Season 5 Episode 3

Faking It First Aired: 10/Oct/2010

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Kitty: Hi, Kevin. Kevin: Do you want to call Sarah and sing "Happy Birthday" in a round? It really annoys her. Kitty: How bored are you? Kevin: Very. Kitty: Why doesn't this woman have a real coffee maker? Kevin: What woman? Kitty: Oh, the woman I rented this house from. What's her name? Here you go... "Leslie Culpepper." Kevin: So how is it up in Ojai? Have you found yourself yet? Kitty: Um, well... not... not exactly. But I have discovered that peace and quiet is actually very quiet and peaceful as long as your siblings don't call. Kevin: What, country life, you like it? Kitty: Don't tell me you're getting all "Little house on the prairie" on us. Kevin: Uh, you know, I am. I'm gonna start churning butter before you know it, and I'm gonna grow one of those crazy, long ponytails down my back or... maybe a bun. Kevin: Are we singing or not? Sarah: Hello. Kitty: ♪ Happy Birthday to you... ♪ Sarah: Oh, just stop that right there, the only thing more annoying than listening to you sing is if Kevin joins in in a round. Kevin: Hi, Sarah. Sarah: Oh. Hi, Kevin. Kevin: Hey. Kitty: So, Sarah, how does it feel to be the older sister? Sarah: Uh, good, good. You know, it's good. It's good. It's like any other year. Kevin: I can't believe how old we're getting. It's so depressing. Sarah: Yeah, so, um, Kitty, how is it going up in Ojai? Kitty: You know, I actually think I like it. I mean, it... it's very simple. It's very simple. People cook, people garden. And you know what? Nobody recognizes me here. I could be anybody. Kevin: It's like that summer at camp I told everyone I was a teenage spy. Kitty: Oh, my God. Soufflé. I've always wanted to make soufflé. I swear to you, this time, I'm gonna learn how to cook. Luc: See you tonight... Kevin: Blueberry scone, but it was low fat. I'd give up national secrets for a good scone. Sarah: Okay, listen, here's the deal... no one is gonna talk any more about my... birthday. Okay? Kitty: Why? Sarah: There'll be no presents, no flowers, and absolutely no cake with candles. Kevin: What are you talking about? Sarah: I'm just not into it this year, guys. Kitty: That's gonna be really hard, Sarah, because Luc is planning a surprise dinner for you. Sarah: No, he's not. No, no. We're just going out, just the two of us, very low-key. Kevin: Wrong! It's at the restaurant, and we're all invited. Kitty: I'm sorry, Sarah. I know how you hate surprises. Sarah: Okay, listen, you've gotta call him. Kitty, call him and just tell him that you can't make it. I mean, you live up in Ojai. It's a really good excuse. Kevin: Well... what's my excuse? I live upstairs. Sarah: I don't know. You've gotta wash your hair. Kevin, I don't care. You're just... you're not going. Kitty: Wait a minute. You really don't want me to come? Sarah: No. Kevin: Come on. It'll be fun. Remember your 40th? I was so drunk. Sarah: Yes, I do. That's the problem. Kitty: Well, why is it a problem? Sarah: Because... Luc thinks today is my 40th birthday. Kevin: Sarah. I'm impressed. Kitty: Oh, my God. You've been lying about your age all this time? Sarah: Yes. So just... you have to keep your mouths shut, the two of you, okay? Kevin: Good luck with that, because you know at some point... Sooner or later, it's... Kitty: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sarah: Kitty, are you all right? Kitty: No, no, no, you know what? Everything's fine. Everything's fine. It's just a... a little plumbing issue. Jack: There isn't too much damage. I should be able to get it up and working in an hour, two max. Kitty: Wow. Wow. Well, that's great. Thanks very much. Jack: Sorry it took me so long to get here. Traffic on the bridge. Kitty: Yeah, you know, I, um, I kind of grew up here, so I totally get it. Jack: I thought you looked kind of familiar. Kitty: Y... yeah. Yeah, yeah. You've probably seen me at the farmers' market and... Um, but, you know, I wanted to just say thank you for coming on such short notice, because it... it definitely was kind of an emergency. Jack: No problem at all. Anything to keep me from this other job I'm working on. Renters from the city. They walk around with those Bluetooth things attached to their ears all day. Kitty: Yeah. No, that is... that is terrible. I... ugh. I totally, totally know the type. Jack: It's like they're so busy climbing that ladder, they're missing out on everything else... the simple things, you know? Kitty: Yeah, I know. Jack: Before you know it, another beautiful day has come and gone, and they haven't even noticed. Sad, isn't it? Kitty: Uh, yeah. Yeah, it is. It is sad. Jack: Agents, plastic surgeons... Kitty: No. Jack: Movie stars... Kitty: Yeah. Jack: We get 'em all up here. Kitty: Yeah. Jack: But the politicians are the worst. Kitty: That's a... let's... totally fine, totally fine. Just went down the wrong pipe. Jack: I don't need to tell you. You grew up here. You know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself. I'm Jack. Jack Randall. Kitty: Hi. Jack: And you are? Kitty: Culpepper. I'm, uh, Leslie Culpepper. Jack: Nice to meet you, Leslie. Kitty: Mm. Jack: Would you mind handing me that wrench? Kitty: Sure. Um... uh, here. Here. Here you go. Jack: Uh, those are pliers. Kitty: Oh. Oh, right. Jack: It's the red one in there. Kitty: Yeah, right. Of course. Oh, that's heavy. Jack: Thanks. I really like what you've done with the kitchen. It's very homey. I bet you get a lot of cooking done in here. Kitty: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I do a lot of cooking. Jack: What's your specialty? Kitty: Oh, I think it's probably, um, frying. Yeah. I'm a... I'm a pretty good fryer. Kevin: Kitty. Kit. Jack: Uh, I think you got a visitor. Kitty: Yeah, you... you know what? That's right. It's my neighbor. Kevin: Kitty! Kitty: It's my neighbor. He's probably looking for his cat again. Kevin: Kit! Kitty: I'll be right back. Kevin: There you are. Hi. Kitty: Hi. Hi, Kev. Kev, what are you doing here? Kevin: I thought I'd come up and check on you. What was the whole plumbing emergency about? Kitty: Oh, that's fine. No, that's totally fine. No, no, you're... you're, um, it's all good. It's all fine. It's... it's... it's good. Kevin: Oh, okay. Great. Well... You know how hard it is to find this place? Kitty: Hmmmm Kevin: I've been driving around in circles for, like, an hour. Kitty: Kevin, look, it's very, very sweet of you to come all the way up here to check on me, but see, I'm, um... trying to find myself. And I can't find myself if everybody else is trying to find me, too. Kevin: But I've just spent two... Kitty: No buts. Sorry. Sorry. But I need you to take your GPS and go back to wherever you came from. Jack: Leslie? Kevin: What was that? Kitty: What was what? Kevin: Someone just said "Leslie." Kitty: They did? Kevin: Kitty? Kitty: What? Jack: Oh, there you are. You're all set back there, Leslie. Kitty: Okay, great. Thanks. Kevin: Hi. Jack: Hey. You must be the neighbor. Kitty: Yes, he is. He is. He's... he's the neighbor, aren't you? Kevin: I am. Kitty: And sadly, the neighbor, Kevin, has to leave, right? Kevin: Uh, no, no, I've got nowhere to go, Leslie. Kevin: Biggest catfish I ever saw, so I says to Leslie, I says, "we'll have to take it home to cook." Right there, she guts it, debones it, fries it up in front of me. Damnedest thing I ever saw. But that's just the way she rolls. Speaking of rolls... Kitty: Kevin. Kevin, stop. We don't want to bore poor Jack. Jack: Oh, I should, uh, probably get my things anyway. I have another job to get to. You mind if I use your washroom? Kitty: Oh, gosh. Not at all. Not at all. It's, um, it's right over there, to the left. What are you doing? Kevin: What am I doing? Kitty: Yes, what are you doing? Kevin: I'm not the one who's Leslie all of a sudden. Kitty: Look, Kevin, that was an accident. Kevin: An... Kitty: No, it was. He was going on and on about all the city people who come up here and ruin it for everybody else, and he said that the politicians were the worst. Kevin: Well... Kitty: And for some strange reason, he didn't recognize me, and I didn't want to embarrass the poor guy. Kevin: Oh, no. Kitty: And plus, I'm not so keen on being myself right now. So fine. Okay? It was a two bird, one stone kind of thing. Kevin: Of course, and the fact that he's smoking hot has nothing to do with it. Kitty: What? Kevin: Oh, don't pretend like you haven't noticed. I'm feeling the chemistry here. Kitty: Oh, my God. You're insane. Kevin, I just buried my husband. Kevin: Okay, Kit, besides you, there is no one who misses Robert more than I do. But we both know that he left us a long time ago. It is okay to think about the future. You might not know that, but I think Leslie does. Jack: Okay. Well, I'm outta here. It was nice meeting you, Leslie. Kitty: Oh, it was really nice to meet you, too, Jack. Kevin: Jack, what are you doing tonight? Kitty: What... what are you... Jack: Uh, why do you ask? Kevin: Well, Leslie was gonna cook me dinner, but now I have a thing, so she'll be all alone. Kitty: Kevin... Jack: Well, no, it'd be a shame to waste all that good food. Kitty: You know what? Don't listen to him. He's medicated. He... Kevin: I'm... Jack: No, he's right. It would be a shame. Kitty: Oh. Well... okay. Okay, well, gr... okay. Do... do you want to come back and have dinner with me later? Jack: Sure. I'll bring, uh, a bottle of wine? What are you cooking? Kevin: Yeah, Leslie, what are you cooking? Kitty: A soufflé. Jack: Oh. Great. Eight o'clock okay? Kitty: Eight would be, uh, great. Jack: I'll see you then. Kitty: Okay. Kevin: "Eight would be great"? Kitty: Well... ♪ My Favourite Book ♪ by Stars ♪ Listen Sarah:Mmm. Luc: This is such a special occasion, and I want to thank Scotty for making it perfect. Scotty: Yeah. Well, anything for the birthday girl. Sarah: Thank you. Kevin: And Kitty really wanted to be here, but, you know, she's got a lot going on up in Ojai. Sarah: Actually, it's nice just to have a small, intimate celebration. It's good. I like it. Scotty: Well, I'm going to get the next course. Um, Luc would you mind helping me in the kitchen? Luc: Of course. We'll be right back. Sarah: Mm. Kevin: I cannot believe you're pulling this off. You're such a good liar. She'd have made a great lawyer. Nora: Sarah, this is ridiculous. You have to tell him the truth about your age. Sarah: I will, mom. I will... when I'm 80. Kevin: Or maybe next year I'll have my 30th. What do you think? Nora: Ha. Kevin: Oh, it's Kitty. Sarah: Oh, I'm so glad she didn't come. She would never have been able to keep her big mouth shut. Kevin: Hi, Kit. Kitty: Kevin, this is all your fault. I can't tell whether this stupid thing is done or not. I'm not allowed to open the oven. I mean, you come up here and you starting filling my head with all of this stuff. I'm putting you on speakerphone. And now I'm having dinner with some lumberjack that I don't even know. Kevin: Okay, slow down. Kitty: Why did I say that I was gonna make a soufflé. I coulda... I coulda made a chicken. Kevin: Because it's perfect. Come on. Relax. How hard can a soufflé be? Nora: Gimme that. Kevin: Okay. Nora: It's okay, honey. I'm here. Kitty: Okay, so how do you know when a freakin' soufflé is finished? Kevin: She's cooking. Nora: Well, I don't know. What time did you put it in? Kitty: Oh, God. I don't know. What, like three Chardonnay's ago? Nora: Well, that could be the problem. Sarah: Okay, why is Kitty cooking? Kevin: She's changing it up, getting out of her comfort zone. It's good for her. Sarah: Huh. Oh, speaking of changing it up, you'll never believe where mom and I went today. Kevin: Where? Sarah: A plastic surgeon. Kevin: You're kidding me. I wanna get my eyes done. Sarah: Yeah? Kevin: Yeah. Sarah: For real? Kevin: Which surgeon? Sarah: Oh, he was... Nora: Sarah, that... that was our secret. Kitty: Secret? Well, why do you have a secret with Sarah? Sarah: Well, it's only Kevin, mom. Kevin: Yeah. Nora: Stop it. Now stop it, Sarah. I told you that it was private. Kitty: Private? Nora: Are you trying to embarrass me? Sarah: No, not at all. I really didn't think it was such a big deal. Kitty: Oh, you know, this isn't fair. I always miss all of the good stuff. Nora: Kitty, focus, focus. All right? Kitty, now listen, did you beat the egg whites until they were stiff? Kitty: No, mother. I beat them until they were dead. Nora: Well, then I think you should just... take it out. Kitty: Really? Okay. Okay. I... I can do that. I can do that. Here I go. I'm taking it out. Sarah: Come on, mom. I already said I was sorry. Kevin: Nope. Don't think she's talking to you. Sarah: Listen, it... it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone gets plastic surgery done these days. Kevin: Yeah. Look, she's... Nora: Sarah, God, would you keep your voice down? Do you have to tell the whole restaurant? It's bad enough you told Kevin. Kevin: I'm not judging. Sarah: Mom, it's no big deal. I mean, it's funny. Nora: Well, I'm glad you thought it was funny, miss 40-something with the model boyfriend. But in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not laughing. Sarah: Look, mom, I don't mean to be insensitive. One day, I'll be as old as you. Nora: Well, that's fine, but you're not now. It's... it's embarrassing and humiliating to be an older woman in this country, where everything of value is young and new, and I very clearly am not. Saul: Hello. Sorry we're late. Justin: Hey. Sarah: My God. What... what are you guys doing here? I thought you couldn't make it. Justin: No, no, it's, uh, it's my fault. Sorry. I got caught up in my own crap, and I hijacked Saul. Saul: Rebecca stopped by. Justin: Saul. Sarah: Are you two getting back together? Justin: No, we're not getting back together. Nora: Justin, wait, stop. Give her some time. Uh, is she still mad? Justin: Yes, mom, she's still mad at me. Sarah: Could you sit down together and, like, apologize... Justin: Look, this is not something that we can work out with an apology, so let's just drop it. Sarah: Okay. Fine. Nora: But, Justin. Justin: Mom... Nora: That would be a start. Look, sweetheart, you have to talk all of this out. That's what you have to do. Justin: Mom... Nora: Honestly, she... she'll come back. Justin: No, she won't, mom. Nora: Well, how do you know that? Justin: 'Cause we're divorced! All: What? What? Justin: We're divorced, guys. Look, she filed for the papers while I was in Afghanistan. It's over, so drop it. Sarah: Oh, my God. Kevin: Justin, I'm so sorry. Justin: Just drop it. Scotty: Oh, you guys made it. Perfect timing, because... Ha.... Luc: No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.Before we sing, there's just one thing I want to say. All right, Sarah. Uh... Il n'ya qu'un seul bonheur dans la vie est d'aimer et d'être aimé. In English, there's only one happiness in life, it's to love and be loved. Bon anniversaire, mon amour. Justin: 40? Yeah, right, Sarah. Like, 30 years ago. Kevin: Oh, Justin.