Season 5 Episode 4

Righteous Kiss First Aired: 17/Oct/2010

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Kitty: Mm. Oh. Ah. Ah. Hey, Kev. Kevin: Just calling to see how it's going up there. Kitty: Everything's... Everything's fine. Kevin: You sure? What's that sound? Kitty: I'm just pounding a very stubborn pole. Kevin: Ooh. Really? I once spent a hot weekend in Aspen with a guy from Warsaw. Saul: It's nine O'clock in the morning. That's gross. Kitty: I am pounding a wooden post... into the ground because I am helping to build a pergola on Pondfield road. Kevin: Okay, whatever it is you're trying to hide, you're gonna have to come up with a better story. Kitty: Okay, go to video, and I'll prove it. Kevin: Going video. Kitty: Okay. Do you see this cut? Mm-hmm. I made that cut. How many former senatorial candidates do you know that could make a cut like that? Kevin: Wait, is that Jack, the guy I met, the one you cooked dinner for? Scotty: Kitty cooked dinner for a guy? I'm impressed. Kevin: So did this pounding start this morning, or was it continuous? Kitty: This morning. This morning, okay? And... and... this is purely professional. I am the apprentice, and he is the boss. Jack: That Kevin? Kevin: Oh, let me say hi. Kitty: All right. Well, you behave yourself. Jack: Hey. How's it going? Scotty: Hi, I'm Scotty. Jack: Hey, Scotty. Nice to meet you. Kitty: Okay. That's enough. Scotty: Nice work, Kitty. I'm impressed. Kitty: You know what? There is zero going on up here. I am just helping him with a job. Kevin: Come on! Give us another look! Kitty: No. This is not a peep show. Kevin: Oh. Speaking of shows, are we seeing you at Cooper's play? Kitty: No, I-I'm not gonna leave here for a while. Sarah is fine with it, and I sent Cooper cookies. Now if you'll excuse me, my poles need to be drilled. Kevin: All right, I'm done harassing her for the day. Now it's your turn. If she can get that far out of her comfort zone, I think you could invite your friend to Coop's stage debut. Saul: Please. I am not inviting Charlie to a family affair. We're just friends. Scotty: Okay, seeing somebody three times a week is pretty advanced for a friend. Kevin: Yeah, aren't you, uh, aren't you having brunch with him today? Saul: Yeah, so? Scotty: Yeah. Do you always spray on a little Acqua di Parma for a casual brunch? Kevin: Take the cashmere out of the cedar closet? Scotty: Wind up the Patek Philippe? Kevin: Ooh, brush off the suede loafers? Scotty: Trim your cuticles? Saul: Would you stop? Just stop. Stop. Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps he doesn't like me as much as I like him? Scotty: Oh, come on. How could he not? Saul: I don't know, but until there's incontrovertible proof that he does, I am not inviting him to my great nephew's production of "Romeo and Juliet," and that's it. And just shut up. Scotty: Oh. Sarah: Okay, uh, where's my grommet puncher? I just had it. It was just here a second ago. You have it. Kevin: That's my grommet puncher. Keep track of your own grommet puncher. Sarah: Well, where is mine? I can't finish lady capulet's dress without a grommet puncher. Charlie: It's right here, Sarah. Sarah: Thank you, Charlie. And thank you for giving up your brunch to come and help me with my wardrobe crisis. Charlie: It's no problem whatsoever. You've eaten one eggs florentine, you've eaten 'em all. Saul: Right, and I'm very happy to pinch hit when my sister's on a mission of mercy. Kevin: Well, it took us two crises to finally meet you, Charlie. Charlie: Before we have a third, Kevin, might I suggest that when you're fixing a skirt to a doublet, you may want to try a cartridge pleat. Kevin: Well, I thought with velvet this heavy, I'd be better off basting and gathering. Charlie: Ah. Ha, Juliet's done. Let me get my hands on Mercutio. Sarah: Oh, my God. Charlie, this beading is extraordinary. Charlie: Well, I guess the hours I spent slaving in the costume mines of the Paris opera are finally paying off. Saul: Wait a minute. You... you made costumes at the Paris opera? Charlie: Well, just for a semester... When I was studying at the Sorbonne, '65. Saul: '65 was the year Renata Tebaldi sang "Lucia di Lammmermoor." Charlie: The performance where she held the high C of "il dolce suono"... Saul: Right. Charlie: For a minute and a half. Saul: Right, they had to flash the lights to get the crowd to stop cheering. Charlie: Didn't stop me. Saul: You heard it? Charlie: I heard it from the costume shop, but I heard it. Sarah: Oh, my God. Look at the time. I can feel the claws of Gloria Pierson-Davenport into my flesh. Ah. Nice timing, Cooper. Come here. I wanna make sure this doublet's long enough on you. Cooper: You should be checking to see if it's long enough for Ricky Berkowitz. Sarah: Why? Who's Ricky Berkowitz? Cooper: The understudy. He's the one who's gonna need the costume, 'cause I'm quitting the stupid play. Kevin: Cooper is back in the play. Yeah, Luc saved the day. Scotty: Saul, call Charlie. He'll be thrilled. Saul: Scotty, Scotty, Scotty, what have you done? You've ruined the soup. There's enough cumin in here to choke a camel. Scotty: Relax. It's an experiment. Kevin: Mmm. What is with you? It's obvious Charlie's crazy about you. Scotty: Yeah, he made half the costumes. How can you not invite him? Saul: Because I'm crazy about him, too. That's how. And... and... Kevin: And what? Saul: And... And I haven't told him that I'm... I mean, I wanted to. It just hasn't come up. We have these insane discussions about travel and opera and... and... and wine and... and new wave French cinema. It... I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Oh, Charlie, you know those great nim scenes from "the 'last year at Marienbad'? Oh, by the way, I'm... I'm HIV Positive." Kevin: Saul, I-I think in this day and age, two mature, intelligent men can negotiate-oh, Saul: Come on, Kevin. That's not the issue. It's not the issue. I'm afraid that if I tell him, I won't have him anymore. Kevin: If you don't tell him, you won't have him anyway. Narrator: Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona, where we lay our scene... Sarah: Stunning job on the scenery, Gloria. Gloria: Thank you. Narrator: A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life. Whose misadventured piteous overthrows... Kevin: That one's mine. Lady: Oh, you must be so proud. Kevin: Yeah. The velvet on that doublet was impossible to work with. Narrator: ...Not remove. If which you with patient ears attend, what you shall miss our toil shall strive amend. Cooper: Is the day so young? Walkers: Yey! Wow! Ho,ho! Yey! Someone: Shhhhh. Cooper: What lady is that, which doth enrich the hand of yonder knight? O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright. Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night. Boy (Playinig Tybalt): This, by his voice, should be a Montague. To strike him dead, I hold it not a sin. Cooper: Have not saints lips, and holy Palmers, too? Margaret: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must be used in prayer... Kevin: This is it. This is when they kiss. Scotty: I know the play, you know? Sarah: Shh. Shh. Cooper: They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair. Margaret: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake. Cooper: Then move not while my prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged. Audience: Oh! Sarah: Of course I will pay for any cost incurred... Gloria: Well, that's not gonna help that traumatized little girl. Sarah: Well, I-I don't think she'll be too traumatized. Cooper apologized to her, and he says she's fine, and she's backstage eating pizza. Bitsy: Well, she wouldn't be the first female to self-medicate with carbohydrates. Sarah: Well, I'm sure she's a little embarrassed, but she'll be fine. Gloria: How can you be sure about somebody else's child when you obviously have no control over your own? Sarah: Well, I will be talking to Cooper. And I will tell him in no uncertain terms that he crossed a boundary tonight. Gloria: I don't think I'm looking at the best source for a lesson in boundaries. Betsy: Well, with the images of a nearly naked co-parent plastered on every billboard in town. Gloria: I think what we saw here tonight is the direct result of being raised in an oversexualized home. Sarah: You're right. You are absolutely right. What... what a terrible, terrible thing I've done to my children. Terrible. I'm so sorry about that. How completely irresponsible of me to have shacked up with a slightly younger artist who I am passionately and deeply in love with instead of snaring a considerably older gazillionaire with pending indictments on how many charges of tax evasion and mail fraud? And you, Gloria, I really should've raised my children exactly the way you have. How I envy the structure of your household. Week in and week out, we all know every Tuesday, it's the pool boy in the guest house. Come Thursday, it's landscape dude up there in the library. Why I think you're probably the last woman in southern California that actually has a milkman. Luc: Sarah, is everything okay? Sarah: It's fine. In fact, you know what? It's great. Come over here, you sexy French beast. Let's go home and do some nearly naked co-parenting. Charlie: Shakespeare has certainly changed since I was in school. Saul: Charlie... Everything's changed since we were in school. Charlie: I played Romeo once in college. Saul: You did? And I played third spear carrier from the left, and I dropped it. Charlie: You know, there are certain lines I've never forgotten. O, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek. Saul: Ummmm. Charlie: So are you sure you want to do this? Saul: I'm positive. I'm HIV Positive, Charlie. I'm sorry. I should've told you sooner. Are you angry at me? Charlie: Anger is the last thing I feel for you. Saul... It's not that I'm afraid that if I kiss you, I'll get sick. I lived with a man for 20 years. And for the last ten, he was... Struggling with AIDS I was with him every day till he died. I don't have it in me to do that again. Saul: Yeah, but my health has never been better. I mean, come on. Cholesterol will get me before HIV does. Charlie: I know. I know. But... I know myself. I'm not strong enough to take the risk. Saul: You loved him. Charlie: Yes. Saul: Yeah. I'm glad for you. I'm glad you had that in your life. I was beginning to think that maybe I could have that, too. Charlie: I'm sorry. Saul: So am I. Kevin: He couldn't handle it, huh? Saul: No, he... he couldn't even finish his cognac. Scotty: Oh, Saul, I'm so sorry. Kevin: Yeah, we pushed you into it. Scotty: Yeah, practically at gunpoint. Saul: Come on. If you hadn't pushed me, I'd probably still be standing at the edge of that cliff, afraid to jump. So I jumped, I hit the rocks, it hurt like hell, and I'm still standing. Can I have that stapler, please? Scotty: Oh, you don't have to do the accounts right now. Take the day off. Kevin: Yeah, go swimming at Nora's. Scotty: Yeah. Saul: Would you stop? I'm fine. I'm fi... I'm better than fine. Look, I realized how lucky I am, okay? Charlie's lover died. I've been symptom free for probably 30 years, and we know that could change, right? So the next time I'm on the edge of that cliff, I'll probably leap even faster. Just... just keep pushing me. I could always use a little shove. Kevin: Really? Saul: Yeah. Kevin: Well, I know this lawyer. He's about your age... Saul: Kevin, just relax. Kevin: Okay. Scotty: Oh, not Stanley? Oh, that's such a good idea. Saul: Who's Stanley? Kevin: Uh, I'm gonna be in my office. Just let me know if you want to go bungee jumping. Saul: Who's Stanley? Wait. Who's Stanley?