both of them? Two smiling Republicans for the price of one. Scotty: Are you mocking me or being nice? Kevin: Both. Anything else? Scotty: No. Just meet us at Bradbury's at 7, and don't spend the entire time checking your cell phone. Kevin: Seven? Scotty: Yes. My mother read some article about their patio and made a reservation weeks ago. Kevin: Why don't we do 9? It's so much more fashionable. Scotty: My parents aren't fashionable. It's past their bedtime. What? Kevin: Okay, I think they're gonna announce the new partner tomorrow night. Scotty: Kevin, you said that last week. Kevin: Yeah, I know, but the rumor is they're gonna do this whole big cocktail thing, and then it's gonna be me, you know? I've done it. You know, even after losing Ojai Foods, I've done it. Come on. Look on the bright side. I'd be arriving as partner. Your parents might actually be impressed. Look, why don't I just meet you for dessert? Scotty: No, no. I need you to be there. Okay, just have your secretary change it to 9. And one more thing, I... Don't be mad, but I was thinking maybe we could keep the em... PDA down to a minimum. Kevin: Wow. What happened to your chant, we're here, we're queer, get used to it? Scotty: You've met my parents. Kevin: Yes, I have, and they do scare me, so I won't antagonize them by French kissing you in front of them. Scotty: I promise to make it up to you. Kevin: You better. Scotty: Mm-mwah. Go, make partner. Kevin: Hi. Hi, welcome. We're so glad you're here. Wally: Nice to see you. Kevin: And you. Bertha: Hi. Kevin: Hi again. Hi. Scotty: Kevin's gotta get to work. He's gonna join us for dinner. Kevin: Right. Oh, you guys have picked a great spot. Although we actually thought maybe we could eat a little later. You know, spot some movie stars. Scotty: Ah, Kevin has a work function. He's gonna be made partner, which is an amazing thing. Wally: Well. Kevin: Yeah. Bertha: How much later are we talking? Kevin: Ah.. Nine. Bertha: That is later. Kevin: Yeah. Heh-heh. Oh, I thought you might like this. Wally: Mm. It's a little early for a drink. Kevin: Heh-heh-heh. Kevin: It's just for the hotel. Wally: I'm more of a bourbon man, but thanks. Kevin: Yeah, I know. It's just a great blended Scotch. You know, they sign and number every box. But I think you'll love it. Scotty: Mom, Kevin got something for you too. Bertha: Oh. Scotty: The picture. Kevin: Scotty said you might like a signed photo of Kitty, my sister, and Senator McCallister. Bertha: Scotty, that is so sweet. Kevin: Yes, it is. So I've arranged that. But it's not here now because it's gonna be hand-delivered by the subjects themselves. Bertha: You mean we can meet the McCallisters? Wally: Wow. Kevin: Yeah, they're gonna join us for dinner. That was another reason we had to change the time. Bertha: Oh, that certainly is worth the wait then. Wally: Yeah. Bertha: We'll have a late lunch. Kevin: Great. Scotty: Great. Kevin: Okay, I'd better get to work... if I'm gonna make this promotion. What are you guys gonna do today? Scotty: Grauman's. Bertha: The La Brea Tar Pits. Your father is dying to see the dinosaur. Wally: Bea, it's a woolly mammoth. It's different. Kevin: Great. I'm sure you'll have a great day. Scotty: Right. Kevin: And I'll see you at dinner. Bye. Kevin: Where did you go? Scotty: The wax museum. We passed in front of Liberace, none of us said a word. Kevin: Where are you now? Scotty: You know that double-decker bus that goes up Hollywood Boulevard? Kevin: Oh, my God. Scotty: You should see my parents. They're practically hanging off the side to get a good picture of the pirate in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater. Kevin: They're having fun. You're bonding. Look, I gotta go. My destiny awaits. Scotty: I can't wait to celebrate and get off this bus. Bye. Waiter: Another bourbon on the rocks for you? Wally: Mm. Robert: No, but a driven bird coming at you is so much harder to get than one going away, like a quail. Wally: Well, I learned to shoot quail as a young boy, senator. Robert: Oh, well, then you know. There's just nothing better. Companionship, a good dog, a fine gun. Bertha: Scotty used to pan fry them with gravy on the side, right? Scotty: I don't remember the whole quail thing. Heh Bertha: Do you cook, Kitty? Kitty: Well, not quail. Not like Scotty. Scotty: Oh, look who's here. Kevin: Hey. Scotty: Okay. Here is your champagne. Kevin: Thank you. Kitty: So are you going to sit down, big shot, or are you too important for us now? Scotty: Did they give you the corner office? Kevin: Not yet. Kitty: Okay, well, here's a toast to my brother Kevin. Congratulations. We're all really proud of you. Kevin: Thank you. Wally: Here's hoping you're not involved in any of those frivolous lawsuits. I think you should listen to your brother-in-law on that particular topic. Kevin: You all having a good time? Scotty: Mm-hm. Bertha: Well, I was looking forward to sitting out on the patio. Kevin: You know, I'm so sorry. The reservation got changed so many times... Kitty: You know what? I think this table is perfect. Robert: Yeah, yeah. I think this is a good table. Bertha: You do? It is a good table, I guess. Kevin: Did you like the picture? Bertha: Oh, yes. Kitty, tell us more about the adoption. Scotty: They loved it. Bertha: I think that baby is going to be so lucky. I can't think of a better couple to raise a child. Kitty: We actually think of ourselves as lucky. Wally: Well, we both admire you so much. We wanted to vote for you for president, but... Kevin: Scotty. Scotty: I'm gonna have the lemon-garlic prawns. Kevin: Can I have a word with you? Kitty: What is everybody gonna eat? Bertha: What's good here? Scotty: What? Kitty: The filet mignon, and the teriyaki. Bertha: I think it is wonderful you're having a baby at this point in your life. I had Scotty at such a young age. Kitty: Hmm. Robert: Have you ever thought about adopting? Scotty: Oh, maybe someday, but not right now. Bertha: That's probably smart. Kitty: No, no, no. I think that they would make amazing parents, even if they are Democrats. Wally: Speacking of which, can we tell you how much we enjoyed your TV show Red, White & Blue? Bertha: So what was it like, interviewing all those famous types? Robert: That's actually how we met. Bertha: Oh, how romantic. Actually, we were told that we might meet some famous people ourselves, except I think they're all sitting out on the patio. Kevin: You know what, Bertha? I think that's enough. Bertha: Excuse me? Kevin: I'm sorry. I thought we came here to break the ice and to get to know each other, but I feel like I'm not here. Scotty: Kevin... Kevin: What? Can we please stop pretending and have a real conversation? Bertha: I thought we were having one. Kevin: No, no, that would require you to be less passive-aggressive. You can fawn over my sister and her husband because they're your pantion of Republican gods, you can honor their version of the alternative family, but you know what? Maybe I'm not smart, but someday, maybe we would like to adopt. Bertha: We drove here all the way from Arizona. Scotty: Okay, why don't we all just take a deep breath? Kevin: I can breathe just fine, thank you. Robert: Should hear him on a night he doesn't make partner. Kevin: Actually, I turned them down because I'm so sick of being a lawyer. Kitty: What.. what do you mean? Kevin: I have options. You see your two heroes here? They offered me a job. And guess what, surprise, surprise. Your gay, Democrat son-in-law is gonna take it. Scotty: You're going to work for him? Robert: Try to be a little less enthusiastic. Kevin: Yes, I am, because someone has to cross the aisle, or nothing gets done. Bertha: I'm not hungry anymore. I wanna go to the hotel. Scotty: Mo... Wally: I'm sorry. It was really a pleasure to meet you. Scotty: What hotel did you put them up in? Kevin: Oh, my God. Scotty: You forgot. Kevin: I'm... Scotty: Great. Kevin: Scotty. Scotty. Kevin: Did you find a hotel for your parents? Scotty: Motel, in Silver Lake. Kevin: Scotty, I am so sorry. Scotty: I asked for one weekend, Kevin, one. Our entire lives are about your family. My parents visit us for the first time, and you can't show an ounce of restraint? Kevin: I know. Scotty: What is wrong with you? I mean, first you introduce yourself by barging into their house on our wedding day, then you completely flip out at dinner. And after I put up with your endless work, your obsession over making partner, you blithely announce at dinner you're quitting your job to work for a Republican. Kevin: Maybe I could do good. Scotty: Have you lost your mind? Kevin: I was just trying to get your parents to like me. Scotty: Like you? Kevin: I know. Now they hate me more than ever. Scotty: Well, there's such a thing as cause and effect. Kevin: I am so sorry. If I could take it back, of course I would. It was a bad day. Scotty: You can say that again. Kevin: I didn't make partner. They gave it to someone else. And I couldn't say anything at dinner because I was so humiliated. This is by no means an excuse, but when I left work, all I could think of was getting to you because I knew once I'd see you, I would feel okay, and when I got there, the only pair of eyes that I wanted to see were yours because all I wanted was a hug. I don't blame you at all, because we agreed, no PDA. Scotty: Come here. Kevin: I swear I will make it up to them. Scotty: Come here. Scotty: I.. I made some sandwiches for the road. There's some banana bread too. Bertha: Sounds delicious, honey. Kevin: Do you need directions? Wally: No, we've got the GPS in the car, but thanks anyway. Kevin: Look, I'd... I'd like to apologize again for the other night. It was... Wally: Water under the bridge. We're sorry you didn't make partner. Kevin: Thank you. This is for you. Wally: Oh. Kevin: It's a bottle of bourbon, which is what I should've got you in the first place. Wally: You're determined to get me drunk, aren't you? Well, I appreciate this, but I'll tell you what. Why don't I take the Scotch back with me, you take this, and in a few months, maybe we'll compare notes. Kevin: I'd be very glad to. Wally: Someone's gonna have to cross the aisle, or nothing's gonna get done. Bertha: Well, we... We better get going. Wally: Right. Scotty: Bye. Wally: We love you. Kevin: Bye.

Don't do it again (S3E3)

Season 3 Episode 3

Tug of War First Aired: 12/Oct/2008

<< S3E1 S3E5 >>

Scotty: It sounds awful. Kevin: It doesn't matter how it sounds. What matters is you agreed to come. So... I... tomorrow night, you and me, 7:00, client dinner. Scotty: I just.. Kevin: Scotty, the partners have never asked me to step up like this before, okay? They're all bringing their spouses. I do not want to be the only one there without a date. Scotty: A "date"? Kevin: Ah, sorry. Spouse. So I do really need you there. If you have made plans with someone else, please reschedule. Scotty: Okay, fine. Kevin: Thank you. Scotty: Why it so crucial for you to bring a spouse anyway? Kevin: Because it validates us in the eyes of the client. If, for some godforsaken reason, someone on this planet does want to love, honor and cherish a lawyer, we can't be all that bad. Scotty: I'm so glad we had our commitment ceremony. Kevin: I didn't put a ring on your finger for nothing. And if I do manage to bag these guys, it'll be like losing the Ojai account never even happened. Scotty: All right, fine. Who are we wining and dining anyway? Kevin: Core athletics. Scotty: You realize I know nothing about sports. Kevin: Yeah, which is why I have us both covered. I made espn one of my preset buttons on the radio months ago. Scotty: Wow, it's like I don't even know you right now. Sarah: Not nearly as satisfying. Kevin: Which is why I think we would be the perfect firm for you and the Rose bowl committee. Sarah: The rose bowl? What? Kevin: Absolutely. Sarah: Kevin? Kevin: Okay, thank you. Sarah: Kevin? Kevin: Let's... let's talk soon. Thank you. Carter: Rose bowl committee? Kevin: Yeah, just, uh, just trying to drum up some new clients. Carter: You must be feeling pretty confident not to be focusing on core athletics. Kevin: Ah. Carter: Are you ready to land us a multimillion-dollar account? Kevin: Are you kidding me? Last night, I had a dream I had to recite their latest earnings report verbatim, and I did, perfectly. Carter: I'm a little concerned about their C.E.O. Ron Robinson has a-a reputation for being pretty tough to win over. Kevin: Right, because he's a perfectionist. He tries every sneaker personally before they release a new line. He's... he's like my mom. I know exactly how to handle him. Carter: I'm sure you will. But I've been to a lot more of these dinners, and it's not just about selling the firm. It's about making that... that personal connection. You may want to think about flying solo on this one. Kevin: Flying solo? Carter: Give Robinson all your attention. Don't make him compete with anyone else. Kevin: I'm sorry. Are... are you asking me to leave Scotty at home? Carter: I'm just saying that sometimes potential clients can be unpredictable. And you don't want the night to become an uphill battle. We all want you to become partner, Kevin. You land this deal, you're next in line. Scotty: Okay. Kevin: Hey. Scotty: Hey. How's my overworked husband? Kevin: Overworked. Good news... You're off the hook for tomorrow night. Scotty: I thought everyone was supposed to bring their spouses. Kevin: Yeah, they are. But, you know, you were right. I think it's gonna be awful. And besides, why do we have to be so hetero-normative? Scotty: Sounds like you're chickening out. Kevin: No, not at all. By the same token, I don't think we have anything to prove. Scotty: Kevin, you feel weird about bringing me. Admit it. Kevin: I don't feel weird about anything at all. What? Scotty: Kevin... Kevin: My boss is worried that if you were to be there with me, the client may become distracted, which is his code for saying "offended ", which is just, I don't know, a pleasant way of saying he's not sure whether this guy likes homos, and he doesn't want anything to stand in the way of the contract. Scotty: Oh, my god. Kevin: Yeah. Scotty: I'm sorry. Kevin: I thought you'd be mad. Scotty: Well, I am, at your boss. I can't believe he's putting you in this position. What did you say? Kevin: You know, Scotty, I am this close to making partner. Look, I can do a lot more from a corner office than I can from a cubicle. Scotty: You're not in a cubicle, Kevin. Kevin: That's a metaphor. It... Carter all but said if I do this right, I'm there. Scotty: Does that corner office have a big walk-in closet? Kevin: That's not fair. This is one dinner. Scotty: I think we both know it's more than that. Kevin: So what am I supposed to do? I've worked my ass off for this firm for years. If I left now, I'd have to start over. Scotty: I'm not asking you to start over. Kevin: What are you asking? Scotty: I'm asking you to be careful. Look, Kevin, you deserve to make partner, but you also deserve to be who you are. You've been working pretty hard at that, too, remember? Ron Robinson: Excellent choice of wine, Carter. Carter: Actually, Kevin suggested it. His family's in the business. Cynthia Carter: Oh, Really? That's so glamorous. Connie Robinson: That's what I keep telling Ron. Give your gym some glamour. Let people sweat in luxury. Ron: She thinks smoothie bars add luxury. Kevin: Last time I was at one of your gyms, I drank two of your banana bliss in a row. I'm actually afraid to go back. I think I put weight on that day. Ron: I told her. Guys don't want to sit on their asses and drink milkshakes, because that's what they are milkshakes at a gym. How did your family get into wine? Kevin: By drinking it, mainly. I think my brother actually uses us as quality control. Ron: Wise man. You know, I personally test every athletic shoe before it hits the market. Keivn: Really? I didn't know that. But that's how we are at the firm. I mean, if you were to sign with us, you'd be guaranteed personal attention at all times. Connie: Hope you save some attention for your wife. Kevin: Ah, yeah, of course I do. Ron: Sorry she couldn't join us. How long you two been married? Kevin: Umm, since last may. Ron: Ah, you're still in the honeymoon phase. Give it a year or two, she'll be ruling the roost. Carter: I wouldn't worry about Kevin. I can't see anybody pushing him around. He's a bulldog when he wants to be. Isn't that right? Kevin: That's me. TV: The degree of difficulty is 3. 2 Scotty: Hey, how was the dinner? Well, I've been putting a dent in our tivo backlog, and I'm all the way up to the summer olympics. Did it not go well? Kevin: Oh, no, it was the kind of evening every young associate dreams of. I was the perfect sommelier, I walked them through the advantages of Carter, wright and dupress, so much so, by the end of the night, good ol' Ron practically insisted that I take over the account personally. Scotty: So you got it? Kevin: Yeah, I got it. But in a moment of faustian proportions, I pretended to be straight. Scotty: Wasn't that kind of the plan? Kevin: I think it's one thing to leave you at home, but it's certainly another to take advice on how to deal with your new bride. Scotty: They thought you were married to a woman. Kevin: Yeah, because I let them. And right now, I practically feel sick to my stomach. You know, for the first time in my life, I went back into the closet after coming out. And you were absolutely right. It's a very dark place. Scotty: Then don't do it again... or do, but you can't play the game and second-guess yourself at the same time. Either accept what you did because it'll get you what you want, or go in there tomorrow and tell them you're drawing a line in the sand. Make a decision. I don't care which one. Kevin: You're absolutely right. And I'm gonna go in tomorrow morning and tell Carter exactly what I think. Scotty: Good, because I actually did care which one you chose. Kevin: I feel a whole lot better already. Scotty: You wanna watch the rest with me? Kevin: Ah, you know what? I'm kinda exhausted. Scotty: It's the diving competition. Kevin: Hmm, well, I did want to get into some more sports. Kevin: No, no, the guy needs permits to keep animals on his property, even if they're bees, and he didn't apply for one before moving, so there's your angle. Yeah, or you could call the president. I'm sure that would work, too. Uh, senator, I have to go. Bye. Carter: I'm not used to being summoned to an associate's office. What's so important? Kevin: I, I just wanted to talk about last night. Carter: Well, I just got off the phone with Ron Robinson. He's faxing over the retainer right now. Kevin: Yeah, yeah, he... he called earlier to tell me that. Carter: Then what's the problem? Kevin: I wanna make partner here more than you know. But a few things happened last night I don't think I handled well. Carter: Are you kidding me? You handled it perfectly. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. You landed the deal. You should be proud. Look, I have a partners' meeting in five minutes, and I was planning on raving about your performance, so... if that's all there is... Kevin: Yes, sir, that's all. Carter: Good. Keep up the good work.