Season 4 Episode 9

Pregnant Pause First Aired: 29/Nov/2009

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Scotty: God, who knew a fertility clinic could be so sterile? Kevin: You expecting silk sheets? Scotty: I feel like I'm about to have my teeth cleaned, not make a baby. Kevin: You'll be fine. Scotty: Will you come with me? Kevin: No. It's a clinic, not a motel. Scotty: Yeah, well, what if I can't, you know... Kevin: Well, that's what the porn's for. Scotty: Porn? Really? Scotty: Oh, yeah. Kevin: There's like a smorgasbord of smut and filth back there. Oh, when I did this for Tommy and Julia, there was this one... Scotty: Wait, what was it called? Oh. Nurse: Gentlemen, which one of you would like to go first? Scotty: I will. Sarah: Hi, Kevin. Kitty: I get to tell him! Kevin: Hey, Sarah. How you doing? Sarah: Mom's having a torrid affair. Kevin: What? Kitty: Thanks a lot, Sarah. Sarah: Sorry, kid. He called me. You have a husband. Give me this. Kevin: I am so regretting being a sympathetic brother right now. Sarah: If this is a pity call, you can just go back to work. Kevin: I'm waiting for my husband to finish masturbating. Sarah: Well, sometimes it's easier that way. Kevin: No, we're at the fertility clinic. We're getting tested today. Kitty: Hello? Sarah: Hang on. Okay, you're both on speaker. Talk amongst yourselves. Kitty: Oh, Kevin, you wouldn't have believed it. She's all googly-eyed with that after-sex glow. I thought they were gonna light up in the kitchen. Kevin: I really can't listen to this right now. Scotty: Your turn. Kevin: There's not a DVD in the whole of West Hollywood that could counteract what I just heard. Sarah: Oh, that's Justin. Kitty: Justin. Do I get to tell Justin? Sarah: Hold on. Kevin: No. Take it. Look, if there's a chance in hell of me procreating I have to hang up right now. Bye. ♪ Hare Krsna ♪ by Thievery Corporation ♪ Listen Scotty: Knock, knock. Sarah: Oh, hey! Nora: Hi. I'm gonna get this in the oven and then I'll help you with the menus. Sarah: Mom's a little preoccupied. Scotty: Ah. So, what's with the cool music? Sarah: Oh, Simon programmed Mom's iPod. Nora: Finally. I've been a little busy with you kids. Simon: Made a few playlists. Nora: This is "Coolest Three." Three? Two? Simon: Two. I think it's two. Sarah: Wow, you guys really have been busy. Simon, don't you have cells to divide or research or something? Simon: As matter of fact, I was in the lab first thing this morning. Sarah: Got a lot done by the sounds of it. Nora: Sarah. Sarah: What? Simon: No, no, Sarah's right. Doctors shouldn't just hang around making quiche all day. Which is why I should get ready to head back. See you. Nora: Oh, I'm gonna walk him to the door. Scotty, just put this in the oven for me. I'll be right back. Simon: See you all. Sarah: Simon. What do you think of him? Do you have good feelings? Because I definitely do not. Scotty: Why not? Sarah: Come on. I mean, what 40-year-old doctor... Scotty: He's 40? Sarah: Five at best. But it's weird, right? Not to mention he's got time in the middle of the day to make quiche and playlists. Scotty: Well, he said he was going back to the lab. Sarah: He's got my mother under some kind of spell. Like Prince Eric and the sea witch. Scotty: Oh, The Little Mermaid. God, I love that movie. I can't wait to watch that with my kid. Does that mean I want a girl? Sarah: Oh, how did you go with your sperm test? Scotty: Mine won. Sarah: Oh, yay! How's Kevin? Is he mad? Scotty: How did you guess? Although it's not like his sperm are useless. I mean, they swim. Sarah: Well, you know how competitive he is. Scotty: Okay, let's take a look at those menus. Wait, what's this? Sarah: I'm just Googling the good doctor. Scotty: Why? Sarah: Because I don't trust him. - It's all too good to be true. Scotty: I don't think he's that bad. I mean, he's really nice to your mom, right? Sarah: Bingo. Simon Craig, M.D. Malpractice? Scotty: I'm sure he's just an expert witness. Sarah: No, defendant. In both. Looks like they were both for negligence. Saul: Justin. You have come so far so fast. You remember a year and a half ago? You were living with your mother. Kevin: Oh, don't worry, he'll be back. Justin: No, it's not funny. It's my toast. Kevin: Sorry. Sorry. Saul: And now you're about to become a doctor. I can't tell you how proud that makes an uncle. You deserve all the happiness that's coming to you. You have a grand and glorious future ahead of you. Congratulations. To Justin. Kevin: To Justin. Robert: Cheers. Now, guys, come on. Nobody wants one of these? They're Cubans. Scotty: You know what? I think I'll try one. Robert: Yeah. I like it, Wandell. Kevin: Wow, one good sperm count, he thinks he's Mark Twain. Scotty: Mark Twain? Kevin: Mmm. Robert: How you doing over there, Justin? Justin: Good. Yeah. Robert: Take a good look around because I may have thrown you the gayest bachelor party ever. Saul: Ha-ha-ha. You know what they used to call gay men when I was a kid? Kevin: What? Saul: Bachelors. Scotty: g.. Saul: Uh-oh. The man needs a doctor. Justin. Justin: No, no, I'm not a doctor. Robert: No, no, no, don't put it out. It's $40. Scotty: I'm sorry, I can't. Kevin: I knew it. I knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. Scotty: Oh. Speaking of doctors, did you hear what Sarah found out about Simon? Kevin: This should be interesting. Scotty: Apparently, he has two pretty major malpractice lawsuits against him. Kevin: Scotty, every doctor has a malpractice suit against him. That's that's nothing. That's Sarah being a baby. Saul: Speacking of which, have you and Rebecca thought about when you wanna start a family? Justin: Oh, no, no, no. Robert: What kind of conversation is this? This is a bachelor party, not The View. Kevin: What's wrong with The View? Saul: I like The View, it's one of the best shows on TV. Robert: I can't believe you guys. Can we please change the subject? Saul: What? Kevin: Wait, what's that? Justin: What's what? Kevin: What's in your glass? Justin: What do you mean, what's in my glass? Kevin: This is champagne. Justin: So what? Kevin: So what? You're a recovering addict. Justin: Yeah, an addict, not an alcoholic, Kevin. I'm not addicted to champagne. Kevin: Oh, please. There's a difference? Justin: Come on, it's just a glass of champagne. Relax. Kevin: I know. You're not allowed this. Justin: It's my bachelor party, I can have a glass of champagne. Kevin: No, I'm sorry. You can't. Not in front of me. Justin: Are you serious? Kevin: I'm serious. Robert: Guys, sit down. Kevin: What is wrong with you? Justin: You have no idea what's the matter with me right now. Scotty: Do you think he's been drinking for a while? Saul: No, I think we would know if he was. Kevin: Yeah, hiding it was never his forte. Scotty: Talk about cold feet. Kevin: Frost-bitten. Robert: No, that poor kid. He's gonna be dealing with more than you can imagine. Kevin: Well, I don't find marriage that rough. Do you? Robert: I'm not talking about marriage. Saul: Robert, what are you talking about? Kevin: Do you know something? Robert: All right. Look. The only reason I'm telling you this is because I'm really worried about him. And you're gonna find out anyway, I just... I think you should be prepared. Kevin: Oh, there... Nora & Sarah: What? Kevin: I just wanted to let you know we're here. Sarah: What happened to your big boys' night out? Kevin: Ugh. Wine first. Nora: Uh, did Justin find out anything? Kevin: No, but we all did. Sarah: What? Justin: You... you all know, don't you? Holly: Know what? Justin: Your daughter is pregnant. Holly: What? Sarah: What are you doing here in the middle of the day? Everybody needs to stop worrying about my broken heart. I'm working. I'm fine. Kevin: Yeah, that's not why I'm here. Sarah: If you're here to talk about last night's insanity, don't. Oh, by the way, I'm glad Scotty's sperm's better than yours. Us Walker's need to stop reproducing. Kevin: Yeah, well, I'm actually here to talk about Mom. Sarah: You know, I think she's in love. Kevin: I know. That's what I'm afraid of. Sarah: Oh, Scotty told you about the malpractice suits? Don't worry about it. They were both thrown out before they went to court. And Mom knew about them anyway. Kevin: Yeah, well, I did some Googling myself. Did you notice the dates of when those lawsuits were thrown out? It was around the same time he stopped seeing patients and started research. Sarah: Well, what are you saying? Kevin: I'm saying I think he got his license yanked. Sarah: Oh, no, Kevin. Kevin: Sarah, your intuition about this kind of stuff is always dead-on. So, what if you're right about this guy? Sarah: It's like a bad song I just got out of my head and you just pressed play. Kevin: Sorry.