Season 5 Episode 13

Safe at Home First Aired: 16/Jan/2011

<< S5E12 S5E14 >>

Kevin: Ta da! Is the wall color okay? We weren't sure if yellow was gonna be too bright. Scotty: Yeah, and we didn't want to do pink, 'cause we thought it might be too girlie. Kevin: Not that there's anything wrong with being pink or girlie. Scotty: No, of course not. Kevin: You know, we... green, purple... we can do any color of the rainbow. Olivia: Yellow's cool. I'm just here for the weekend anyway. Kevin: Yes, you are, but eventually, you'll be living here, so... Scotty: And we want you to be comfortable. Kevin: Yeah, you know what? Live with it for this visit. If you think yellow isn't you, we can totally repaint it by the time you... Scotty: Totally. Olivia: I think I'm just gonna draw if that's cool. Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: Absolutely. Scotty: Of course. Kevin: Um, before you do that, there's something we would like to give you. And you can change this, too, if you don't like it. Olivia: Is it yellow? Scotty: I'm not sure. I... Kevin: Uh, is it? Scotty: Uh... Olivia: I'm kidding. You guys don't need to buy me anything, you know? Kevin: Ooh. S... Ugh. It's my mom. Sorry. Go ahead. Scotty: Sorry. It's his mom. She can wait. Believe me. Open your present. Kevin: Yeah. Olivia: I like the wrapping. Kevin: Good. Olivia: The box is ringing. I think I know what it is. Kevin: Yeah. Sorry. Let me just, um... see. Oh, yeah. Can you hold that? Mom, what are you doing? Nora: Well, I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. I just wanted to find out... Does she like my gift? Kevin: No, you couldn't resist talking to her. What if she'd picked up? You're gonna meet her, okay? Can you just calm down? Olivia: Can I draw now? Scotty: Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go find out if we have everything we need for dinner. Kevin: Could you, uh, grab her some paper? Scotty: Oh. Olivia: I have a notebook. Scotty: Okay. Nora: Kevin. Kevin, listen, give her some space. Don't push. Kevin: Hi, pot. This is kettle. You're black. Nora: All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But tell me, does she like it? Kevin: I don't know. Why don't we let her try it before we run out of minutes? Nora: Well, I got her an unlimited plan. Kevin: Of course you did. Nora: Look, I know you guys can't come tonight. Kevin: I'm meeting Tommy for coffee. Nora: Well, good, good. Did he happen to tell you anything about a big surprise? Kevin: No. Bye, mom. Nora: Oh, all right. Good-bye. Kevin: I am so sorry my mom ruined your surprise. But she just wanted you to be able to reach us anytime. But pretty cool, huh? You can text me anytime you want. I'm a huge texter. I might even tweet you. Olive: Who's Tommy? Kevin: Uh, he's my brother, and I'm just gonna grab a quick coffee with him. Scotty: And while he does that, I thought you and I could go shopping. Kevin: We stocked up, but I'm sure we've missed a couple of things. Scotty: So why don't you just write down some stuff you think you might need on that list? Olivia: If you want to go hang out with Tommy... Kevin: No, no. Are you kidding me? I want to hang with you. Olivia: Uh, if it's okay with you, I'm gonna draw. Kevin: Okay. Scotty: Okay. Kevin & Scotty: Okay. Scotty: You ready to go? What's this? Olivia: Just the list of stuff that I want. Scotty: Oh, you drew it. Okay, so this is a hat, uh, pajamas, an electric toothbrush, and... Olivia: That's a gecko. Scotty: I can see that. Olivia: You don't really need to get me one. I just think they're really cool. Scotty: Olivia, you are very talented. Olivia: Thanks. Come on. Let's go. Scotty: Okay. Tommy: Here, look. That's Rose. Justin: All right. Let me see. Oh, wow. She's beautiful. I thought blondes are more your type. Kevin: No. Tommy's always been an equal-opportunity Lothario. Tommy: Coming from the man who dated three guys at once? Kevin: Technically, I didn't date any of them. Besides, I'm married now, starting a family as we speak. Justin: Oh, let me see. Let me see. Is this... Olivia's adorable. Kevin: Right? Tommy: Let me see. Oh, man. She's beautiful. Kevin: Right? Justin: All right, while we're doing it, take a look at Annie. Kevin: Give me mine back. I need to text Olivia. Tommy: Wow. That's Annie. So is she, uh, is she the real deal? Justin: Yeah, we'll find out after the softball game. Kevin: Oh, yeah. So is the ex a pitcher or a catcher? Justin: Seriously, Kevin? Kevin: It's a legitimate sports question. Tommy: It's true. That is. Justin: Well, I don't know, but I know he's definitely still into her. Kevin: Yeah, but the question is, is Annie still into Dr. Rick? Justin: Well, she says she's not. Kevin: That's a hot name, by the way. Justin: Thanks, Kev. All right? He's a cardiology resident also. Tommy: So? You're a 3-time war vet, all right? He's just trying to rattle you. Go to the game, you hit a couple of home runs, and then rush back to mom's, all right? I'm gonna need your help. Justin: Why? What's going on? Tommy: Mom had that look earlier, like when you were dating Fawn. Kevin: Ooh. Justin: Ooh. That's not good. Tommy: No, and Sarah kept narrowing her eyes every time we were talking. Kevin: Yeah. She thinks she's weird. Tommy: What? What did she... did she call you? Kevin: No, I got a text. Tommy: What did she say? Kevin: "She's weird." Tommy: Ugh.. Justin: Sarah's always the last one to be won over. You know that. Tommy: Which is why I need you guys to back me up. She's not weird. She's great. She's not what you might expect. But she's funny and smart and kind, and, yeah, she's not afraid of saying anything. Justin: Okay. Then she'll fit in fine. Kevin: Yeah. You're getting a text from her. "1-4-3." What does that mean? Tommy: Mmmm Justin: What? Tommy: Uh, all right, fine. It's this thing we do. It means "I love you." You know, the "I" is a 1-letter word, and "love" is a 4-letter... Justin: Nerd alert. Tommy: Anyway, she's amazing. I gotta get to Sarah's. Kevin: Why isn't Olivia texting me back? Justin: Because she's still shopping with Scotty. Kevin: Yeah, I know, but I thought she'd be like Paige... thumbs permanently cramped at right angles. Tommy: You ready for your big game? Justin: Dr. Rick doesn't know what's coming. Tommy: All right. Justin: All right. 1-4-3, bro. Tommy: Yeah. See you, guys. Justin: Later. Kevin: Later. Scotty: Okay, Swiss chard, Swiss chard, Swiss chard. Hi. Okay. Okay. I have one thing left on my list. How about you? Olivia: I'm done. Scotty: You're done? Seriously? But I always win supermarket sweep. But you didn't get anything from the list. That's the whole point of the game. Olivia: I got the stuff I like. Scotty: I can see that. Olivia: I don't understand why we're shopping anyway. What's the point of living above a restaurant if you can't even eat there? Scotty: Well, because the restaurant is our business. We're going to eat where we live. Do you still have the list? Okay. All right, let's make a deal. We'll get the rest of the things we need from this list, and you can keep a couple of the things you want in your basket. Olivia: Do we have to play that game again? Scotty: Was it lame? Olivia: Kind of. Scotty: Sorry. I'm so old. Okay, vodka. Kevin: She's probably pissed you made her play that stupid sweep game. Scotty: Does everybody hate that game? Kevin: Well, your version doesn't actually have cash prizes at the register. Scotty: Well, there could've been. I mean, she completely ignored my list. We can't let her eat like that. Kevin: Okay, slow down, Julia Child. We all ate candy as a kid. We'll talk to her. Hi. We... Oh, you have your phone. I was afraid you lost it. Olivia: Why? Kevin: Oh, no biggie. Uh, I... I sent you a couple of texts, and you didn't text me back. Olivia: I was with Scotty. Why would I text you? Kevin: Sit down with me for a sec, would you? We, uh, we want to talk to you about expectations. Olivia: So you want me to do chores or something? Scotty: No, I think what Kevin is trying to say is, when we try to reach you, it would be great if you, you know, wrote us back. Kevin: Yeah. Or like with the groceries. Because Scotty's such a good chef, he will make you think green beans are French fries. I swear. Olivia: Okay. Scotty: We have a responsibility to make sure you're healthy. It's really important to us. Kevin: Yeah. Olivia: I've never even heard of most of the stuff that's on your list. Can I go to my room? Kevin: We're... we're not angry with you. We just wanted to have a little talk. Olivia: That's all. I really want to go to my room. Kevin: So admit it. You really liked Scotty's homemade Mac and cheese. Scotty: Um, Olivia, there's something that, uh, Kevin and I want you to hear. We have thought long and hard about how to have a family. Kevin: And we truly believe that this is the one we're supposed to have, but it's a big responsibility. Which is why sometimes you may get really mad at us when we need you to do things. Scotty: And we thought maybe you would understand things better if you had something to take care of on your own. Kevin: So... Olivia: Is that a gecko? Kevin: Mm-hmm. Olivia: Is it for me? Kevin: Yep. Olivia: Thank you. Kevin: Now you'll have to feed it. Olivia: It eats live crickets. Scotty: Wow. I wish we knew that before we got it. Kevin: Yeah, and you'll have to make sure it gets plenty of light. Olivia: I will. I promise. And I'll eat whatever you guys want. Scotty: Oh, no, no, this isn't a bribe. Kevin: No, because now we're a family... you, me, Scotty, and... Olivia: Zemulon. That's his name. Kevin: Perfect... Because I actually have something for his terrarium. Scotty: Ahh. Olivia: What's that for? Kevin: Well, what does it say? Olivia: Can I go play with Zemulon now? Kevin: Of course you can. I mean, nametags for geckos? That's stupid. I think I just picked that up at a legal conference. Olivia: Can I show him our room? Kevin: Sure. Scotty: The shopping list. Kevin: The text. Scotty: She... Kevin: She can't read. Saul: Yeah. Come on. Nora: Hey. Where is she? Saul: She's getting ready. I think she wants to impress us. Nora: Impress us? My God. I'm a nervous wreck. I could hardly sleep last night. Midnight is a young man's game. Saul: You know, he's in the phone book. Nora: Who? Saul: Brody. Brody's in the phone book. I remembered, Brody is his last name. His name is Nick Brody. Nora: Saul, would you just please stop it? You're obsessed. Saul: Nora, I think that you should call him. Yeah, yeah, you were very close to him. Much closer than any of us ever knew. Nora: Stop it. Honestly. I'd just like to concentrate on... on today. I'm about to meet my new little granddaughter for the very first time, and I want to concentrate on that. Saul: Okay. Nora: Hi. Kevin: She's almost ready. Nora: Don't be mad at me if I cry. Kevin: Please tell me there aren't any leftovers in there. Saul: No, they're not leftovers. I, I brought a, a bunch of your favorite books from when you were a kid. Kevin: That's great. Thank you. Saul: So did you talk to the social worker? Kevin: Yeah, I did. A lot of kids fall through the cracks. So we've made an appointment to get her tested, and now we're just looking for tutors. Saul: Great. Nora: Kevin... you sound just like a dad. Kevin: Oh, stop it. You're gonna make me cry. Scotty: Olivia, this is Kevin's mom, Nora. Nora: Hi, Olivia. Scotty: And this is Uncle Saul. Saul: Hi, sweetheart. I'm so happy to meet you. Olivia: Thank you for my phone, Nora. Nora: Oh, absolutely. I mean, if you're gonna be in this family, you gotta have a phone. And you have to learn that whole 3-way calling thing. Olivia: I know how to do it. Nora: Ooh. Olivia: Do you want to meet my gecko? Nora: Y... your gecko? Oh, wow. Look at that. Saul: Wow. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Nora: Oh... my goodness. And what's his name? Olivia: Zemulon. Nora: Zemulon? Wow. Saul: Look at that tail. Amazing.

Season 5 Episode 12 - music

Thanks for the Memories First Aired: 09/Jan/2011

"Vagabond" (2009)

"I Got A Mind To Tell You " by Spencer Day Café 429, Saul at bar talking to bartender, Jonathan enters. Lyrics: I got a mind to tell you What I’ve been tryin’ to tell you for so long Don’t want to get it wrong But I got a heart that’s soft and Too open all too often That’s a dangerous little combination And I’m afraid a little brush aside Could irreparably impair my pride I got a mind to tell you, but I never will Don’t want to take it easy Don’t wanna play the game of be a friend I came with false pretenses And playing hard to get is getting me nowhere fast Should I confess or lower my defenses? Do I say the words I want to say And risk the chance that you will run away? I got a mind to tell you, but I never will I got a mind to let you know Cause I can’t hold it inside Do I say the words I want to say And risk the chance that you will run away? I got a mind to tell you, but I never will

Season 5 Episode 12

Thanks for the Memories First Aired: 09/Jan/2011

<< S5E11 S5E13 >>

Jill: So your visits with Olivia have been going well? Scotty: Um, y-yeah, although, she seems more interested in biting her fingernails than she does in talking to us. Kevin: Yeah, she was a little nervous. Jill: Mm. When a child finds out there's a real possibility they've found a home, it can trigger a lot of anxiety. Olivia has been in the system for a long time. It's hard for her to believe in happy endings. Kevin: So she's meeting us here? Jill: Yeah, she's on her way in. Scotty: I brought trail mix. Kevin: She likes candy better, but, you know, sugar. Jill: Look at you guys, already thinking like parents. Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: Does she know about the weekend visits yet? Jill: In theory, but I think that we should choose a date today. Scotty: Okay, great. Kevin: We've had our niece staying with us while my sister's out of town, so she's been helping us get Olivia's room ready. Jill: How nice. Kevin: Yeah. Jill: Olivia. Kevin: Hi. Scotty: Hi, Olivia. Olivia: Hi. Jill: Would you like to sit down, Olivia? Olivia: No, are you guys gonna ask me to spend the weekend with you? 'Cause I got stuff to do. Scotty: Well, is there any way that maybe you can do that stuff at our place? Olivia: Do you have a TV? Scotty: We do, with cable. Kevin: And, uh, thousands of movie channels. Olivia: I guess I could do that. Jill: How's next weekend? Kevin: Great. Scotty: Perfect. Olivia: Sure. Saul: Yeah. Slow around the corner! Scotty: Slow, slow, slow. Kevin: It's fine. It's fine. Scotty: Whoa, Whoa, Kevin. Slow down. It's slipping. Kevin: Saul, Saul, don't! You'll throw your back out. Scotty: Saul, I got it. Kevin: Just get the keys. Saul: Nobody ever lets me do anything! Scotty: Why did we have to get this now? Kevin: Because I told you, one day, Olivia will need a desk. Scotty: Yeah, but this isn't a desk. It's a box with pieces of a desk in it. And guess who's gonna have to assemble it. Who? Me. Saul: Okay, I want to meet Olivia. When am I gonna meet my niece? Kevin: It's weekends for a while. She has to transition into living with us. Scotty: Oh, Saul, I have some things I wanted to get rid of. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to donate them to the gay and lesbian center. Saul: No problem. I'd be happy to, except I'm not volunteering there anymore. Kevin: Why not? Did homophobia end without my knowledge? Saul: No. I found out that Jonathan works there. Scotty: Oh, I thought you guys talked. Saul: We did. I told him that he probably gave me HIV in the '80s. It was a very nice chat. Kevin: Ow. Saul: Hi, sweetheart. Hi. Paige: Hi. What are you guys doing home? Kevin: We live here. Scotty: How's your homework coming? Paige: It's good. Um, I'm doing an essay on Anne Frank. Kevin: Ooh. Paige: But I... I could really use a break. I'd love to take a walk. Do you guys want to take a walk? Scotty: Where? Paige: Out...side. Kevin: Paige, we live in L.A. no one's ever willingly walked around the block to talk about anything. Saul: I do it all the time. Paige: See? Kevin: What's going on? Is everything all right? Paige: Yeah. I've just been a little cooped up. That's all. Kevin: Is someone hiding back there? Paige: Yes. Scotty: It's not Anne Frank, is it? Whoever is in there can come on out. Sean: Hey. Saul: No, not at all. It's no trouble. We'll have someone come by this afternoon with some more pamphlets. Yeah. No, we're... we're... we're just glad that the students are... are looking at them, yeah. Okay. If you need anything else, why don't you just call? Okay, yeah. Bye. Jonathan:How's it going? Saul: Great. That was the school nurse. They need more pamphlets. Jonathan: Sounds encouraging. Saul: Yeah. Jonathan: But I meant, how are you doing? Saul: Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Jonathan: Incredibly, I just found out you're volunteering here. Saul: Today's my last day. My nephew had some things he wanted to donate, so I brought them in, and I figured I'd answer the phone while I was here. Jonathan: Oh, I'm sorry you're leaving. It would've been nice to see you around. Saul... I wish there was something I could say. Saul: There isn't. Take care, Jonathan. Jonathan: Take care, Saul. Kevin: And then we grounded her for the rest of the night. Scotty: And I unplugged the wi-fi so she couldn't get online. Kevin: We had dinner, and then we just worked on Anne Frank. Scotty: And that's all. I, I know, 'cause I lost my wallet, and I was chained to the phone canceling my credit cards. I was watching her like a hawk. Kevin: I think we're upset because this happened on our watch. Scotty: Yeah, I mean, as guardians, we just... Sarah: That's it? That's why I had to rush straight here from the airport? That's why I had to give a guy 20 bucks to cut in the taxi line? Scotty: Well, we didn't want to tell you on the phone. Sarah: Oh, God. I... I thought she'd burned the restaurant down or something. Kevin: Oh, well, sorry for overreacting. Sarah: No, I... I mean it's... It's sweet, actually. Kevin: Sweet? We found her hiding a teenage boy in the guest bedroom, Sarah. Sarah: Phillip. Paige has known him since second grade. He's always over at our house, doing homework, hanging out. I don't think he knows this yet, but I'm pretty sure he bats for your team. Kevin: Our... Oh. Sarah: Of course, I will have a conversation with Paige about her having somebody over at your apartment without your permission. Scotty: Mm-hmm. Sarah: But, um, can I give you two some... Parents-to-be advice? Kevin: Yeah. Sarah: Just relax. Now I am gonna go home and take a shower. Scotty: Uh, S-Sarah, his name wasn't Phillip. Scotty: It was, uh... Kevin: Sean. Scotty, Kevin: S-Sean. Sarah: Football player Sean? Kevin: Maybe. He was wearing a Jersey. Scotty: Yeah, number 17. Sarah: You're kidding me. No. Why didn't you tell me that on the message? Kevin: That's what we've been trying to do. Sarah: Oh, I'm gonna kill her. Or I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill someone. Kevin: Well, what's this, part of the door? Scotty: Well, if you'd read the instructions... Kevin: No, they make no sense. Scotty: Here, Kevin, give that to me. It's a support piece. Kevin: No, I have to learn how to do stuff like this. Scotty: Kevin, there are so many things we're gonna have to deal with as parents. Don't obsess over something I can do. Kevin: Fine. I think this whole Paige thing has been a real wake-up call. Scotty: Yeah, I know. Parenting's not a day at the beach. Kevin: No, but that's exactly how I've been picturing it, with beach towels and cheap little sunglasses and cute flip-flops. Scotty: God. You have it bad. Kevin: Well, how have you been picturing it? Scotty: Well, the same way, except for with ballet lessons and shopping for outfits... Kevin: Oh, stop. You're gonna drive me nuts. Scotty: Oh, it's Jill. Hello. Oh, that's fantastic. She found my wallet. I must've left it there. Kevin: Oh. Scotty: Oh. Wow. Uh, y-yeah, of course. We'll be there as soon as possible. Thank you. Kevin: What is it? Scotty: I didn't lose my wallet. Olivia stole it. Kevin: Wh... That's nuts. Scotty: Yeah. I guess she picked my pocket when she hugged me. Kevin: So should we be, like, good cop, bad cop? Scotty: The trouble is, I feel more like hurt and confused cop. Kevin: Imagine being that wounded at 9 years old, you don't trust anyone. Jill: Olivia, Kevin and Scotty would like to talk to you. I'll give you a little privacy. Kevin: Thank you. Scotty: I guess you know why we want to talk to you. Olivia: Because I stole your wallet, and you don't want to see me anymore. Kevin: No, we do want to see you again, but we do have to talk about what you did. Scotty: Do you want to tell us why you took it? Olivia: It's fun to do bad things. Scotty: Okay, so you know what you did was bad. Olivia: Can I go now? Kevin: No, you can't. Olivia, we have to know that you won't do anything like this again. Olivia: You're not my parents. Scotty: No, we're not your parents yet. But we're going to be. Olivia: I don't want you guys to be my parents. Scotty: Ol-Olivia, um... Why don't you tell us why it is you're so upset with us? Olivia: You don't understand anything because you're stupid. Just leave me alone, okay? I'm telling Jill that I don't want to be with you guys for a weekend or ever. Scotty: Olivi... Olivia. Kevin: So now what do we do? Scotty: I don't know. ♪ I Got A Mind To Tell You ♪ by Spencer Day ♪ Listen Saul:Mmmm. Jonathan: Saul. Saul: Jonathan. Well, I seem to be seeing you everywhere these days. Bartender: Can I get you a drink? Saul: Uh, listen, sweetheart. Would... would you just leave us alone for a second? Bartender: Sure. Saul: Thanks. Look, Jonathan, I don't know what you want from me. Whether you want forgiveness or absolution, I don't know. Whatever it is, I can't give it to you. Do you understand? Jonathan: Saul, we were friends once. I just hoped we could be again. Saul: We were friends? What are you talking about? Jonathan: Well, I guess that's not possible under the circumstances. Saul: No. Jonathan: But you were right. I... I came here for forgiveness. But that was all about me. I pride myself on being a better person than before, but... my behavior has been just as selfish as it ever was. I won't bother you again. Take care, Saul. Scotty: I've never felt so rejected in my life. Kevin: We, we, we talked to Jill, and technically... Scotty: Maybe this is the universe's way of telling us something. Kevin: She can't stop the placement, but she stole his wallet. Scotty: I don't know what to do. We really have no idea what to do. Kevin: No. Sarah: Are you guys done? Scotty: Idon't know. Scotty: Are we? Kevin: No.. That's why we're here, to ask you. Sarah: You don't think there are days like yesterday where I don't wish I could give my kids back? Kevin: We wouldn't be giving her back, 'cause we don't even have her yet. Sarah: Wait, you're seriously considering... Kevin: Yeah, we have to be realistic. Maybe this isn't the right fit. I mean, she made it clear, she did not want to be with us. Sarah: Clear schmear. It's okay to be afraid, you know? You would be fools if you weren't. But if you're really not sure you want Olivia in your lives, then you should walk away now before you cause her any more damage. Scotty: No, it's not that we're not sure that we want her, Sarah. It's that we don't know if she wants us. Kevin: Yeah. Sarah: Scotty, she is 9 years old. She's been let down by adults her whole life. She's got no idea what she wants. Listen, you are gonna ask her to do things she doesn't want to do, you'll say things she doesn't want to hear, and you'll make her go places she doesn't want to go. And the whole time, she'll be looking at you with her eyes full of loathing, and you'll suck it up because you will love her. It's a dance, and I tell you, it's a dance that you'll be doing for the next ten years, but I don't know two other people who are more willing and more able to give that child the home that she needs. Scotty: Wow, that was like you were just channeling Nora. Sarah: Well, it's a parent thing. Paige: Hi. Kevin: Hi. Sarah: Hi. Paige, do you have something that you would like to say to your uncles before you go upstairs to finish your homework? Paige: I'm sorry that I had someone in your apartment without your permission... Even though nothing bad happened. Sarah: Paige. Paige: I'm sorry. Kevin: Thank you, Paige. Scotty: Thanks. Paige: And just so you guys know, Sean told me it was okay to let you know that he told me in strict confidence that he thinks he might be gay, and he just wanted to talk to you guys about it. Kevin: Sure. Sarah: Wait. Sean thinks he's gay? I thought Phillip was... Paige: Gay? Sarah: Yeah. Paige: Uh, no. He has a girlfriend. Sarah: He does? Paige: Don't worry. It's not me. Sarah: See? The dance continues. Saul: Jonathan. Morning. Jonathan: How's it going? Saul: It's nice here in the mornings, very quiet. Jonathan: Mm. Saul: People don't start calling till around 10:00. I was rude to you yesterday, very rude, and I, I want to apologize. Jonathan: Oh, you don't have to apologize. Saul: You said that you like to think of yourself as a different person than the one that I knew years ago. Jonathan: I sure hope so. Saul: Well, I am, too. Yeah. I don't know. It's such a... it's such a different world. I don't really know exactly when it happened. Do you know that my nephew and his husband are about to become fathers? I mean, imagine, when we were in our 30s... Jonathan: Oh, please. The only gay fathers I knew back then were daddies, and that's not quite the same thing. Saul: No, it's not quite the same. And... and actually, I think it took its toll. I think we paid dearly for it. I forgive you, Jonathan. Jonathan: Saul... Saul: No, seriously. Seriously. You have any idea how many people died before they had a chance to say those words? Jonathan: Well, some things are unforgivable. Saul: Yes, that's true. Some things are. But what you did... What we did isn't. Oh, God. God, how I fantasized about you for years, Jonathan. When you were anchoring, I never missed a broadcast. Jonathan: Till they kicked me out because I was... Saul: Because you were a drunk, yes, I know. And such a cute drunk you were. But a drunk nonetheless. Jonathan: Mm. Saul: And I ignored it. Yeah, because I was so busy flailing around, trying to connect with someone because I was so lonely. Jonathan: The world did not make it easy for us. Saul: Ah, the world is waking up. Must be 10:00. Jonathan: Then I'll leave you to it. Good morning, Saul. Saul: Good morning, Jonathan. Outreach. How can I help you? Kevin: So this is how it's gonna work. If there's any more stealing, there will be consequences. Scotty: And if you need money, talk to us, and we'll decide whether or not it's appropriate. Kevin: Olivia, do you think you could look at us when we talk to you? Olivia: Why do you guys still want me? Kevin: Because we're gonna be your parents, and there's nothing you can say or do that'll change our mind. Olivia: But you guys don't know who I am. Scotty: Okay. Then tell us. Who are you? Olivia: I don't know. I stole money from you. You figure it out. Scotty: Do you want to know what I think? I think that you are a beautiful smart, strong-willed girl that got scared that things weren't going to end well. So you decided to take something, thinking that's all you could get. Olivia: What if you guys decide you don't like living with me? Kevin: That's not an option. We will learn to get along, to trust one another. You know what? I bet we're gonna love living with you. Olivia: And if I don't like living with you, I can't change my mind and come back here? Scotty: Well, it would make us very sad if you weren't happy, but we're gonna be a family anyway. We have a responsibility to each other now. Olivia: I hope we like living with each other. Kevin: I think we're gonna be just fine. Olivia: Thanks for the gummi bears. Kevin: You're welcome.

Role Playing (S5E11)

Season 5 Episode 11

Scandalized First Aired: 02/Jan/2011

<< S5E10 S5E12 >>

Jill: It's important to be... Audience: Realistic. Jill: Realistic, that's right. The foster system isn't perfect. It's important to be honest about what types of cases you're willing to take on. Now today, I'd like to get started with everyone's favorite... role-playing. Any volunteers? Kevin: Oh. No, I don't want to. Jill: Um, Scotty, Kevin, come on up. Kevin: Great. Why do you always do this to us? I'm still traumatized from the diaper Olympics. Jill: Okay, now have a seat in our living room. And this is your son. Scotty: Oh, great. We'll call him Vinny. Kevin: Vinny? Scotty: There was a, uh, "Jersey Shore" marathon on last night. Jill: Vinny's a nice name. Okay. I'm gonna be playing myself. Ready? Knock, knock. Scotty: Oh, hello, Jill. Jill: Mr. and Mr. Walker, I regret to inform you that Vinny's mom has decided to reclaim her parental rights to her son. Scotty: Well, that's ridiculous. We've had Vinny for over a month now, and she just wants him back? Kevin: Scotty, the law clearly states, the birth mother has days to change her mind, so we have no choice. Scotty: Kevin, he's our son. Kevin: I think what Jill wants to see here is our ability to handle whatever comes our way, including this. So why don't you give Vinny to me? Scotty: No, I'm sorry. This is wrong. Kevin: It's a doll, Scotty. Come on. Jill: Oh, Kevin, please, stay in character. Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: Okay. Jill: Would you guys like to say your good-byes now? Scotty: Isn't there anything else we can do? Jill: I'm afraid there isn't. Scotty: Okay, Mr. Practical, you handle it. Kevin: I'm, um... I'm sorry it didn't work out, Vinny. Good-bye. Scotty: Oh... Kevin: Oh, okay. All right, you little monkey, papa Scotty and I, we... we love you very much, but your mom has changed her mind and wants you back. So... as much as it breaks our hearts to say this, we have to let you go. You'll never know how much we wanted to keep you. Make sure she's good to him. Wow. Does everyone cry or just the gay dads? Kitty: Oh. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is Kevin. He's texting me. "The skinny minnie web site... picked up the story, and there's a picture." Seth: What? Kitty: Oh, no. Seth: What? Kitty: You look like you're 16 in that picture. Seth: Uh, that's because I am 16 in that picture. This is my high school yearbook photo. Kitty: Shut up. Nora: Why doesn't she call? Kevin: Because she's probably too busy reading this. "Kitty Walker McCallister and son of Dean in sex scandal." Nora: Where are you reading this crap? Kevin: The online political rags. They're calling Seth her "Boy toy barista." Nora: Oh, my God. It's completely absurd. I mean, Kitty is... is not even a politician anymore. Kevin: I know. I can't believe the attention she's getting either. She's even trending on Twitter. It's like the good ol' days. Oh, wow. Look at this picture of him. He looks like the sixth member of 'Nsync. Nora: Aw. Kevin: Oh, crap-o. "After robbing the Dean's cradle, Kitty M... or should I say Cougar Walker McCallister, has been teaching at Wexley University for the past month"... Nora: Stop. Stop. You're practically salivating, reading all this trash. Kevin: Sorry. Guess I didn't realize how much I miss political scandal. Nora: Oh, I have something for you. Here. This is your letter of recommendation. Kevin: Oh. Nora: Give it to your social worker. I hope you're a better father than you are a brother. Kevin: Ouch. Nora: Yeah. Is that Kitty? Kevin: "O.M.G. O.M.G. Paparazzi at my house." Nora: Paparazzi? My God. The world has gone mad. Kevin: "Have you talked to mom yet?" Nora: Give me the phone. Kevin: No, it takes you, like, five minutes to type "hello." I'm with mom right now. Sending all our support and love... and acne cream. Nora: Kevin. What did she say? Kevin: "Screw you, Kevin." Nora: A-ha. Tell her this is completely ridiculous. She is allowed to date whomever she wants. Type it. Go. Type it. Kevin: Okay. Nora: And besides that, you know, Seth is really a nice boy..... Man. What? What does she say? Kevin: "Can I come to mom's tonight? Safer there." Nora: Yes. Tell her yes, yes. Karl is coming, too, but he's just gonna have to deal with it. Tell her to bring Seth. Kevin: Well, now I want to come, too. Nora: No. Kevin: Why? Nora: Absolutely not. You'll spend the whole evening making fun of her. Kevin: I won't. Nora: What does she say? Kevin: "Ask mom if you can come, too." Nora: Oh, all right. Everybody can come. Kevin: Great. Um... Karl does like us, right? Nora: Yes. Yes. He likes you very much. Kevin: Good. Nora: In moderation. Kevin: Oh. Uh-oh. Nora: Look, would you do me a favor and please be on your best behavior tonight? He... he never had a family before. Kevin: So you're gonna start him off on ours? Nora: It's the only one I've got. Kevin: Well, tell him to drink more. Nora: Look, Karl is a wonderful, highly intelligent man. All right. Okay. He... he's a little stiff. But he... h... he wants to try to change. Kevin: Well, then tonight should be fun. Nora: Yeah. Kevin: Ooh. "Later. I'm off to see the Dean." Nora: What are you writing? Kevin: Have fun in detention. Jill: Everything seems to be in order. Excellent letters of recommendation. You indicated here in your preferences that you'd be willing to consider any case, regardless of gender, race, or age? Kevin: That's right. When we started this, we were working with a surrogate, and, um... I don't know if it's because that didn't work out, but we're more interested in being parents rather than passing on our genes. Jill: You're doing a great thing. Okay, I know this is quick, but there's an adoption fair tomorrow, if you guys are interested. Scotty: Uh, what's that? Jill: It's an event where potential parents can meet and interact with children who are looking to be placed into families. There are 30,000 kids in foster care here in L.A. I'll give you two a minute to talk. Just let me know. Kevin: Thank you. Scotty: What?You... you look nervous. Kevin: No, no, no, no. I'm excited. It's just, I... I don't know. I thought... I guess I expected we'd be getting a phone call and a placement. But n... now, what, we have to meet a bunch of kids and figure it out? Scotty: Well, I mean, you heard what Jill said. 30,000 kids. Kevin: Exactly, so how do we choose the right one? Nora: Karl had the most wonderful book signing today. It was like Robert Redford came to town. Seth: Oh, which one's Robert Redford? Karl: Oh, Butch Cassidy, Sundance Kid. Kevin: "The Way We Were," Barbra Streisand. Don't tell me you don't know who Barbra Streisand is. Kitty: Uh, news flash. He's straight, Kevin. Seth: No, no, no, um, "The Way We Were," right. My mom, uh, my mom loves Barbra Streisand. Kevin: Oh. How's she doing, your mother? Seth: Oh, she's not happy. Kitty: Oh, she was actually quite lovely. Kevin: Which one is it? Nora: Karl, you like Barbra Streisand, too, don't you? Karl: Yes. Scotty: Karl, what's your book called? Karl: "The Empowered Unconscious." Nora: Oh. It's about using your past to really guide you... Karl: I'm sure they're not interested in my little self-help book, Nora. Nora: Self-help? No, I would write a self-help book. But it's quite brilliant, and filled with these wonderful little... Karl: Uh, this chicken is delicious. Nora: Thank you. Kitty: Mom can make roast chicken like peanut butter and jelly. She can do it in her sleep. Seth: Well, uh, I've been having a lot of pb&js these days, and let me tell you, this is a lot better. Kitty: Well, Seth, you can come over anytime. Nora: I would be delighted to make you... Kitty: No, no, mom. Mom, he's just... he's just joking. He doesn't have that many pb&js. He eats a lot of food. He likes a lot of food. He likes, um, you like sushi, right? Seth: Um, yeah, yeah. I... I like sushi. Um, it's expensive, so I can't, uh... Kitty: How is the adoption going, guys? Kevin: Fine. Scotty: It's great. Well, actually, we are thinking about going to an adoption fair tomorrow. Nora: What's an adoption fair? Kevin: Why don't you tell 'em, Scotty? Scotty: Well, uh, it's a fair where prospective parents get to meet with kids that need homes. Kevin: Yeah, about 20, descending on you at the same time, because that makes it so much easier to bond with... Scotty: Stop being so dramatic. Kevin: I'm not. I'm sorry. I just find the whole thing weird. And I can't imagine how it feels for them. They must feel like they're being sold, like puppies in a window. Nora: Kevin, there's no need to shout. Kevin: I'm not shouting. Nora: Karl, have you ever done any studies about foster adoptions? Karl: Mnh-mnh. Kevin: Well, maybe you could do one on the children who don't get picked. I'm sure that would be a happy ending. Scotty: Kevin, it's a way for people like us to get introduced to kids that are stuck in the system. Come on. Nora: Let's... let's just talk about something else. Would anyone like some more chicken? Kitty: Oh, God, no. Kevin: No, thanks. Seth: Yeah. I'd love some. Nora: Finally. Someone with an appetite. Kevin: Well, he has been living on pb&js, mom. Kitty: He has not been living on pb&js, Kevin. Seth: Well, you know, that and ramen noodles, right? Uh, I'm... I'm kidding. Scotty: My parents live near Phoenix. Seth: Hmm? Scotty: Your... Seth: Oh. Uh, no. It's, um, it's a band. Kitty didn't know either. Kitty: No, Kitty didn't know either. Nora: Well, you both have very different cultural references. Kitty: Mom, he's not in high school. Kevin: Not according to the bloggers. Kitty: All right. You know what, Kevin? Fine. You've been waiting all night. Let the jokes begin. Kevin: Seth, I swear, she invited me tonight. Nora: Kevin. Kevin: What? Karl: You know, this has been a lovely dinner. But it's getting late, so... Nora: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't leave. I made a pie. Kitty: Pie. Kevin: Great. Karl: Right. Well, I should probably stay for some pie, then. Nora: So would anyone like some more pie? Karl: Mnh-mnh. Kitty: Oh, mnh-mnh. Scotty: No, thanks. Seth: I'd love some. Kevin: Well, good. You know, we could put some in tupperware and you could take it home if you want. Kitty: You know, Kevin, just because you always have to diet doesn't mean that you should make fun of people who have a higher metabolism than you do. Nora: Children. Kitty, Kevin: Children? Scotty: Karl, do you have any children? Karl: No. Nora: So, Seth... How is school? Kitty: Oh, no, no, no. No, no, he's not just in school, mom. He... he's a writer. Seth: Yeah, I'm working on a novel, uh, right now. Kitty: And he's also working on some short stories. Karl: Oh, have you been published, Seth? Seth: No, I... Kitty: Well, no, no, he hasn't been published. I mean, let's talk about it. How hard is it to get published in this day and age? Seth: Well, you did it, Karl did it, so... Kitty: Well, yes, Karl, but he's... Seth: He's older and more established. You know, you don't have to make excuses for me. Kitty: I'm not making excuses for you. Seth: You've been answering questions for me all night long. A... are you afraid that I'm gonna embarrass you or... Kitty: Well, not until now. Seth: Have you ever even read the short story that I gave you weeks ago, huh? Kitty: No. Seth: That's what I thought. Unbelievable. Karl: Well, as I said before, I think it's time for me to go. Nora: No, no, no, Karl, sit down. Sit down. Sit down. We have talked enough about other people's problems. Let's... let's talk about your book. I know sometimes you have to shout to be heard around here. Karl: Well, you know, the problem is, is I don't want to shout. Frankly, this entire meal feels like a group therapy session to me, and usually those come in 50-minute increments. Nora: You said you wanted to get to know my children. You said you were a control freak... Karl: Oh, for God sake, Nora. I told you that in confidence, not so you could broadcast it to an entire room full of... Nora: A room of... of what, strangers? Karl, these are not strangers. Karl: I'm feeling very uncomfortable right now, so... good night. Kevin: They're all so cute. Why are they so cute? Scotty: Kevin, you said if you came, you would just try to be... Kevin: I... I know. Okay, okay. But it's just... I don't know where to begin. Scotty: Well, we'll just be ourselves. Remember what Jill said. See who we connect with. Kevin: Connect with? What, is this speed dating? I'm sorry, Scotty. I don't think I can do this. Scotty: Kev... Olivia: Hey, are you guys here for the fair? Scotty: Yeah. Olivia: Cool. I'm Olivia. And I can show you around if you want. Scotty: Oh, that would... that'd be great. Um, I'm Scotty, and this is my husband Kevin. Olivia: No way. You guys are gay? Kidding. So here's the deal... a couple of the younger kids, they're really shy when it comes to these events. So, like, I was thinking, maybe it would be okay if I introduce you to them. Scotty: That'd be great. Kevin: Yeah. That would be great. Olivia: Nice. Come on. Scotty: Oh. Kevin: Oh, wow. Jill: Well, if there's somebody that you made a connection with, you can fill out the child's name on this list. It's a preferential. You rank the kids in order of the top five that you're interested in, and we have them do the same, and if there's a match, then we'll take it from there. Scotty: Wow. It's... it's like a fraternity rush. Jill: Take your time. Kevin: Thank you. Scotty: Thanks. Kevin: So this is it? Scotty: I don't know how we're supposed to choose. Olivia: Are you guys leaving? Kevin: Yeah. Olivia: Cool. I just wanted to say, it was really nice to meet you guys. Kevin: Oh, thank you. That's so sweet. Olivia: Okay. Bye. Kevin: Bye. Scotty: Bye. Kevin: I think she just chose us.