Season 5 Episode 5

Call Mom First Aired: 24/Oct/2010

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Scotty: What is going on with you? Kevin: I'm having coffee. Scotty: That's not what I mean. You didn't come to bed last night. Kevin: Oh, well, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm the only lawyer in my firm. I don't even have a secretary yet. Scotty: You're working too hard. I've barely seen you in the last two days. Kevin: Well, I'm on a losing streak, but I'm gonna turn that around. You know, before, it was all about helping rich people keep their money, but telling a squillionaire that he can't afford a second yacht isn't exactly the same as telling someone with a disability he's not gonna get his benefits. Scotty: You haven't lost all your cases. Kevin: True. I did tell a fifth grader he didn't have to go back to his drunken, abusive parents. That felt good. You know, so much of what I do seems to boil down to the fact that someone who shouldn't have had kids had kids. Scotty: It's awful, and it's completely unfair to the kids. Kevin: It's unfair to us. We can't go out and get drunk and knock each other up on a first date. We have to spend thousands of dollars on a surrogate, and we still wind up where we started. Scotty: You know, we could probably afford to try again if that's something... Kevin: Now? Scotty, I am so busy, I'd neglect you and the kid. Look, I'm... I'm just ranting. I got a phone call. Scotty: Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Promise me you won't work too hard. Come to bed tonight. I miss you. Scotty: As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll be asleep. Scotty: Uh... that isn't exactly what I had in mind. Mm. Scotty: Okay. So what are you thinking for dessert? You could go crazy and do a heart-shaped strawberry torte kind of thing. Sarah: I don't really think I'm a heart-shaped strawberry torte kind of gal. Then again, you know what? Let's go with the torte. I want this picnic to be really romantic. I'm trying to reenact our... our first date. Scotty: Oh, that is so sweet. Um, uh, let me get you a recipe. Sarah: I hope I'm not in the way here. Scotty: No, no, it's fine. Sarah: Scotty, have you ever had a spray tan? Scotty: Excuse me? Sarah: Just... a weird thing happened this morning with me and Luc. Scotty: Weird how? Sarah: No, in-the-bedroom weird, between us. You know, he didn't want to do it. Scotty: Oh. Well, you know, that's... normal. Every couple goes through that. I mean, I'm sure it's not that bad. It's not like it's been weeks or anything. Oh, or, you know, even if it has been... Sarah: Do you think weeks is a long time? Scotty: No, you guys are busy with kids and lives, and there are plenty of reasons. It's not like he's getting it anywhere else. Sarah: You think he's getting it somewhere else? Scotty: Stop it, Sarah. You're making me nervous. Sarah: You're making me nervous. Scotty: Don't do this. Luc loves you. Sarah: I know, but I mean, maybe you're right. He... he does stay out late a lot. He says it's for work, but work these days for... for Luc is, you know, parties and spray tans. Scotty: Sarah, sometimes a spray tan is just a spray tan. Okay? Sarah: Yeah. Nora: Kevin, I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but I need you. I'm about to get smacked. Kevin: Hey! Nora: Kevin, where have you been? Kevin: What? Nora: Some kind of entourage you are. We're about ready to go on. Kevin: Okay. How are you feeling, confident? Nora: No. God, no. I can't go up against Dr. Alex. I can't do that, Kevin. Kevin: Okay, okay, mom, you're the underdog, no question about it, but that might be an advantage. This is all about likability. If there's one thing America likes, it's an underdog. Nora: I'm not ready. I can't do this. I'm not ready. Kevin: Are you kidding me? You're Nora Walker. You're ready for anything. Good. Okay. Now get out there and show 'em what you got. You never saw "Rocky"? Frank: Today we have a special show for you... "Dear mom homespun advice for better living." We have two moms, so don't hold back. They'll both be serving up their brand of apple pie just for you. To my right I have Nora Walker. Nora: Oh, that's... that's my turn. Okay, um, hi. I'm Nora Walker. I... I'm a homemaker from Pasadena, uh, the mother of... of five... and a cook. Well, I'm... I'm not a professional cook, but I do make the chocolate cheesecake for my son-in-law's restaurant. Frank: Great. Thank you, Nora. Nora: Okay. Frank: And to my left, we have acclaimed author and commentator... Dr. Alexandra Kirby. Alexandra: Author, commentator, and licensed therapist. Don't forget those three little letters, P-h-D. And I just want to remind everybody out there that my new book, "Moron-proof mothering," comes out next week. Frank: And the phone lines are already lighting up. You're on the air, caller. Who would you like to direct your question to? A caller: Oh, my God! Dr. Alex! I was so excited when I heard you were gonna be on the air today. Alexandra: Well, thank you, darlin'. A caller: When's the next time you're coming to Pittsburgh? We waited in line for, like, three hours to see you last... Sarah: ♪My love making it just fine.... ♪ Sarah: Hey, there. I am in the middle of making you a very, very special surprise. Luc, hello? Can you hear me? Luc: Oh, please. You're being ridiculous. Sarah: Well, I... I wouldn't say it's ridiculous. A little old-fashioned maybe, but... Luciana: Luc, darling, you were amazing. Luc: Me? It was all you. I was just laying there. Sarah: Luc? Luciana: Hmm. Are you busy later today? Luc: Well, I have this dinner thing, but I... Sarah: "Dinner thing"? I am making you a strawberry torte, you... Luciana: Fabulous! Then you, me, and a cabana at the hotel Venegas have a date. This afternoon, 3:00 p.m. Luc: Perfect. Sarah: Oh, my God. Scotty, it's me. Listen, we need to talk. Alexandra: The statistics back me up on this. Monitor your child's interactions with their peers. It'll help you avoid problems, and they'll thank you for it later. Nora: Uh, well, Dr. Alex, I appreciate that kind of diligence, but not every mother has the time. I mean, there comes a time when you just have to trust you've taught your children the difference between right and wrong and just let the pieces fall where they may. Alexandra: Well, callers, you've heard it here first. I guess there are some moms who don't believe their children are worth making whatever sacrifices are necessary. That is what you mean, isn't it, Nora? Nora: I... I don't... I don't think that's what I... I meant. N... no. Frank: Uh, let's take another call. Kevin(Devon): Oh, hi, yeah. Question for N... Nora Walker. Frank: Sure. Can I get your name, sir? Kevin(Devon): Well, uh, uh, yeah, it's, uh, Devon from L.A. Nora: Um, Devon, yes. Uh, so what's your question? Kevin(Devon): Uh, well, I was just thinking, you sound like someone who knows a lot about baking, so I was wondering if you could give me some hints about baking a cherry pie. Nora: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Well, if there's one thing I know about, it's cherry pies. This is actually a 2-part answer, Devon, because you've got your crust, and you've got your filling. Now if you... Alexandra: If I could just jump in here before we get to the recipe, Devon, who are you making this pie for? Kevin(Devon): Uh, it's... for my husband. Alexandra: Oh, I see. And what kind of pie is this? Kevin(Devon): Uh, what do you mean? Alexandra: I mean, is this a birthday pie, or a thank-you pie? It's not an apology pie, is it? Kevin(Devon): Yeah, actually, it is. Alexandra: What are you apologizing for, sweetheart? Kevin(Devon): I... I... I've... I've been distant, um, lately. Alexandra: Are you depressed? Kevin(Devon): No. G... no. I just think I'm disappointed. Um, it was a very hard year for us. We were trying for a baby. That didn't work out. It's just been a lot of things. I... that's not why I'm calling. Nora: Why don't we get back to the pie? Alexandra: I take it by distant that you're referring to the bedroom. Do you know what's been holding you back? Are you still attracted to him? Kevin(Devon): No, of course. It's just, I don't know. Somehow lately, it's all been feeling a little... Alexandra: Futile, maybe, because you and your partner aren't able to have children biologically? Kevin(Devon): Yeah, maybe. Alexandra: I've given it a name... wombenvy. Does that sound right? Kevin(Devon): Wow. Actually, it does. Alexandra: Well, Devon, believe it or not, I have a chapter in my new book on this very thing. All the answers are in my book, available online. Nora: Oh. Oh! Sorry. Sorry. Frank: Okay, thank you, Devon. Frank: Okay, we're gonna break for the news and be back with more "Dear mom" in just a few minutes. Alexandra: Oh! All this talking can make a girl thirsty. Nora, can I get you something to drink? Nora: No, no, not unless you've got a shot of Tequila in there, doctor. Alexandra: Oh, Nora, please. Call me Alexandra. Nora: Yes, Alexandra. Yes, fine. Kevin: Okay. Tough first couple of rounds, I admit it. Nora: Well, thank you so much. A lot of help you were. "Womb envy"? What were you thinking? Kevin: I... she's a siren. She seduced me with her birdlike voice. Nora: Look, I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't go up against her. I'm gonna tell Frank I'm sick, and let's just get out of here. Kevin: Mom, mom, come on. You can't just walk out of here. Nora: No one wants to listen to you if you aren't famous, and have a fancy title, and a string of letters behind your name. Kevin: Nora Walker, snap out of it right now. You're gonna let her hoity-toity education intimidate you? Nora: Yes. Yes, it's... it's a show of accomplishment. What the hell have I ever accomplished? Kevin: Me! That's what you've accomplished... me and Kitty and Sarah and Justin and Tommy. You raised a family, and you held it together in the face of remarkable odds, things that would've made an average mother crumble. And you did that without an entourage, or fancy statistics, or theories. You did that with love, and with your heart, and with your instincts. And if you'd seen what I have at work recently, you would know how rare that is. You have an amazing gift, mom, amazing, maybe the most precious there is. Nora: You really think that? Kevin: No, I know that, and this is your chance to share that with people beyond our family. You said you wanted it. Nora: I do, I do. Oh, I do. I want it so much. Kevin: Okay, so prove it, because the Nora Walker I know - would pulverize that big-haired windbag. Nora: Right, right. Kevin: Don't let her walk all over you. This is a fight you could win, and I could sure use a win right now. Nora: I can win this. Kevin: What do you say, mom? Nora: I can win this. Kevin: Yes, you can. Nora: I can't let this big windbag beat me. Kevin: No. Whoa. Easy. You're not gonna get another bathroom break for two hours. Spit. Good. Now go get 'em, slugger. Nora: Okay. Kevin: Just relax. Nora: I can do it. I'm relaxed. Alexandra: Hey. Nora, Kevin: Hi. Frank: Nora, you just need to make sure that this mic is muted when we're not on the air, otherwise, the whole building can hear you. Alexandra: Go get 'em, slugger. Sarah: It's Wednesday afternoon. Don't these people have jobs? Scotty: These people are too beautiful for work. Scotty: Okay, now I'm officially scarred. You know, Sarah, it's not too late to bail on this whole thing. Sarah: No, listen, I want to find out if what I heard is what I think I heard. Sarah: Where is that French man-slut? Sarah: Bingo. Come on, Scotty. Scotty: We could be at home making a heart-shaped torte, you know? Luc: Why, thank you. Sarah: Luc. Luc: Hey. What are you doing here? Sarah: Oh, I thought I'd come down and drink a glass of cristal and screw a teenager. How could you? Luc: This is not what you think it is. Sarah: Don't tell me that you're working on your tan, because we all know it's fake. Luc: Hey... She's a waitress. Sarah: What? Scotty: Ah, come on, Sarah. Let's do this somewhere else. Sarah: Who are you exactly? Luciana: I'm Luciana. I took some pictures of your Luc for our new swim-wear line. Sarah: I'm such an idiot. Um, I'm... I'm... Luc: It's just... just a meeting. Sarah: I've made a horrible mistake. I do apologize. Um, for the... Luciana: Oh, of course. I understand. I have a husband, too. Sarah: I'm so sorry. Luc: Hey, Sarah, wait, wait, wait. Sarah: No, no, no, just... Luc... I messed up. I'm really sorry. Scotty: So... I should... I should get her. Excuse me. Alexandra: I'm sorry to say this, darling, but it sounds like your friend is two sandwiches short of a picnic. B caller: You know, that's what my husband said. I knew you'd see my side of things. Kevin: Hey, Kit. Kitty: Hi, Kev. Where is mom? She... she's not at home. She's not answering her cell, and I really need to talk to her. Alexandra: And if that doesn't help you, sugar, all the answers are in my book.

Frank: Okay, next up is Catherine, calling from Pasadena. Kitty(Catherine): Uh, hi. Yes, this one's for Nora Walker. I recently lost my husband. Nora: Well, Catherine, that... that sounds like a very hard situation. Kitty(Catherine): Yes, but I met another man. Nora: You did? Well, that's wonderful. Kitty(Catherine): Yeah, but when things got too close... You know what I mean? I couldn't do it. I mean, I literally could not do it. And I... I panicked... and I ran away. Nora: Oh... what are you feeling now? Kitty(Catherine): Well, I feel sad, I feel guilty, and... I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm never gonna get out of this fog that I'm in, and I'm afraid that I'm never gonna be able to be with another man. Nora: Oh, honey... uh, Catherine, dear... Alexandra: You know, Catherine, most people consider a year to be the minimum waiting period. Statistics show... Nora: Well, that's all Jim dandy, peachy keen, Dr. Alex, but statistics can't hold your hand at night or... or share a cup of coffee with you in the morning. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose a husband? Alexandra: I... Nora: Well, I do, and so I know. Listen, Catherine, you're grieving, not only for the husband you lost, but for the life you had envisioned. You're grieving for the future and all the plans and dreams you had in your head. And now that's all... gone. There's a wonderful saying... you have to give up the life you've planned... to find the life that's waiting for you. Justin: Hey, Kev. Talk fast. I'm meeting this girl, in, uh, in five minutes. Kevin: Are you listening to this? Justin: Listening to what? Kevin: Mom's on the radio. 730 AM. Justin: Mom's on the radio? Nora: All... all our lives, we... we grow by giving up things... by loss and... and moving on... Kevin: Okay, bye. Nora: Big things, little ones. How we handle those losses really defines who are. Where are you now, Kitty... Catherine? Kitty(Catherine): I'm at my mom's house. Nora: Great. Great. Good idea. That's a really good idea. But listen, you don't really need her to tell you what to do. All you need from her is just to listen, that's all, a place where you can talk out loud so you can hear what you really think, what you think, not... her. You'll know what to do and what not to do, 'cause that's all right, too. And you'll know when it's time to move on. Nora: And to the gentleman who called in earlier with the womb envy... Devon... what the hell is that anyway? You don't want a womb. You want a child. You tried, and it didn't work out, and that loss, or disappointment, as you put it, is just as real as Catherine's. So is the grief and sadness, and if you don't acknowledge it and feel it, it will never get out of your way. Unacknowledged feelings are like a drunken cousin at a family reunion. They never shut up so you can hear anyone else. And you have to be able to hear what's next in your life, what path you might want to travel down, with or without children. You have to be able to see what's right there... right there, right in front of your eyes. Did you hear that, Catherine? Kitty(Catherine): Uh... Scotty: Catherine? Kitty(Catherine): I have to go, mom. Scotty: I thought you were gonna try to get to bed early tonight. Kevin: Yeah. Uh, we need to talk. Scotty: Okay. What's... what's going on? Kevin: I've been afraid for, uh, the last few months, and because I've been afraid, I've... been trying to do everything to avoid the future. Scotty: Okay, now you're freaking me out. Should I be afraid? Kevin: No. Uh, no, you shouldn't. Um... neither of us should be, because we are happy, and we're in love, and... Did you hear mom on the radio today? Scotty: Oh, uh, yeah, I... I... Kevin: She was amazing, and it hit me... being a good parent, it's the greatest gift anyone can give. And we are gonna be great parents, Scotty. Scotty: O... oh, Kevin... Kevin: I think we should foster. I think we should adopt a child, because I read these files every day, and there are so many kids out there who need help. I just think now is the right time. What do you think? Scotty: God, Kevin, I... I... I... I... I guess I... I'm not, um, ready for this. Kevin: But we are ready. I know we are. Scotty: No, it's not that. I think it's a... I think it's a great idea. I just... That's not the problem, Kevin. Kevin: Okay. Just tell me what the problem is so we can fix it. Scotty: We... can't. Kevin: What are you talking about? Scotty: I did something, Kevin. There was someone else. Kevin: What do you mean? Scotty: It was one time. It was months ago. I didn't want to hurt you, so I didn't tell you. I would do anything in the world to take it back. I'm so sorry. Kevin, say something.