Season 4 Episode 12

The Science Fair First Aired: 10/Jan/2010

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Kevin: Why does it take six days to see if an embryo has turned into a blast? Scotty: Yeah, and then we have to wait nine months to see if we made a baby. Kevin: You think any of my embryos will make it into a blast? Scotty: Yeah, I'm sure they did. Some of them. Kevin: Your sperm tested better. Scotty: Yours tested fine. Kevin: Adequate. Scotty: Adequate is fine. Kevin: This is our file. Scotty: Kevin, back away from the desk. Kevin: I just wanna peek. Dr. Cortez: Sorry to keep you waiting. Scotty: Oh, that's okay. We don't mind. Kevin: No. We can't wait to hear the news. Not that we know what it is, we don't. Scotty: Kevin, don't be weird. Kevin: Sorry. Dr. Cortez: Okay, let's see. Your egg donor produced ten viable eggs, you each fertilized five, and as of this morning, eight of those embryos have progressed to blastocysts. That's what we wanna see. Scotty: Oh, my God. Kevin: That's incredible. Dr. Cortez: Right now, five of the blasts are yours, Kevin. And three are Scotty's. Kevin: I'm, I'm sor, I'm sorry. Are you...? Five out of five? Dr. Cortez: I can double-check the labs. Kevin: Not that three isn't great. Are you okay? I mean, are you all right? Scotty: Yeah. I'm thrilled. Dr. Cortez: Now, we still need to wait and see how many of these blasts become advanced blasts. I'll call you in the morning with a progress report. Scotty: I can't believe this is actually happening. Kevin: I know! We're actually gonna be dads. It's freaking me out. Wow. Scotty: Don't be, don't be weird. Kevin: Sorry. Sorry. Paige: Okay. Kevin: And? Paige: That's it. The light goes on. Scotty: Oh. Wow. That's, that's, that's awesome. Isn't it, Kevin? Kevin: Well, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's awesome. You know what? It's a little hard to see. Scotty: I, I saw it. Paige: Really? Kevin: Yeah, no, I saw it, too. I just think... You know what? I think we could amp this up. Get it? Amp it up? Paige: I know what a pun is. I just didn't really get a charge out of it. Scotty: I like you, Paige Whedon. Paige: So, what should we do to see it better? Scotty: Nothing. The project is perfect. Kevin: Yeah, yes, it is perfect. But you know what? When I walk into a courtroom, I think of two things, okay? Facts and presentation. The fact is the battery works. Great. If we could build a bigger battery and turn on something bigger, I think we would really wow the judges. Paige: Like a radio? Kevin: Yeah, a radio is a good start. Sarah: I'm off to Aunt Kitty's. Paige: Mom, do we have a radio? Sarah: A radio? Why? Paige: Do we have one or not? Sarah: Yes. Yes. I think there is an one in the attic. Paige: I'll get it. Sarah: Thank you. She won't let me near this project. Kevin: What can I say? I think I've got the touch. Sarah: Have you ever argued with a tween? Scotty: I have. I live with him. Kevin: Says the Miley fan. Sarah: It's good practice for you two. Okay, I'm off. I'm off! Scotty: Bye. Kevin: Bye. You know, if you're not in the mood, we don't have to do this. Scotty: Yeah, no. Why wouldn't I be in the mood? Kevin: No reason. Scotty: Okay, just because you're feeling full of yourself because you have five healthy embryos... Kevin: What are you talking about? Scotty: It doesn't mean I'm not happy with my three. Kevin: And you should be. Three's great. Scotty: Oh, my God, if you could hear yourself right now. Kevin: What? Scotty: Kevin, it's not... Paige: I found one. Scotty: Okay. Great. Justin: One point twenty-three watts. Kevin: Okay, more lemons, doctor. Stat! Justin: Stop calling me doctor. Why did we pay for these? We own a fruit company. Kevin: Well, desperate times call for desperate measures. Okay, how are we doing on this display? Scotty: We are still glittering. My father would be so proud. Kevin: Great. Make sure you get the corners. I don't know why I'm so worried about being a dad. I think I was born to do this. Justin: Whoa. Look at this thing. Remember when we used to steal this and take it to the beach? Kevin: Can we forget the "back in the day" speech and concentrate on the dancing hamster? Justin: Uh... No dancing hamster. Kevin: What do you mean, no dan... How could they be out of dancing hamsters? That's the key to our success. Scotty: A dancing rodent is the key? Kevin: Yeah, make the judges laugh. That's basic. Did you check Aisle 7? Justin: I did and that's what I bought. Kevin: Of course you picked a robot. How butch. Scotty: Wait, how is a robot butch? Justin: Watch. Turn it on. Yeah! Paige: Awesome. Scotty: Okay, that's pretty butch. Justin: See? A science project is about science. Kevin: I beg to differ. Paige, don't let anyone tell you winning doesn't matter. It does. Aren't you gonna tell me, "No, it doesn't"? Justin: If you can't do it, you can't do it, right? That's the way the world works. Kevin: Wow, medical school is teaching you something. Justin: Yeah, you have no idea. Scotty: What your uncles are trying to say is that it's learning that's important. Paige: Uh-huh. So what about the disco balls? Are we still using them? Kevin: Absolutely. Kevin: How about now? Justin: Nope. Kevin: What do you mean, "nope"? Justin: I mean, we don't have enough volts. Unless you don't understand the basic concept of how a battery works. Scotty: You know what, all this science is making me hungry. Do you wanna help me make something in the kitchen? Paige: Can I, Uncle Kevin? Kevin: Absolutely. As long as it doesn't involve fruit. Are we really out of lemons? Justin: Look, Paige said the radio was fine. Kevin: That's not enough. Justin: It's enough for her. Kevin: Look, This is gonna work, okay? So don't give up so easily. Justin: You know what? Fine. You do it. Kevin: What are you doing? Justin: Look, I'm done. You obviously know what it takes to succeed, so just... You finish it. Kevin: All right. What's going on with you? Justin: I can't watch you take over Paige's project. Do you honestly think it helps her? Because it doesn't, Kevin. So what if she wins now? Someday she'll be in a place where no one can help her and it's all on her. And then what? Kevin: Justin, she's in sixth grade. Justin: And so was I. And I might've learned something if you and everybody else in this family didn't do everything for me. Kevin: What are you talking about? You're in medical school. Justin: Yeah, and I'm failing out. Kevin: What? Justin: I'm on academic probation and they're trying to kick me out. Kevin: Oh, God. All right. Amm, does Mom know? Justin: Kevin, I'm a grown man. They don't send report cards home. But it doesn't matter because I'm gonna drop out. I gotta go. Please tell Paige everything's okay and I'll see her at the science fair.

Kevin: Sarah, where are you? Sarah: Paige wanted some space. Why, is everything okay? Kevin: No, it is not. It's a disaster. Henry's earthquake simulator is out of control and there's no way he made any of it. Sarah: You don't know that. Kevin: I do. Where are you? Sarah: I'm about to leave, but listen, I found out this thing about Simon. Kevin: Simon? Who's Simon? Mom's Simon? Sarah: I Googled him again. There's this picture of him from some Boca Raton Society page. He's at a benefit with an older attractive woman on his arm. Marilyn Weisman. Kevin: Maybe he has a thing for older women. Sarah: No, but what if he has one in every city? Don't you think I should tell Mom? Kevin: You should forget about Simon, think about Henry. Sarah: Don't you mean Paige? Kevin: No. I mean, yeah. Look, just get down here. Sarah: Cooper! Justin: We got it. Scotty: Wow, Paige, I gotta say, it looks fantastic. Rebecca: Yeah, really. Paige: Do you think it's better than Henry's? Scotty: Oh, yeah. Rebecca: Who's Henry? Your nemesis? Justin: It's more like Kevin's nemesis. Scotty: Hi. Could you wait one second for me? Have you seen Kevin? Rebecca: Yeah. I saw him just a second ago. You want me to find him? Scotty: Tell him it's important. Yes, doctor, go ahead. Justin: Let's do a few little tweaks here. Kevin: Hi. Henry's dad: You interested in earthquakes? I'm sure Henry can answer any of your questions. Kevin: Actually, yeah. I do have a couple of questions, Henry. Kevin: And you figured this equation out yourself? Henry: It wasn't hard. My manipulated variable is the building's construction material. My responding variable is how long it takes for the building to collapse. Kevin: Right. How long did it take to build the model? Henry: A couple days. Kevin: A couple of days? What's your superpower? Architecture? Seriously, one dad to another, you built most of this yourself, right? Henry's Dad: I'm sorry, whose father are you? Kevin: That's not relevant. Henry's Dad: What's your name? Kevin: Sterling. Scotty: Kevin. Kevin: Sterling Kevin. Good luck. What are you doning? I practically had them disqualified. Scotty: I talked to the clinic. Kevin: What? Really? Scotty: Yeah. Kevin: And? Scotty: Well, it's not great. Only four of ours made it to advanced blasts. Kevin: You're kidding. Scotty: I'm trying to not get depressed. I mean, we still have four. Kevin: Of course. Of course. No, you're absolutely right. Our baby is our baby. Did any of yours make it? Scotty: Oh, no, actually, the four that didn't make it are yours. Mine are all good. Kevin: I lost four? Scotty: The doctor said there's no rhyme or reason. I mean, your embryo could end up becoming the one. Kevin: Wow. Scotty: Are you okay? Because I know that... Kevin: I'm fine. I'm fine. Look, I knew we didn't have any control over this, so I should... I should get back to Paige. Scotty: Do you wanna talk about this...? Kevin: No, no, I don't. I'm fine. Kevin: Psst! Is she gone? Paige: Yeah. Kevin: Okay, huddle up. I've been doing some reconnaissance. Paige: Reconnaissance? Kevin: Sizing up the competition. Seriously lame. But you're right about that Henry kid. So I think we pump up the volume, squeeze in a few more oranges. Paige: Do we have enough time? Kevin: Yeah, but we've gotta get going. Scotty: Kevin, be careful. None of that fruit's glued to those boxes. Justin: Kevin, what are you doing? I already set this up. Paige: We want the robot to dance longer. Justin: Dance longer? Rebecca: Justin, You have to come see this booth. It's about the brain and how process... Justin: Not right now. Kevin, what's your problem? Kevin: Look, I'm not giving up on victory, okay? I know that's not how you look at the world. Justin: Because you're such a role model? Rebecca: Justin, can you just come ...? Justin: Not right now. All right. You know watching you act like this, I know I made the right decision. Rebecca: What decision? Sarah: Hey, hey. Come on, guys. What's, what's going on? You're supposed to be finished. Nora: The judging is ready to start. Kevin: I know, I know. One more and we're there. Sarah: You think there's room for one more? Kevin: Yeah. Justin: 'Cause it's gonna topple over. Kevin: Would you all just be quiet and let me do this? Justin: Kevin! Kevin! Sarah: Oh! Nora: Oh. Paige: Awwww. Kevin: Paige, I am so sorry. Nora: Oh, it's all right. Don't panic. We'll pick them all up one at a time. Sarah: Paige, I promise we'll fix this. Paige: No, it's ruined because you butt in! Why can't you just stay out of it and let me do it myself? Kevin: There you are. Do you mind if I join you? We don't have to talk. You can just yell at me. Or, you know, maybe I'll talk. Because, Paige, this really isn't your mom's fault, okay? It's my fault and I am really, really, really sorry. You know, when I was your age, I was... I was teased a lot. Paige: Because you were gay? Kevin: Uh... Yeah, well, maybe. Although nobody really knew back then. I was a really weird kid. I mean, for my sixth-grade talent show, I sang a medley from Grease. Including the Sandy numbers. Paige: And you don't think anyone knew you were gay? Kevin: That's not the point. I was trying to prove something. Paige: That you're not gay? Kevin: No, that... That I wasn't a dork. Paige: So my science project was all about your dorkiness? Kevin: Yeah. Kind of. You know, the sad thing is, Scotty and I were trying so hard to be dads and I think I just screwed up the first test drive. Paige: Don't worry. It's not like you're gonna get a 12-year-old right off the bat. Kevin: Okay. So how do I make it up to you? Paige: Can we just sneak out back and get out of here? Kevin: We could. We could just do that. Or you could walk back in there with your head held high and present your project. Paige: But it fell apart. Kevin: No. My project fell apart. Yours didn't. ♪ Perfect Moment ♪ by Darden Smith ♪ Listen Nora: So did Kevin find her? Scotty: I don't know. Sarah: Okay, we're gonna have to stall because she's up next. Judge: Uh, Paige Whedon? Nora: She's in the ladies' room. Sarah: Yeah, just a minute. Paige: No, wait. I'm here. Kevin: Go get them. Paige: My science project illustrates how a battery can be made using citrus fruit. It was a lot bigger, but it got knocked down. But that's okay. I can still show you the principle. I used two different types of metals, copper and zinc. When you squeeze the lemon, the juice acts as a conductor, and the electrons flow through the wires in one direction. There you go. A battery. Kevin: Hurry up, we're gonna be late. Scotty: It's a doctor's appointment. No matter how late you are, they still keep you waiting. Kevin: That's because everyone thinks that. If people showed up on time it would work. Scotty: Kevin, stop worrying. Everything's gonna be fine. Kevin: I'm not worried. I know what she's gonna say. We should implant two embryos and they should both be yours. Scotty: Well, it's not her decision to make. Kevin: I almost cost Paige her honorable mention yesterday because I wanted her to come in first. Her idea was perfect. I tried to make it better with a disco ball. Scotty: Actually I liked that part. Kevin: You know what I should've done? I should've left her alone. And of course I would love the chance to be the biological father, but that's not gonna make me a better dad. What would make me a better dad is knowing it's not about me. Scotty: Well, you know, it also means that no matter what, we're in this together. Which is why I want to use one of yours and one of mine. Kevin: No, it's too much of a risk. Biology isn't fair. Scotty: That doesn't mean that we can't be. Kevin: Really? Wow. Okay.